Checking the Lost and Found

It's been a minute, huh?

Looking back over this blog, I see a stark absence of posts in 2018 and 2019. Hmm... It's not that I've lost interest in writing or sharing my thoughts (although, to be honest, I write solely to see my thoughts in a linear, focused format), it's that my life has changed in such a dramatic way and it continues to evolve.

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." ~ Oscar Wilde

I've written about changing life before so the idea is nothing new for me to consider. In fact, one of my favorite posts is about adapting to change versus igniting your own change. This last year was about reflecting on what really drives me. It was about looking into my soul to find my purpose again. To be honest, it was an emotional and difficult exploration. I guess I had a lot more shit stored in there than I thought! I found ideas and dreams I had forgotten about, so I applied to law school and, low and behold, I was accepted! It was as if I found remnants of paths I had previously taken that, in hindsight, didn't really line up with where I want to be. I withdrew from law school to be back in Arizona with my wife and that sent me on another journey to find my purpose again. It felt a little like rummaging through the lost and found. Do you remember that box full of forgotten sweatshirts, misplaced water bottles, and the one lonely glove? It's the place where we find the things we had forgotten about. Perhaps I could find my purpose again hiding in there?

Yet, as I got closer to my 49th birthday, I found it impossible not to look back and reflect on my entire journey. I can honestly say that I am happy. That's an understatement. I'm happier than I imagined I could ever be again. I am inexplicably blessed to be married to my best friend, and the most loving and beautiful woman I have ever known. So, in that sense, my love quotient is full. Our hearts, minds and adventurous spirits are synchronous with one another. But happiness is not synonymous with or a substitute for purpose.

Perhaps the confidence I have in our love is what allowed me the opportunity to rummage through my soul without fear of judgment. For my own mental health, I needed to find my purpose and I believed I could find it hidden deep inside. It had to be in my lost and found. I had it once, but I seem to have misplaced it so surely I could find it again. Come to find out, it wasn't in the lost and found at all. My purpose isn't attached to some aspect of my past journey and it's not some nuance of life I need to redo; it's something I get to create today. Just as I got to create it twenty years ago.

"The purpose of life is not to be happy--but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that you lived at all." ~ Leo Rosten

If one thing is consistent in my self-reflection it's that failure plays a key role to my identity today. I would like that sentence to have read "failure played a key role" but in reality there are collateral effects that have taken some time to see and even some that continue to show themselves. Failure can be more than a single act from which we learn a specific lesson. It feels like a recurring antagonist to my journey. It's like some persistent hinderance to progress which ultimately becomes an obstacle to my purpose... or, maybe not.

I recently had a conversation with a physician who is experiencing a significant, career-ending failure. He is at the point in this part of the journey where he can't even conceive an image of his future. This is a scary place to be. During our conversation he was essentially calling bullshit on the idea that he could exercise his way to a better mindset because he was losing the one thing that is the root of his purpose: to help people heal. So, after much discussion, and listening to his theory that life will never be the same, it became evident the only thing that will change is the manner in which he helps people heal. If purpose is his paint brush then only the picture will change. He will still create with the same technique and tools.

Maybe purpose isn't really some characteristic that waxes and wanes throughout life. Perhaps it's more an issue of how we see the way our purpose creates the story.  It's never absent but it's also not necessarily a trait that just exists without some continual reevaluation. It's like looking at a road map between San Diego and Boston just one time, and then setting out to drive without ever reassessing or tracking your trajectory.

"One of my greatest fears is that my dreams have somehow lost their purpose. That my ability to create a story of value in the world is over. That, to the world, I'm no longer relevant. As if, somehow, I'm already dead but I just don't know it. But here's the thing: I can still feel my heart beating." ~ me

Happiness and purpose share an important and common trait: we have complete control over them. My fears of purposeful relevance are just a construct that I've created based on my perception of age, outside opinion and judgment. It's a defeatist summation based on the forlorn conclusion by comparing my current position in life and some previously conceived idea. It's similar to feeling as if I am a failure as a 50 year old man because I cannot dunk a basketball as I did 35 years ago. My expectation is incongruous with my situation, but in no way does this equate to a failure. Stop searching the lost and found for your idea of purpose, and happiness for the matter. Instead, conceive it in the present. The roadmap to your personal happiness and purpose leads forward from this starting point, not back to a former point in time.

This is Your Story to Write

I'm finally sitting down to write about some thoughts that have been swirling around my mind for the past few months.  I've whittled it down to a combination of thoughts surrounding the characters in our lives, how they attempt to influence our experiences and the ultimate belief that they're simply our stories to write.

"With every passing day, we add a page to our personal story, an illustrative script that casts our character shaped by an implacable external environment and fashioned by our supple state of inwardness." ~ Kilroy J. Oldster

This is an obvious topic, surely, and perhaps one that needn't even be written about.  Just more fodder to cultivate a positive mindset, maybe?  But what I've been working to wrap my mind around is the idea that we all have some central theme we're working towards, writing our stories, and we have both protagonists and antagonists at work throughout.  The key point to understand is that we can take something away from both of them.

You would think the presence of these characters in our stories would be easy to spot; diametrically opposed characters in a tug of war for our attention.  But sadly, they are sometimes not.  Perhaps the difficulty arises from an idea that our stories are works in progress, not yet set in ink on the pages we call our days.  And, so perhaps an irresistible companion to life's fluidity defense is the idea that our protagonists and antagonists work to lure us along in their developing stories also.  They, too, are on their own journeys writing their tales, but the moment their lives intersect ours it becomes an allegory to us.

"When you realize the influence in your life is the work of craftsmen, it becomes imperative to your existence to break free of their stories and write your own." ~ me

The protagonists and antagonists influence us by casting upon us some pretense, or ulterior objective, but I argue they might not be the ways we expect.  This isn't meant to sound skeptical of everything and everyone, but more just to cause awareness.  It's important to be aware that influence and the underlying pretense detract from our stories.  The stories we pen for ourselves flow from our own minds, befouled or purified by our experiences, into and through our hearts before finding their way down through our hands to the pens we hold.  These are our stories to write.  So I say, fear the protagonists but love the antagonists!

The protagonists, who we expect to be ourselves, are more often others who purport to help us along in the direction that we suggest we'd like to go.  Bear in mind this is a work in progress for us so the character development (i.e. us) is also a work in progress.  For this arrangement to work, we must always retain control of the pen.  It's far too easy to relinquish control of the very tool used to scribe this life to someone who seems to have a better idea of the path to take.  The day-to-day experiences coupled with the mindset and purpose we weave together can only come from us.  True, others have forged seemingly similar paths on their way to achievement but it's actually as close to impossible as it gets that these folks started at the exact same point and position in life, faced the same challenges and opportunities, made the same preceding choices and continued at the same pace.  We are all miracles that began before our parents even met, so the reality exists that every step in this process is as uniquely individualized as we are.  Never relinquish control of the pen and approach with caution the ones who want to show us an easier way!!!

"He that struggles with us strengthens our nerves, and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist is our helper." ~ Edmund Burke

The antagonists, on the other hand, are rather easy to identify but we sometimes fail to recognize the role they play.  By the very definition of an antagonist, we're prepared to meet hostility so the human reaction is likely fight or flight.  Fight or defend at all costs; flight or abandon the effort.  But, I say view the antagonists merely as analysts of our plans.  The fight or flight mentality suggests imagery of a confrontation whereby some thing is at risk of loss.  Yet, let's agree on the fluidity aspect of this work in progress.  Criticism from antagonists is an opportunity to test the validity and logic of our themes.  The protagonists won't offer this anti-advocate point of view.  While we might believe this fight or flight mentality would best prepare us for the critical inspections of the antagonists, it's actually a fallacious predisposition.  There is no thing to protect or flee.  There is nothing other than our next reaction to the world that matters when we pen our story.  Absorb the insight from the antagonists once you uncloak the seed of positivity.  It's always hidden in there!!!

The characters at play in our stories are as vital to the development as the environment itself.  But again, the stories we write are our own individual accounts of triumph and tragedy.  And at the end of the story, there is just one name attesting to the truth contained within...yours!  This is your story to write.

Live Your Rhythm

One of the things I love about life is the opportunity to talk and connect with people.  I've had some truly incredible, and sometimes emotional, interactions with random people, acquaintances and new friends.  These experiences have added value to my life and sometimes provide a new path for introspection.  It's in these moments that I've felt my heart swell, find direction and beat a little quicker.

On the contrary, some folks don't find this connection.  Instead they make a comparison; a juxtaposition of lives that ignites resentment.  These are your critics.

"The path to personal fulfillment comes from your heart, not your critics." ~ me

I've recently heard a phrase, while talking to one of my customers, that really stuck with me.  It was one of those phrases that makes you stop and really try to digest every word: Live your rhythm.  You've got to design your own flow, at your own pace, with your own motivations and inspirations.  The trick is finding like-minded people who encourage your journey, value your effort and believe in you, and the question is how do you find those people.

It's a question of balancing vulnerability and self-assuredness.  You will never realize the life you envision for yourself if you don't expose your intentions and your heart.  Your path is drawn by your heart, paved with desire, goals and fulfillment.  All too often we undervalue the voice inside but overvalue the voices of the critics.  Remember the critics?  The ones who are unable to support your journey because they compare and contrast life.

Living your rhythm means, to me, creating your direction and pace through life in harmony with your dreams.  It means listening to your own voice, your own heartbeat and your own intentions rather than those who project their own frustrations onto you.  It means navigating life the way you choose to navigate it, connecting with positive influences who contribute to the value of your life, experiencing the triumph of unabashedly opening your heart to the world and feeling the absolute peace of fulfillment.

"What happens when people open their hearts? They get better." ~ Haruki Murakami        

Thoughts on Watching Others Succeed

"Non nobis solum nati summum." ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

This phrase translates to "Not for ourselves alone are we born."  There is something about this phrase that just sticks with me and, oddly enough, makes me appreciate social media.  I think back to the first time I heard about Instagram and the criticism: Why do people care about the pictures you post?

I care...sometimes.  I care when I see your struggle, your discipline, your dedication and achievement.  As a result I subscribe to people who's journeys I care to see, the people within whom I see these traits.  I care because we are all in this together, yet we are all on our own journeys.  I care because you and I seem to have common interests.  I care because I've been in the bleachers of an Ironman finish, closing in on the midnight deadline and I've seen the pain in your face as you push through to cross the line.  With an empathetic and encouraging heart, I care because I know the voices in our heads are sometimes so convincing that they can't be ignored.  And social media is a great platform for this documentary of life and achievement.

I have often thought about two ideologies that seem to contradict one another.  The thought that no one has the power to cause us pain by criticizing us unless we let them and the other thought that our own words have the power to build or destroy.  These are contradictory to me because it's a play on the locus on control.  We either have the internal fortitude to shrug off negativity or we believe we have the power to alter someone's entire world with our utterances.  Is it in us or not?  Is it in them or not?  Is the struggle internal or external?  Are we our own hero or do we succumb to the antagonists of the world?  Maybe what's really most important is not whether others have some impact on our journey, but that to achieve a purposeful life we need to positively impact others.

"Doing nothing for others is the undoing of ourselves." ~ Horace Mann 

My point of this thought is this: I believe there is no greater human experience than cheering for someone else to succeed.  I believe in great personal experiences, but to be human means to participate in humanity, and I believe we have an innate necessity to participate in the human achievement.  The voices spewing doubt in our heads, or outside our heads, are bullshit, and we all know that.  But the voices singing our praise are real, and we need to remember that.

I've been focusing my attention on the concept of vulnerability for a bit now.  The goal, any goal, of achievement is laying yourself on the line.  It's literally stepping forward to take on more.  It's a show of willingness to try and fail more than anything else.  As witnesses to this brave step forward we should have no other reaction that honest encouragement.

"I want to treat all of life like an Ironman finishing chute: on my feet, tears of joy in my eyes, fully engaged and cheering at the top of my lungs for those around me to succeed." ~ me

The Olympics are a fantastic demonstration of our willingness to support our fellow (wo)man.  But why should that support be any different than the support we give our training buddies, friends, neighbors, acquaintances or even perfect strangers?  I find incredible inspiration from the people I find and follow on Instagram.  Your journey is amazing and you are amazing.  Remember that.

The next time you scroll across someone's Instagram feed and see a photo of their alarm set for 4:00am with some sort of motivational message, or see a photo of their three hour trainer ride, or read some comment about how cold the pool is at 5:00am, remember they have faced the same doubts and challenges you do.  The difference is that they chose not to listen to the doubt, nor the critics.  They chose to put themselves on the line and share their journey.  That locus of control lives within them.  This is their journey so our only hope is that they hear our cheers just enough to push a little harder, hang on a little longer and reach a little farther.

Learning New Words

Social media is really a fascinating creature.  In one respect I've felt incredibly connected to people I have never met face-to-face yet with whom I share common interests, and in another I have never been more appalled at the sickening disrespect some people show from behind the keyboard.  That's life though, really.  Some people share triumphs and others share pain.  Some share positivity and others share dribble.  I choose to seek out and follow positivity and inspiration on social media...and in life.  I've found that life and even social media are teaching me things.  I'm learning new words.

"The words we say to ourselves can serve as elixir or venom, and only we can decide which.  Can you imagine a greater gift or a greater responsibility?" ~ Jason Huntsinger

I have always considered myself to be a positive and productive person.  I've accomplished some great things in my life and remained hopeful.  But my frame of reference has, in hindsight, been fairly narrow.  I've never travelled the world.  I've only been out of the United States twice barely outside the borders to the north and south.  Social media has broadened my perspective and the authors of the information and thoughts I follow inspire me.  I've seen photos of the most amazing places from points of view that were previously unimaginable.  I've read stories from fellow athletes about epic
adventures and races.  I've followed individuals through weight loss and watched them accomplish goals.  It's so utterly amazing and inspiring.

"The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled." ~ Plutarch 

I recall during my undergraduate studies reading a synopsis of Thomas Friedman's The World is Flat thinking how incredible it was to think school age kids in far-off lands had access to the same information highway that I did.  I was, again, narrowly focusing.  As if everyone in the world wanted to see what I could see and access the information that I could access.  I am now the one seeking to understand the beauty that so many of you live for and dream about.  What does it really feel like to stand on the face of a sheer cliff and look out at the sunrise?  How about swimming with turtles off the coast of Costa Rica?  What about envisioning a dream for yourself to win a race and then actually fulfilling that dream?  Simply amazing experiences that I can see through social media.  I'm learning new words through these experiences; Words I either failed to understand or failed to learn in all my 45 years on this earth.   These are some of the new words I've learned from you.

• Inspiration:  The many athletes who have achieved some goal or milestone and then share their recipe for success.  I've seen your struggles and read your ups and downs, and when you overcame the bumps in the road you inspired me to keep going, too.
• Dedication:  So many people rest in comfort zones because they are comfortable.  Yet, those of you who push yourselves to the next level of physical and mental toughness do so by dedicating yourself to your plan.  I get it. 
• Happiness:  Not one single person who has accomplished a goal as documented on social media has done so in a state of sadness or despair.  The motion of defining a goal and crafting a lifestyle to accomplish that goal begets happiness.  I see what it looks like to be happy in your faces.
• Compassion:  So many people I follow choose to devote part of themselves to some greater cause: challenged athletes, disabled veterans, orphaned children and animals just to name a few.  Life is bigger than me and now, and you continue to show me what it means to give of yourself. 
• Love:  This is more than the flippant phrase we throw around to describe how much we like a shirt.  I've seen people demonstrating unconditional love for others and themselves.  We are all dealing with our own struggles in life and social media has broadened my understanding of what it looks like to love one another.
• Success:  This is one topic I've found to be so arbitrary because it's completely subjective.  But that subjectivity is its beauty.  Whether you set the bar here or there, reaching your goal and realizing the effects of that accomplishment are truly successes.

"Good people bring out the good in people."

Social media gets a bum rap, I believe.  While some people enjoy sharing the adventures they encounter others may scoff at their perceived insecurity and need for attention.  Yet social media, like many things in this world, are exactly what we make of it.  If we choose to see the ugly in it we should not be surprised when it appears.  However, when we choose to see it as an opportunity to connect with people we see as mentors and examples of good we will not be disappointed when we begin to grow as people...and learn new words.

Crash and Burn

"My past is everything I failed to be." ~ Fernando Pessoa

As I see it there are two main categories of failure (my common and unrelenting theme).  Just to make sure we are starting from the same point, let's agree that failure is essentially understood as a lack of success (Merriam-Webster dictionary).  The most commonly considered failure is the good ol' crash and burn.  The type where you make that fatal mistake or misjudgment which leads to an undesired outcome.  The outcome we hadn't expected or anticipated when we set off on this journey.

Whenever I read books or articles, or even watch videos, about overcoming failure I'm left with one question: what kind of failure do you mean?  It almost seems as if the types of failure that Tony Robbins or Dale Carnegie build from involve a situation that, somewhat passively, just happened.  The journey to our perceived success is a series of actions that we take, right?  A series of foundation-building choices that we make.

Failure, in any sense of the word, is due to a miscalculation, misstep or poor choice that we made.  The choice that preceded our action.  If you don't see that then you're not looking back far enough to the root of the failure.  Even when we make decisions contrary to public norms in our personal lives, which can and do lead to failure, if you look back far enough you'll find that your failure began before that choice.  The failure manifested itself here, but you failed back there.

On our journey to succeed, which in some form of the word means to have more successes than failures in life, we form a plan making one choice after another and somewhere along the line we will inevitably fuck up.  Period. We all do. Some produce a more brilliant fireball than others--it's called a crash and burn for a reason--but the point is that we all make the wrong choice.  The set of circumstances before us at any given moment coupled with our mindset and the weight of the world around us shapes our perception of the options before us.  CEOs of major corporations and street level drug dealers all have reasons for their misjudgments that made some sense at the time, but in the end they will suffer a crash and then burn at a level relational to there status.

Whether your failure stems from a miscalculation or an egregious choice, once you've faced the backlash it is time to rebuild from this failure.  It really makes no difference how you failed but it makes all the difference in the world how you recover.  No matter what the failure, your obligation to the world is to continue to pursue your calling or destiny.  You need to find and deliver your value to this world for your own sake.  This is what will define you and your life, and ultimately show the world who you really are.

"You are what you do, not what you say you'll do." ~ C.G. Jung

But let's focus on one key point in the crash and burn type of failure...you took action!!  You overcame some fear that could have kept you in your comfort zone, but you chose to break out and take action.  So, for that, I say BRAVO!!  You see, the other type of failure is a failure to launch.  I believe a failure to launch creates a foundation for regret far more than even the most outrageously poor decisions.  When you take some action--igniting your soul onto a path of your dreams--you've made the most crucial choice possible: you acted.  Your sole (i.e. your soul), which was once resting comfortably on a solid and easily predictable surface, had left its comfort zone.

Any misstep from that point is an opportunity to gain constructive feedback on your choice.  Step, learn and build.  Step, learn and build.  Step, fall, learn and build.  Step, learn and build.  The only real failure here is if you fail to learn from the misstep.  Yet, in a failure to launch you truly deny yourself the opportunity to succeed.

"Your fear is 100% dependent on you for its survival." ~ Steve Maraboli

Some fear taking those first few steps because they fear the possibility of failure.  Perhaps the fear is learned from past failures, or perhaps it's just a misinformed perception of failure.  I assure you that every step you take towards your goal will contain in itself a seed of success.  There are so many parables about a forest fire here.  Sometimes it takes a crash and burn to release the seed from its protective shell so that it can finally take root.  As devastating as a forest fire is, often it's the purest way to regenerate new growth.  This would never be an option for you if you fail to launch.

"You're depriving your soul, and your sole, unless you take that first step towards your greatness." ~ Jason Huntsinger 

Certainty

In my last blog I touched on the idea that developing a "what-if" attitude could open the door to a positive mindset and help begin the journey to realizing your dreams.  As I re-read it this morning I stopped on a particular line:

"What if I was wrong about tomorrow?"

What interests me about this line is the absolute certainty with which I've believed in the negative moments of my life.  I've literally told myself, "I'll never make $100k a year," "I'll never have that one true loving relationship that I've imagined," and "I'll never become a professional athlete."  I was so certain and negative about my future because I was in a rough spot, but what if I was wrong about tomorrow?  Each one of those statements represents a dream or goal I've had and when I became certain about my inability to reach them I essentially conceded defeat.  

Conceding defeat with this type of clairvoyant certainty is a nail in your coffin; it's giving up on yourself.  This type of certainty comes once you knowingly decide to give up on your dream. When is the last time you spoke of a dream with positive certainty rather then wishful possibility?

"I act with complete certainty. But this certainty is my own." ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein

To some extent, I believe in the law of attraction (conceive, believe, achieve).  Under this ideology it is impossible to achieve your dreams unless you believe in them...and yourself.  If you're certain they will never come to fruition then your certainty of failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Perhaps its time to flip the script you've created in your head?  Release the fingers wrapped around your neck choking the life from your future.  They're your fingers, my friend, no one else's.  Each finger is a negative statement about the certainty of your failure or inability, and the ramifications that today's failure voids tomorrow's dreams.  What if you are wrong about tomorrow?  What if you are on the brink of whatever it is you desire?  What harm would come to simply believe in yourself and deny the negative certainty that clouds you?  The answer is none.  It causes no harm...none.

"I like the scientific spirit--the holding off, the being sure but not too sure, the willingness to surrender ideas when the evidence is against them: this is ultimately fine--it always keeps the way beyond open--always gives life, thought, affection, the whole man the chance to try over again after a mistake--after a wrong guess." ~ Walt Whitman

Ask Yourself: What If?

I learned about a tactical mindset concept years ago in what seems like a different life...but the principles are applicable today as well. It's the idea that two mindsets exist: probability versus possibility. It's really somewhat rooted in statistics but it can literally set the tone for what you expect in your life.

On one hand, the idea of probability thinking tells you what to expect based on several factors, many of which are focused on the past. It's the idea that patterns of the past are pre-indicators to the future, which may very well be true if nothing is done to make a change. This type of thinking is safe for many people. It helps them to understand what will likely happen in the future. It's the framework for the status quo and, quite frankly, mediocrity.

On the other hand, possibility thinking is the discovery that the ceiling no longer exists. It's the idea that the future is unwritten, a blank slate as long as you possess the creativity and tenacity to pursue your dreams. It's shifting the focus to a mind-blowing realm of potential.

"Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon." ~ Paul Brandt

At a moment in my life when the future seemed bleak and uncertain, I met a friend who asked me, "What if you really don't know what the future will be?" Hmm, what if? What if I was wrong about tomorrow; what harm would it cause to believe in the possibility?  I hadn't drawn the connection between asking "what if" and the possibility mindset until recently but the application is spot on. Seeing the future, creating your path from here forward and finding your way begins with the phrase "What if?"

The application of this question is actually a wonderful entry point to a positive mindset. What harm would it cause to believe, even for just a moment, that you are on the brink of something truly great?  Of finally getting on the track to the life you've always dreamed of living?

"All things are possible until they are proven impossible." ~ Pearl S. Buck

I have a challenge for you. Ask yourself what it is you desire in your life and then ask, "What if...?" That's it, just start by asking that simple question and let your mind create the path. Purge all negative thoughts, block any objections and ask it. Use that phrase as a key to open your mind and flood it with the thoughts of what you'd hoped for as a child, worked for as a young adult, attempted to accomplish recently or desire for the future, and ask what if it all came true. Allow the possibility to re-enter your mind and rejoice in your imagination.

The opposition to optimism is negative self talk. The type of debilitating banter you would never utter to anyone but yourself. Developing a what-if attitude and a possibility mindset are the first objections to the negative banter. They break the mold of the humdrum and set the stage for the incredible. No one, and I mean NO ONE, can tell you that you can't do something...even you.

"I am too much of a skeptic to deny the possibility of anything." ~ Thomas Henry Huxley

Fear is the first enemy...

"Fear is the first enemy of love."

I posted a blog in December 2012 that began just this way. I remember the first time I read a variation of this quote and kind of getting offended by it. For some reason I just couldn't wrap my mind around the concept. Here I am over a year later and that phrase popped back into my head. Fear really is the first enemy of love...as well as a plethora of life's other great experiences.

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." ~ George Bernard Shaw 

At some point in our lives--perhaps even several points--we find a need to stop and reassess. Are we just plugging through our days going with the flow of the masses? Worse yet, are we directionless trying to find the meaning of it all?  Or are we truly creating the live that we want. Because it's not just about creating the life we want, it's about creating the person we want to be. It's defining ME.

Our dreams, desires, designs and decisions work in concert to create who we are. At any step in the process it may just stop from fear. What is it that you dream about daily and desire with every breath? Name just one desire that you have not designed into your life and made decisions to achieve. Is fear the reason for a break in the process? Fear of taking a chance? Of failure? Of getting hurt? Of being told no?

When we begin to turn our desires into designs for creating ourselves often fear is the preeminent detracting element. It requires us to do something different and that's scary. It shakes up the status quo of our existence. It shakes up what we think we already know to be true. Fear is the first enemy. It's the enemy of love, adventure, success, triumph, goals and ultimately creating ourselves.

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" ~ Robert H. Schuller

Fear is our conscience trying to keep us in check. It helps to prevent pain, suffering and disappointment. It's much easier to maintain the status quo, right? Think back to the top of this blog and remember why we're even in this process. We are in the throws of creating ourselves. The canvas is blank and we're afraid of the color choice.

Fear is indeed the first enemy of any amazing emotion we can experience in this life. If it were easy it would not likely be worth the effort. But despite all the fear and doubt, I believe it is absolutely worth every moment of effort to create yourself. It's worth it to experience true love, outrageous adventure, remarkable success, personal triumph and the highest goals. If you don't do this for yourself then who will?

"One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time." ~ Andre Gide

Another Classic Battle

Looking back through history there have been several classic battles: David and Goliath, Hatfields and McCoys, good and evil.  Another has been waging in me for a while, too.  It's the battle of dreams and responsibilities.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I've reached a point in my life, in both age and satisfaction, in which I feel the need to hit the reset button and create the life I want.  But in the course of 42 years I've accumulated some responsibilities.  Responsibilities are the results of previous decisions.  I've struggled the last few years thinking about this battle, allowing each side to wage a war inside my head, catapulting reasons, justifications and excuses back and forth.  It's been exhausting.

As I mentioned previously in my evolution of change, this process involved much deliberation and rumination, and still I find myself questioning my decision.  I believe this stems from the feeling I'm shrugging off some of my responsibilities.  In every decision there are corollary ramifications and I'm not sure any decision can be made without there being some negative effects.  That's the whole point of a decision, right?  It's a choice between two or more options, each with their own gains and losses.  I know this seems obvious, but in my thought process I need to break it down.

"Don't you find it odd that when you're a kid, everyone, all the world, encourages you to follow your dreams. But when you're older, somehow they act offended if you even try." ~ Ethan Hawke

Decisions like this come down to placing some value on the future, although this seems to require the ability to be a fortune teller.  For me, one decision satisfies the moment but the future is potentially bleak, whereas the other decision has a clearly visible and beneficial future.  Nonetheless, responsibilities.  That word pounds in my head with each syllable like a bowling ball falling onto concrete.  Then I realized something: when I felt stuck and failed to look at the big picture I turned the idea of responsibilities into limitations.  Responsibilities are not barriers nor limitations nor consequences.  Responsibilities are the fruit of our past.  Viewing them as limitations is akin to regretting a moment from your past and there is no value in that.

"The only limit is the one you set yourself."

It has taken me some time to see the truth in this.  I believe where there is a will there is a way.  When I looked at the responsibilities in my life as reasons I could not pursue an opportunity I gave up.  They became limitations because I stopped searching for a resolution.  But, there is always a resolution to some degree.  Perhaps not the first one our mind paints for us, but there are always resolutions to a dilemma.

The first step in finding this resolution is to make peace with the responsibilities--again, the fruit of our past decisions.  Embrace them.  At one point in the past we engaged in a similar decision-making process and this seemed like the best option, so embrace it.  Now, let's stop looking at this as an all-or-nothing situation and open our minds to options and possibilities.

"Every time you discuss the future, grammatically you're forced to cleave that from the present and treat it as if it's something viscerally different." ~ Keith Chen

Our mind can be our greatest ally, or our greatest enemy.  This battle of dreams and responsibilities is all in my head and it's as big a war as I make it out to be.  Yes, the only limit is the one you set yourself.  And, likewise, the only resolution is the one you create yourself.

My Change Evolution

You'll have to forgive me if the topic of change is becoming redundant or a bore, but things are happening for me and I'm inclined to share and reflect. For the first time in my life I had the beginnings of a panic attack. The topic, in a nutshell, was change.  It is actually quite a bit more involved than that; nonetheless, change was the inspiration for my tachycardia and breathlessness.  I feel I've been on the brink of change for some time now but it suddenly got real.

"All the concepts about stepping out of your comfort zone mean nothing until you decide that your essential purpose, vision and goals are more important than your self-imposed limitations." ~ Robert White

In my case my goals are quite lofty yet I feel the platform for such success and prosperity is not present in my current environment. As a result, I'm taking a huge step, rather a leap, towards meeting my goals and it is entirely outside my comfort zone. I'm moving to another state, leaving family behind, leaving a business behind and leaving my business partner and best friend behind. Life is about to change.

Change is not a single act; it's a process that must be managed. The changes imminent in my life have evolved from ideas to decisions to action, and my investment in my goals has evolved as well.  Every time I think I'm facing the toughest phase in this process the next phase comes and I realize the deeper I get into this evolution the tougher it gets. Each phase takes time and serious deliberation.

The first phase, idea generation was a "weeding out" process in which I filtered through all the possibilities. From here I narrowed the list to plausible options and began the decision phase. Truth be told, I really struggled with this phase. Perhaps that was part of my sluggishness. It's the classic pros/cons debate with a mixing of what-if rumination. It's really a valuation of my goals in relation to my current state, which is not all bad. Once I got through this stage, made a decision and began to develop confidence in my decision, the final step--action--is proving to be the most impactful step of all; hence the term leap. It's this leap that takes me out of my comfort zone. Ruminating was actually safe because it happened within my mind.

"One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time." ~ Andre Gide   

Looking back at panic's invasion of my body, I can pinpoint exactly what was going through my mind when it happened.  I was looking at the other side of my valuation list; the things I will go without. Often I would focus on the positive opportunities and negative consequences of a decision, but rarely do I look at the flip side, or what's positive in the present.  I've already moved past the decision phase and made peace with my decision but I doubted myself just long enough to allow my focus to shift to life inside my comfort zone. It's peaceful and predictable there. My vision of the future became clouded by everything good in the present and my fear manifested itself into a temporary re-valuation of my goals.

"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt." ~ William Shakespeare

The point to all of this is that change is an evolution of steps requiring progressively deeper mental commitment, courage and focus. As I write this post my anxiety has subsided (for now) and I am nine days from embarking on my journey.  Real change, the kind that changes your life, is not something to take lightly and as much as I can sit here and assert the need to take action, the truth of the matter is that it's unnerving. Had I not taken this process as an evolution of my options and thoughts I could not have developed nor had faith in my process. I would have crumbled long ago and spent the near future with my head hanging low from defeat unable to see my dreams.  Dreams exist in the clouds of possibility high above our heads, not in the soil trampled beneath our feet.

Today my resting heart rate was 48 beats per minute. I found my peace again.

  

Grow Like a Tree

This morning I came across a quote by Jim Rohn and instantly enjoyed a particular part.  He wrote:

"Every life form seems to strive to its maximum except human beings.  How tall will a tree grow?  As tall as it possibly can.  Human beings, on the other hand, have been given the dignity of choice.  You can choose to be all or you can choose to be less.  Why not stretch up to the full measure of the challenge and see what all you can do?" ~ Jim Rohn

The idea within the quote that I absolutely love is how tall a tree will grow: As tall as it can!  More specifically, I love how a tree grows.  I love how trees dig their roots into the earth to create a stable footing, and then reach for the sky.  As a tree grows so does its root system.  It is absolutely amazing to me to see a tree reach through the canopy to capture the sunlight.  Or, to see a tree that has altered its growth, moving around an object, to reach higher.

The object of our reach is relative, but the lessons learned from a tree show that we can move towards and still reach a goal, yet alter our path.  Have you ever really stopped to notice the strength and nobility in a single tree?  It's inspiring.  Hermann Hesse wrote this about trees:

"In their highest boughs the world rustles, their roots rest in infinity; but they do not lose themselves there, they struggle with all the force of their lives for one thing: to fulfill themselves according to their own laws, to build up their own form, to represent themselves." ~ Hermann Hesse

I remember first coming across this writing.  I admire the imagery and simple idea here.  A tree embeds its roots into the earth to grow and reach and withstand the turmoil that exists above.  As the tree grows, reaching higher into the world, the base grows to provide more footing.  That base is either wide or deep, depending on the tree, and offers stability.  Stability and strength are two different things.  Yet we often live life like standing on the edge of the beach with our feet shallowly buried in the sand.  When the water recedes back into the ocean, washing away the sand around our feet, we clinch our toes in an effort to overcome the force.  Our base is inadequate.

Living life like a tree, we are able to work around obstacles on our way to reach the sunlight through

the canopy only after we establish our base and set our roots: integrity, confidence, humility, courage, self-worth.  These are just a few of the traits necessary and essential to grow like a tree.  The roots must grow along with our trunk.  Stability and strength.  Life can be tiring, frustrating and hurtful.  We can try and try, yet fail.  Once we begin to see this as part of setting our roots, it begins to make sense.  And, we can push even higher towards that sunlight as our base grows, too.

When you look at a tree what do you notice first?  Likely, you notice the height and strength and solidness.  The tree hides the signs of tough years and lean growth in its rings.  It builds another ring around these hardships to become stronger, the roots reach farther and the tree grows that much closer to its sunlight.

"Like a tree I have endured years of drought and harsh storms, each challenging me; yet here I stand, solitary and proud, looking up to the sky where the sunlight brings a new day.  Life is lived here, in the treetops." ~ Jason Huntsinger    

 

Change is Choice

"We have the ability to change our minds at any given moment.  Why would it be any different to change our lives?" ~ Jason Huntsinger

It seems to me that in life we set out on this path and somewhere along the line we make a choice that takes us in a different direction.  This isn't always bad, and in fact it can be an absolutely wonderful thing.  Adapting to changing situations is a admirable trait that will add to a more joyful life.  But sometimes a choice leads us off in the wrong direction.  We may not know it at the time but we start to build momentum in this direction.  Gravity takes over.  We begin to make choices that compound on one another and build more momentum, making it seem almost impossible to stop.  One choice after another.

It's true in all aspects of life and business.  Think about it for a second.  This is how people start smoking, gain weight, do drugs, lie, cheat or even cut corners.  The first choice is the hardest because it is outside our normal behavior but the subsequent choices become easier because we build momentum.  Until we choose to change paths we only get farther and farther from the life we truly want.

"It's never too late to be what you might have been." ~ George Eliot

We make choices all day, every day.  We can change our minds about any of those choices, too.  I want to this instead.  I want that for dinner.  My quote at the top of the page asks a simple question - why would it be any different to change our lives?  It's not!  Our current position is merely the culmination of our choices to this point...nothing more.  There is nothing preventing us from making a different choice right now to get the on the life track we want to be on.  Sure it might take some effort because it requires change.  It requires jumping off the path of least resistance with confidence so we can hold our heads up and see the right path.

Are you in the shape you want to be in?  Are you in the line of work you really want?  Do you eat healthy?  Are you known for being kind and helpful?  There are so many choices to make every single day, but it is never too late to make that first one today.

Think back to the choice that set you on this path and now look back at the second paragraph for a moment.  Just like when we started heading down this path in life, the first choice was the hardest because it was outside our normal behavior.  Change is choice.  The choice we need to make to get back on track is the hardest.  Beyond that first choice we will begin to build momentum in a new direction.  We'll define new goals and find a new routine to meet those goals.  One choice leads to two and they compound.

It truly is never too late to be who you want, do what you want, or become what you want.  This is no ones life but your own.  

Painting the Scene

I've recently begun reading Lee Child's books featuring his character, Jack Reacher.  I'm enjoying the way Child writes and describes situations.  This morning I was reading the second book in the series, Die Trying, and got to a part in which Child described Reacher crawling through a narrowing cave in the side of a mountain.  I literally found myself flying through the words in a panic.

Child does an amazing job describing Reacher, who is similarly sized to me, crawling, scraping and nudging his way, inch by inch, through a very narrow tunnel in complete and total darkness.  At one point, the point where panic set in for me, Child describes the tunnel ending and being too narrow and shallow for Reacher to move his arms or get leverage to push backward and retreat.  Reacher panicked.  I panicked.  It was one of the most riveting series of descriptions I've ever read.  I was there with Reacher experiencing the situation and I couldn't stop until I found out what happened.  Child painted the scene wonderfully.

A couple hours later I sat drinking my morning coffee and it hit me.  I've never really read something that elicited such genuine emotion in me.  I fretted for Reacher.  I fretted for a situation that I felt myself in.  What if I read something that elicited the opposite emotions?  Why wait to read someone else's words to make me feel this way?  What if I invested as much emotional intensity and focus on painting the scene for the life I want?  Could I believe and visualize aspects of my own life with such fervent conviction?  Of course I can!

I am challenging myself here.  This train of thought is exactly in alignment with the Law of Attraction.  "What we can conceive and believe, we can achieve."  The Law of Attraction is an active approach to life, despite what the name implies.  I can't simply sketch a picture of where, what or how I want to be.  This would be such a perfunctory attempt to create my life.  I've got to sit on the edge of my seat with my mind completely focused on this conception.  I must block out the distractions around me; the naysayers, the critics, the myriad of interferences life throws my way and focus.  I must paint the scene with such definition and certainty that I find myself there, just like I did with Reacher.  I believe then, and only then, will I be able to truly bring it all together.

Locus of Control

There seems to be two different ideologies out there concerning happiness and success.  At times I have struggled to see how they're connected.  Recently, in a discussion with my partner, I mentioned my opinion that these ideologies seem to conflict with one another.  The topic concerns an upcoming decision I feel I need to make.  She, in yet another example of her brilliance, named the dilemma I was finally realizing.

In terms of happiness, some common thoughts revolve around the idea that we should make the best of any situation.

"Bloom where you are planted."

"Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out."

I understand the mentality here.  I've been in situations in which I repeated these thoughts to myself and they've helped.  I believe there is always a glimmer of hope in a situation if you train yourself to look for it.  In doing so, you train your mind to begin to see beyond the undesirable qualities of a particular circumstance.  But, my problem with this ideology is that it almost seems passive.  It's a "sit back and accept" mentality.  I disagree with that. 

Conversely, the other ideology focuses on making the effort to succeed.  It's about taking that leap of faith to create the life of your dreams.

"Control your own destiny or someone else will."

"The best way to predict the future is to create it."

This mentality is one of action.  One of grabbing life by the horns and making it what you want.  Do you see the contrast here?  It's acceptance versus action.  I am at the point in my life where I find real value in being the captain of my ship.  This is my life.  And, this one moment in time is a gift to me.  Why not make it the life I want it to be?  No one else but me has the responsibility or opportunity to make it worthwhile.

This is my dilemma: I find value in both ideologies depending on the situation.  My partner named this for me.  It's called Locus of Control.  This is a term used to describe whether someone feels in control of what happens to them.  That definition seems results-oriented, an afterthought.

I know I look at life with an internal locus of control.  I choose to place more practical value on framing my decisions with this mentality.  I know that I prefer to take an affirmative role in my life and make decisions.  I want to control what happens to me.  I also accept responsibility for the successes and failures that come from those decisions.  But the bottom line is that I want to create the life of my dreams.  After all...

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

Taking the Leap

Lately I've been drawn to videos of wingsuit flying.  Aside from the obvious (seeing a human flying at 150 miles per hour down a mountain), something else seems to draw my attention so honestly.  It's the fact that I have a genuine interest in seeing people push themselves past their comfort zone to achieve a goal.  The following video got my attention...

What I find so incredible about this man, whose name is Espen Fadnes, are the motions and emotions he shares, both verbally and physically--excitement, fear, honesty and preparation.  The image of him standing on the edge of the cliff working through the routine of the flight he is about to take literally takes me to the edge of my seat.  What he says makes him real to me.  "People who've seen me about to  fly off a cliff say I look perfectly calm.  It's the complete opposite.  I'm terrified.  I've just developed techniques and methods to cope with the fear."

This man is about to jump off of a cliff and perform a feat he has probably done hundreds of times, and he is talking about using techniques to overcome fear.  At some point this feat was a goal for him.  How many of us have fears about reaching our goals?  I do.  I've read many books about business and success on my journey.  One common theme is to focus on achieving your goal.  That is one of those ideologies that can be easier said than done.

It is easy to sit at a table with a nice cup of coffee and plan out some sort of life plan for success.  "In a perfect world I will do this, and they will do that, and then I will do this."  The work comes when we try to put that plan into effect.  Other factors don't always cooperate.  But the solution is not to simply stop dreaming or planning.  Let's look at how Fadnes works a dream into a reality.  There are some lessons to be learned.

First he works up the plan.  He maps out the location and terrain, and then figures the most natural route.  Notice when he maps out the route it is the path of least resistance.  That is how our plans for success should be, too.  He doesn't try to gain elevation to overtake a ledge.  He doesn't try to smash through a mountain.  He maneuvers his body to work around it.  One turn after another.  A concert of choices leading to a path of least resistance.  He has conceived his route to success.

Next he gathers the proper equipment.  This may seem like an obvious step but how obvious is it in our own lives?  Once we have a plan how well do we gather the right equipment to accomplish this plan?  To facilitate our path of least resistance?  I will leave this open-ended intentionally because it is YOUR plan and you need to find the tools to navigate the route that's best worked for you.

As he prepares to step off the cliff he goes through the routine again.  This is a calculated approach to his success.  Look at his body language.  He is so fully focused on reaching his goal that he literally walks through the flight plan, moving his body in the motions he has planned out.  He is visualizing the route to success, every step.  The plan is set and he is committed to following it.  There are no last minute changes he's making on the edge of the cliff.  He believes mightily in his plan now so he rehearses it and lives it in his mind.  Can we see ourselves living the plan we've developed?  It's rather difficult to focus this intently on a plan we are only half committed to.  If we can't see ourselves reaching the goal we are not ready to be standing on the edge of the cliff.  Period.

And then, the jump.  Fadnes says himself that he is "terrified" but he musters the courage to step off.  This is a real man, like you and me, completely aware of the consequences of failure, but confident in the plan he has developed, the equipment he's gathered, and the movements he's calculated.  He hasn't overcome fear with suppositions.  He's overcome it with knowledge, planning, commitment and faith.  These characteristics will allow him to achieve his goal.  When we are at this point to leap off are we just as committed?  More importantly, are we as enthusiastic about our commitment?  He steps off hard!  Once we reach this point in our lives, we should be so fully committed to our cause that we leap with determination as well.  The goal is down there, through the path of least resistance, waiting for us now.

I know it can be terrifying to step off the cliff we see in front of us.  I feel it often.  I feel myself about to step off,  looking down at my ravine (failure) and hoping that the plan I've developed works out.  There are times I have to admit that I may not be ready.  My belief should far outweigh my doubt.  The "leap" is setting into motion a plan we've developed for our own success, however we define that word.  Starting a business.  Changing an attitude.  Changing jobs.  These are major life-changing events which, in order to become viable successes, require the steps above.

Today, practice this with some very minor goal.  Something small.  It takes practice to become comfortable.  But it is doable.  The choice is ours to reach our goals.  No one else's.  Go make your dream your reality.

"Whatever the mind of a man can conceive and believe, it can achieve." ~ W. Clement Stone

Fear and Courage

Fear is the first enemy of love.

What's the first thought that crossed your mind when you initially read that?  Mine was, "I'm not afraid to love."  Ok, that's a valid thought because I am afraid to put my heart out there for fear it will be broken.  But, my response narrowly focuses on how I project my love onto someone else.  As I've read and re-read this quote I find a deeper meaning.

The word love is thrown around these days haphazardly.  Webster's Dictionary defines love, in part, as: "the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration."  Love is much more than a feeling for someone, it is a feeling for something, too.  What is your love?  Do you harbor some fear in reaching it?  Perhaps fear is a barrier to making our dreams a reality.  The key is to overcome our fear in order to create the life we dream about.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. ~ Henry D. Thoreau

What is your dream?  Starting your own business?  Moving to another state or country?  Going back to school?  Changing jobs?  Becoming a professional athlete?  Whatever it is, what's holding you back?  Fear.  Fear of change.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of failure.  Fear of the work.  I've faced them all, and I still do.  There is but one trait necessary to turn our dreams into reality -- courage.  The antithesis of fear is courage.  Courage is simply the mental mindset to overcome fear.

Courage is the mindset in the middle of a process.  This process begins with desire.  We must have a desire to follow our dreams.  Only when our desire to make our dreams a reality becomes greater than our fear can we begin to develop the courage to overcome the fear.  As our courage becomes more deeply ingrained in our character, fueled by smart choices and an optimistic demeanor, we develop the confidence to make the decisions necessary to change our lives.  It doesn't matter what stage you're at in life because we all have this fear to some degree.  We all yearn for a love of something.

So, fear is the first enemy of love.  Our love.  Our passion.  Fear is a lock on the gate in the nexus between dreams and reality.  Between here and happiness.  Courage is the key to that lock.  Living life and creating happiness takes courage.  Stand tall amid your critics.  Walk with pride away from the mine field of past decisions.  Hold your head high so you can keep your dreams in sight.  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  The past is over and the choices you've previously made are inconsequential to your ability to follow your dreams...as long as your desire exceeds your fear.

Fear may be the first enemy of love, but courage is the first ingredient of happiness.