Sticks and Stones

It really seems like such a simple principle to live by, doesn't it?

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.  

We begin to learn this message as soon as we learn to speak. As we grow older the phrase becomes a little more complex, but the message is the same. It's a message of how to treat people.

Words are so inexplicably powerful...if we allow to them be. When you think about words--the formation of sounds and the arrangement of letters, and our understanding and agreement of the meanings--it is absurd that they can carry so much power. The simple combination of words in a deliberate order can either empower or destroy a person. No physical force necessary. No physical harm inflicted. But crippling emotional harm, nonetheless.


The intent behind our word choice is what precipitates the early-life training: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. It's one of the earliest lessons we learn but so many of us still have a hard time with it. Some of the other basic principles of living amongst people are easier: don't hit and don't take something that doesn't belong to you. But perhaps this one is more difficult because it can be somewhat cathartic to the orator. It is a surefire way to project negative emotions elsewhere, almost as if opening your mouth is an actual physical release of the negativity. In this case it comes from unhappiness and a desire to bring others down as well.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." ~ Plato

Verbal enmity is laden with spite and constructed in just such a way to cause the most damage. Opposite of a weapon of mass destruction, it is the most efficient weapon of focused destruction. You can sometimes witness a person physically deflate when another launches ill-intentioned words their way. Often the reception of the words is based on the relationship between the orator and the recipient. That relationship is what gives the words credibility and either encourages or discourages the recipient to agree. The closer the relationship the more powerful the propensity to agree.

"By hooking our attention, the word can enter our mind and change a whole belief for better or for worse." ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

What's the point of this observation? If you wouldn't stand nose-to-nose and fire hate in an attempt to ruin someone then why look in the mirror and do it to yourself? There is no one you have a closer relationship to than yourself, and as such, no one's words have more meaning than your own. You are better than you believe and every single moment--86,400 every single day--is your opportunity to make a change. It's that simple. If you are unhappy with your past decisions, which have guided you to this moment, then seize the opportunity to make a change. Choose words that lift rather than crush. Use those sticks and stones to build your future.

Today's Fuel

The other day I was telling a friend about a guy who has been rude to me lately.  It seems this guy has held a grudge against me and, four years later, can't or won't let it go.  My friend said, "Think about the real estate you own in his head!"  He walks around day after day with a little piece of me inside his head, eating at him.  How pathetic!

I got a chuckle out of that concept but it made me think.  Whenever I hear a phrase like that I tend to think about it from the opposite side:  Who am I letting own real estate in my head?  In don Miguel Ruiz's book The Four Agreements, there is one agreement that I have struggled with most of my life and it proves to be relevant here:  Don't take it personally.  I've struggled with that because there have been times in the past when I have had a hard time getting over someone mistreating me.  I've gotten angry and held a grudge which affected the way I felt inside and the way I treated other people.  It creates a negative ripple effect that goes on and on.

Giving in to this mistreatment is the ultimate example of handing over your power; letting someone into my head consumes space for happiness.  I realized I needed to master the real estate in my head because it is far too valuable to give away.  As soon as I started thinking about my mind as valuable real estate I began to realize I had complete control over its development, and in turn, complete control over what filled my mind.  The thoughts and emotions I feel and express start inside and I have control.

No matter how someone else treats you, never take it personally.  That is the quickest way to invite them in and give up that valuable real estate.  I'll close with Ruiz's words about holding a grudge.


"Someone else's actions have nothing to do with you.  We have no idea what someone is going through. They may be suffering a loss, or getting a divorce.  If we think that someone's silence or rage is about us, then we are being run by our ego and not our spirit."