Recently, on a return flight from Las Vegas to Missoula, I had the pleasure of meeting a male flight attendant named Dante. I tend to watch people when traveling and noticed something about Dante. He smiled often and was consistently courteous. Then I noticed something else. His name tag had a tag line: "Committed to Kindness". I immediately thought of Maya Angelou's quote.
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou
What a wonderfully bold tag line to add to a name tag. In my eyes it made his name synonymous with this declaration. A vow that he made to me and everyone else on board that plane. The truth is kindness does matter. One of my pet peeves is when someone makes the disclaimer, "I tell it like it is." Translation: "I don't care how I make you feel and I am likely going to say something rude."
This morning I read an article on fastcompany.com that led me to a blog by Cap Watkins. He is a web designer who moved to Oakland for work. He wrote about his attempt to meet other web designers in the Bay Area and it came down to one person's kindness. Great piece!
Cap's story is about networking. It's also a story about making friends and taking a chance, but the root of the matter is networking. Who wants to network with someone who is unkind? No one does. Networking, at it's essence, is a relationship between two people and when entering a relationship your interpersonal skills are a factor. Ever hear the statement, your reputation precedes you? People may hear about something you've done or something you've said, but when face-to-face with someone their true opinion of you will develop based on how you make them feel.
Are you committed to something so strongly that you are willing to make it synonymous with your name? If not, try kindness and watch the doors begin to open.
My partner told me about a situation she encountered yesterday. She received the wrong item when making a purchase. The answer was simple and, since she is the most honest person I've ever met, I knew she knew the answer was simple. It was a matter of integrity.
"Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody's going to know whether you did it or not." ~ Oprah Winfrey
This post is not about the importance of honesty and integrity. That's too obvious. This will be about who we choose to surround ourselves with. The energy and decisions of those around us affect us. My partner is the most genuine woman I have ever known. She exudes an innate kindness, heartfelt compassion and moral certainty that draws you in. I've met her parents...the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
The point is this: whether in our personal lives or business lives, it becomes vital to our own success and happiness to have people around us who naturally do the right thing. Each of us is an individual and only we can decide to be happy or not, but at a basic level our propensity to make this decision is influenced by our surroundings and those who come into our lives...even for just a moment.
I knew she'd make the right decision. In fact, it never even crossed my mind that she wouldn't. This sureness gave me reassurance to act similarly. Isn't it natural to want to surround ourselves with people whose moral compasses are so steady and definite that they inspire us to be better? That's an attribute of leadership and in some way, every single day, we act as leaders or followers either modeling or emulating behaviors.
Watch this video as a wonderful reminder of the cycle of modeling and emulating positive behaviors.
I've recently begun reading Lee Child's books featuring his character, Jack Reacher. I'm enjoying the way Child writes and describes situations. This morning I was reading the second book in the series, Die Trying, and got to a part in which Child described Reacher crawling through a narrowing cave in the side of a mountain. I literally found myself flying through the words in a panic.
Child does an amazing job describing Reacher, who is similarly sized to me, crawling, scraping and nudging his way, inch by inch, through a very narrow tunnel in complete and total darkness. At one point, the point where panic set in for me, Child describes the tunnel ending and being too narrow and shallow for Reacher to move his arms or get leverage to push backward and retreat. Reacher panicked. I panicked. It was one of the most riveting series of descriptions I've ever read. I was there with Reacher experiencing the situation and I couldn't stop until I found out what happened. Child painted the scene wonderfully.
A couple hours later I sat drinking my morning coffee and it hit me. I've never really read something that elicited such genuine emotion in me. I fretted for Reacher. I fretted for a situation that I felt myself in. What if I read something that elicited the opposite emotions? Why wait to read someone else's words to make me feel this way? What if I invested as much emotional intensity and focus on painting the scene for the life I want? Could I believe and visualize aspects of my own life with such fervent conviction? Of course I can!
I am challenging myself here. This train of thought is exactly in alignment with the Law of Attraction. "What we can conceive and believe, we can achieve." The Law of Attraction is an active approach to life, despite what the name implies. I can't simply sketch a picture of where, what or how I want to be. This would be such a perfunctory attempt to create my life. I've got to sit on the edge of my seat with my mind completely focused on this conception. I must block out the distractions around me; the naysayers, the critics, the myriad of interferences life throws my way and focus. I must paint the scene with such definition and certainty that I find myself there, just like I did with Reacher. I believe then, and only then, will I be able to truly bring it all together.
There seems to be two different ideologies out there concerning happiness and success. At times I have struggled to see how they're connected. Recently, in a discussion with my partner, I mentioned my opinion that these ideologies seem to conflict with one another. The topic concerns an upcoming decision I feel I need to make. She, in yet another example of her brilliance, named the dilemma I was finally realizing.
In terms of happiness, some common thoughts revolve around the idea that we should make the best of any situation.
"Bloom where you are planted."
"Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out."
I understand the mentality here. I've been in situations in which I repeated these thoughts to myself and they've helped. I believe there is always a glimmer of hope in a situation if you train yourself to look for it. In doing so, you train your mind to begin to see beyond the undesirable qualities of a particular circumstance. But, my problem with this ideology is that it almost seems passive. It's a "sit back and accept" mentality. I disagree with that.
Conversely, the other ideology focuses on making the effort to succeed. It's about taking that leap of faith to create the life of your dreams.
"Control your own destiny or someone else will."
"The best way to predict the future is to create it."
This mentality is one of action. One of grabbing life by the horns and making it what you want. Do you see the contrast here? It's acceptance versus action. I am at the point in my life where I find real value in being the captain of my ship. This is my life. And, this one moment in time is a gift to me. Why not make it the life I want it to be? No one else but me has the responsibility or opportunity to make it worthwhile.
This is my dilemma: I find value in both ideologies depending on the situation. My partner named this for me. It's called Locus of Control. This is a term used to describe whether someone feels in control of what happens to them. That definition seems results-oriented, an afterthought.
I know I look at life with an internal locus of control. I choose to place more practical value on framing my decisions with this mentality. I know that I prefer to take an affirmative role in my life and make decisions. I want to control what happens to me. I also accept responsibility for the successes and failures that come from those decisions. But the bottom line is that I want to create the life of my dreams. After all...
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."
There is significant power in putting the past behind you, and focusing on this moment. The past is over and can never be changed, the future is unknown and the only thing we have is this moment. As reminders, there are countless quotes, blogs, videos and books about the value of failure, and using failure as a learning tool.
"Those who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try nothing and succeed." ~ Lloyde Jones
I get that. I understand that failure is a sign of action, and action trumps everything. In fact, I find inspiration in the stories of the great and influential people who had once failed to some degree. Take this video for example...
Here's what I see. All of the examples in this video involve some one's judgment of another which led to a perceived "failure." They didn't reach their goal. Someone told them they were worthless. Stupid. Not good enough. A failure. At times we perceive a failure when someone or something gets in our way. But, what about the other kind of failure? The kind we bring on ourselves? Is there a difference between a good failure and a bad one? Failure is a subjective term, and completely relative to the person feeling this sensation. What I've learned is a failure is only bad if you fail to learn from it.
There are certainly different levels of failure, don't get me wrong. Some failures result in other people getting hurt. Those around us who love us. This is more of a breach of trust. But true personal failure, it seems, is subjective. We all have different ideas of what we consider failure to be. Success means different things to different people, too. Life is a continuous learning process, which may never be truly perfected. And, in order to recover from a failure we must have a desire to learn from it and move on. This requires us to take responsibility for the actions and choices leading to the failure, and resolving to never give up. It's been reported that Thomas Edison experimented with more than 1,500 elements while improving the electric light bulb. He never gave up. Treat life as he did the light bulb.
"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is to try just one more time." ~ Thomas Edison
When we categorize aspects of our lives as failures we apply a stigma to ourselves which drains our motivation. In John C. Maxwell's book, Failing Forward, he addresses the misconception that if we fail then we must be a failure. That is absurd! Life is process, not a single moment, and a single act will not define our life's work. Failure is but a moment in time that for some reason we attach so much weight and shame to.
In order to move beyond this self-imposed stigma, this one moment in time we repeatedly wear like a weighted vest, we've got to remain motivated. Motivated to grow, learn and succeed. Motivation is an internal driving force. Don't you see that in order for us to overcome this stigma that we place on ourselves, we need to generate the motivation to overcome it. It is completely within our control, and it places the power of redemption within us. My motivation is my belief that I am better than any of my failures. The source behind our motivation is a desire to do better. Do you have that desire? The desire to break free of the failure?
What if we just stopped calling all of the mistakes, poor choices and disappointments in our lives failures? What if we called them lessons? What if, rather than feeling shame for not succeeding, we critically examine the situation and our choices, readily claim responsibility and take the next step to use the situation as a stepping stone? We could bypass the notion that we failed in the first place and simply view this as an opportunity to learn. That is powerful.
I'll finish here with a short video. The animated movie Meet the Robinsons shares a wonderful message in response to failure--Keep Moving Forward! There are so many moments in our lives that we could celebrate for the learning opportunity, rather than become paralyzed with shame. Failure is subjective. It's just a title we place on ourselves when we don't succeed. But, the really amazing thing about subjectivity is that we can simply change our perception.
Lately I've been drawn to videos of wingsuit flying. Aside from the obvious (seeing a human flying at 150 miles per hour down a mountain), something else seems to draw my attention so honestly. It's the fact that I have a genuine interest in seeing people push themselves past their comfort zone to achieve a goal. The following video got my attention...
What I find so incredible about this man, whose name is Espen Fadnes, are the motions and emotions he shares, both verbally and physically--excitement, fear, honesty and preparation. The image of him standing on the edge of the cliff working through the routine of the flight he is about to take literally takes me to the edge of my seat. What he says makes him real to me. "People who've seen me about to fly off a cliff say I look perfectly calm. It's the complete opposite. I'm terrified. I've just developed techniques and methods to cope with the fear."
This man is about to jump off of a cliff and perform a feat he has probably done hundreds of times, and he is talking about using techniques to overcome fear. At some point this feat was a goal for him. How many of us have fears about reaching our goals? I do. I've read many books about business and success on my journey. One common theme is to focus on achieving your goal. That is one of those ideologies that can be easier said than done.
It is easy to sit at a table with a nice cup of coffee and plan out some sort of life plan for success. "In a perfect world I will do this, and they will do that, and then I will do this." The work comes when we try to put that plan into effect. Other factors don't always cooperate. But the solution is not to simply stop dreaming or planning. Let's look at how Fadnes works a dream into a reality. There are some lessons to be learned.
First he works up the plan. He maps out the location and terrain, and then figures the most natural route. Notice when he maps out the route it is the path of least resistance. That is how our plans for success should be, too. He doesn't try to gain elevation to overtake a ledge. He doesn't try to smash through a mountain. He maneuvers his body to work around it. One turn after another. A concert of choices leading to a path of least resistance. He has conceived his route to success.
Next he gathers the proper equipment. This may seem like an obvious step but how obvious is it in our own lives? Once we have a plan how well do we gather the right equipment to accomplish this plan? To facilitate our path of least resistance? I will leave this open-ended intentionally because it is YOUR plan and you need to find the tools to navigate the route that's best worked for you.
As he prepares to step off the cliff he goes through the routine again. This is a calculated approach to his success. Look at his body language. He is so fully focused on reaching his goal that he literally walks through the flight plan, moving his body in the motions he has planned out. He is visualizing the route to success, every step. The plan is set and he is committed to following it. There are no last minute changes he's making on the edge of the cliff. He believes mightily in his plan now so he rehearses it and lives it in his mind. Can we see ourselves living the plan we've developed? It's rather difficult to focus this intently on a plan we are only half committed to. If we can't see ourselves reaching the goal we are not ready to be standing on the edge of the cliff. Period.
And then, the jump. Fadnes says himself that he is "terrified" but he musters the courage to step off. This is a real man, like you and me, completely aware of the consequences of failure, but confident in the plan he has developed, the equipment he's gathered, and the movements he's calculated. He hasn't overcome fear with suppositions. He's overcome it with knowledge, planning, commitment and faith. These characteristics will allow him to achieve his goal. When we are at this point to leap off are we just as committed? More importantly, are we as enthusiastic about our commitment? He steps off hard! Once we reach this point in our lives, we should be so fully committed to our cause that we leap with determination as well. The goal is down there, through the path of least resistance, waiting for us now.
I know it can be terrifying to step off the cliff we see in front of us. I feel it often. I feel myself about to step off, looking down at my ravine (failure) and hoping that the plan I've developed works out. There are times I have to admit that I may not be ready. My belief should far outweigh my doubt. The "leap" is setting into motion a plan we've developed for our own success, however we define that word. Starting a business. Changing an attitude. Changing jobs. These are major life-changing events which, in order to become viable successes, require the steps above.
Today, practice this with some very minor goal. Something small. It takes practice to become comfortable. But it is doable. The choice is ours to reach our goals. No one else's. Go make your dream your reality.
"Whatever the mind of a man can conceive and believe, it can achieve." ~ W. Clement Stone
As you can see I have deviated from my norm. I am no longer calling my posts Today's Fuel. This is a big step for me but there is a purpose. I am cataloging these posts and ideas in preparation of writing my book. The title is written in pencil at this point, but it's about adjusting your perception of who you see in the mirror. Further to follow...
I recently viewed this short YouTube video of Mel Robbins speaking to a group in which she talked about "getting out of the weeds." It's a great spin on the concept of "life getting in the way."And it got me thinking...what the hell does that really mean? Are we really just passive participants in our own lives? I know that I've said that phrase more than I care to admit because it's an easy way to say "I've given up on __________ (fill in the blank)." It's not life that got in my way though, it was me. We get in our own way of reaching our goals. We are, at times, our own worst deterrent to success and happiness.
Why do we do this to ourselves? It's because we choose to avoid change in favor of predictability. We fall into routines with work, life and relationships because it's easier, less risky and requires less thought. But I don't believe that is human nature! Our nature is to grow, live, discover and explore. Look at this commercial for Red Bull...
These are extreme examples of human performance and initiative, but what about any of the great explorers, entrepreneurs, athletes, inventors or innovators? At some point they all made a choice to deviate from the routine and do something unpredictable. In most cases, outsiders looked on with skepticism and doubt. Ever hear of the Wright Brothers? My favorite line from that Red Bull commercial is this -- "The only limit is the one you set yourself." How true is that? The limitation many of us face is actually right between our own ears. Habits, routines and predictability are safe but whose life is this to live? A series of extraordinary events had to take place in a very specific order for us to enter this life. When you think about it in those terms, it raises the question "what am I going to do with this life and how do I start?"
"I can't believe God put us on this earth to be ordinary."~ Lou Holtz
An article on Forbes.com titled How to Get Out of Your Own Way addresses just that. "And like anything, if you do something over and over it becomes a habit. Your view of the world becomes conditioned." It's scary to think about changing our lives. Just as the article suggests, perhaps the answer is to take it in small increments and then evaluate. No one says it's an all-or-nothing proposition, but something is always better than nothing!
If we go back to Mel Robbins' talk about getting out of the weeds and start looking at our daily lives we will soon realize our weeds may have started growing with these routines and habits, but it's sometimes more than just predictability that holds us where we are. We now have commitments and other responsibilities that prevent us from getting where or what we want. Ah ha...that's life getting in the way! Hooey! We control all of this whether we believe it or not.
In his book, The Power of Less, Leo Babauta provides a straightforward approach to reducing the non-essential in our lives which frees up time, resources and focus to pursue our dreams. He lists eight questions we must ask ourselves to find out what is essential to us.
What are your values?
What are your goals?
What do you love?
What is important to you?
What has the biggest impact in your life?
What has the most long-term impact?
What are your needs versus wants?
What non-essentials can you immediately eliminate?
The point behind all of this is that life never gets in the way. That's a cop-out. Yes, it is scary to break out of the box we've trapped ourselves in to chase our dreams. People may doubt you. You may doubt yourself. You may even fail. But amazingly, failure is not permanent and you ultimately have complete control over making this decision. Happiness and success are matters of choice and perception.
"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure."~ Bill Cosby
Does the fire inside you burn hot enough to make you take a chance? If the answer is yes, then start right this very second by dropping the phrase "Life is getting in the way" from your vocabulary. It has no place in our heads and we are not passengers in our lives. Take accountability. Follow Babauta's process to identify what is essential in your life and drop the rest. Take control. Create a list of the steps you need to take to meet your goals and do it.
It's true, we do get in our own way sometimes. But what makes life so amazing is that just as easily as we can stop our own progress, we can also get behind our own ideas and become the strongest advocate. Get out of your weeds, live the life you have imagined and choose the route to happiness and success. Life is not in the way...life is the opportunity!
This morning I read an article on fastcompany.com that led me to a blog by Cap Watkins. He is a web designer who moved to Oakland for work. He wrote about his attempt to meet other web designers in the Bay Area and it came down to one person's kindness. Great piece!
