Crash and Burn

"My past is everything I failed to be." ~ Fernando Pessoa

As I see it there are two main categories of failure (my common and unrelenting theme).  Just to make sure we are starting from the same point, let's agree that failure is essentially understood as a lack of success (Merriam-Webster dictionary).  The most commonly considered failure is the good ol' crash and burn.  The type where you make that fatal mistake or misjudgment which leads to an undesired outcome.  The outcome we hadn't expected or anticipated when we set off on this journey.

Whenever I read books or articles, or even watch videos, about overcoming failure I'm left with one question: what kind of failure do you mean?  It almost seems as if the types of failure that Tony Robbins or Dale Carnegie build from involve a situation that, somewhat passively, just happened.  The journey to our perceived success is a series of actions that we take, right?  A series of foundation-building choices that we make.

Failure, in any sense of the word, is due to a miscalculation, misstep or poor choice that we made.  The choice that preceded our action.  If you don't see that then you're not looking back far enough to the root of the failure.  Even when we make decisions contrary to public norms in our personal lives, which can and do lead to failure, if you look back far enough you'll find that your failure began before that choice.  The failure manifested itself here, but you failed back there.

On our journey to succeed, which in some form of the word means to have more successes than failures in life, we form a plan making one choice after another and somewhere along the line we will inevitably fuck up.  Period. We all do. Some produce a more brilliant fireball than others--it's called a crash and burn for a reason--but the point is that we all make the wrong choice.  The set of circumstances before us at any given moment coupled with our mindset and the weight of the world around us shapes our perception of the options before us.  CEOs of major corporations and street level drug dealers all have reasons for their misjudgments that made some sense at the time, but in the end they will suffer a crash and then burn at a level relational to there status.

Whether your failure stems from a miscalculation or an egregious choice, once you've faced the backlash it is time to rebuild from this failure.  It really makes no difference how you failed but it makes all the difference in the world how you recover.  No matter what the failure, your obligation to the world is to continue to pursue your calling or destiny.  You need to find and deliver your value to this world for your own sake.  This is what will define you and your life, and ultimately show the world who you really are.

"You are what you do, not what you say you'll do." ~ C.G. Jung

But let's focus on one key point in the crash and burn type of failure...you took action!!  You overcame some fear that could have kept you in your comfort zone, but you chose to break out and take action.  So, for that, I say BRAVO!!  You see, the other type of failure is a failure to launch.  I believe a failure to launch creates a foundation for regret far more than even the most outrageously poor decisions.  When you take some action--igniting your soul onto a path of your dreams--you've made the most crucial choice possible: you acted.  Your sole (i.e. your soul), which was once resting comfortably on a solid and easily predictable surface, had left its comfort zone.

Any misstep from that point is an opportunity to gain constructive feedback on your choice.  Step, learn and build.  Step, learn and build.  Step, fall, learn and build.  Step, learn and build.  The only real failure here is if you fail to learn from the misstep.  Yet, in a failure to launch you truly deny yourself the opportunity to succeed.

"Your fear is 100% dependent on you for its survival." ~ Steve Maraboli

Some fear taking those first few steps because they fear the possibility of failure.  Perhaps the fear is learned from past failures, or perhaps it's just a misinformed perception of failure.  I assure you that every step you take towards your goal will contain in itself a seed of success.  There are so many parables about a forest fire here.  Sometimes it takes a crash and burn to release the seed from its protective shell so that it can finally take root.  As devastating as a forest fire is, often it's the purest way to regenerate new growth.  This would never be an option for you if you fail to launch.

"You're depriving your soul, and your sole, unless you take that first step towards your greatness." ~ Jason Huntsinger 

The Mindset of Regret

"Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been." ~ Kurt Vonnegut

This is an interesting quote considering a 2014 study that reportedly shows mice exhibit regret as humans do.  Regret is a strong word to use and perhaps it's best to begin by defining my use of it here.  It is an emotion of sadness about a choice that has already been made.  It is different than mere disappointment; regret is repentance about a past decision.

Although the quote above suggests a missed opportunity, what I really want to discuss is how regret can become a paralyzing mindset.  Yes, paralyzing.  The recollection of a regretted decision can become the catalyst for self-doubt on a massive scale.  It's like finding a crack in the foundation of your life.  Even thought you've known it was there and you've built a magnificent life over it, the occasional observation of its presence casts a pall of gloom over everything.  This mindset is not necessarily a continual thought but when it arrives it is numbing.

The issue here--besides the obviousness of emotional paralysis--is that our lives are a journey of stepping stones we place.  When thoughts become a defeatist mindset of regret the path of the stones we lay goes askew.  If we fail to be cognizant of this effect then our mindset of regret becomes a limit we place upon ourselves, no matter how well we recover or build over it.  One single choice can have seemingly continuing collateral consequences both for you and those whose lives intersect with yours.  But, that is somewhat true and false of every decision whether regrettable or agreeable.  Our lives are fluid, rapidly evolving, and cannot follow a set path, nor can those lives around us.  So, the issue really becomes finding a way to avoid lamenting in our choices of the past and, ultimately, overcome this mindset.

"We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future." ~ Steve Maraboli

I recently had a conversation with my future father-in-law about the work/family balance.  This is a man who has remained married to his high school sweetheart, raised two wonderful and successful children, provided well for his family and is now reaching retirement.  Yet, even in all his professional and familial success he finds moments of regret.  My point is that no one is immune to their mind creeping in.

I've come to understand there are two methods to prevent the mindset of regret.  First, is to understand the choice, once made, is immediately in the past.  As time continues to pass the collateral consequences become less and less linked to our choice because every element that we believe to be a collateral effect has the ability to remain fluid and correct itself.  No element is entirely parasitic and life is not completely linear thus an unanticipated trajectory needn't remain out of control.  The first method is to focus on the here-and-now, and what choices you can make now.

The second method is to consider the totality of it all.  All too often we take a single moment from life and try to define ourselves by it.  We tend to generalize our lives into one lifetime but the reality is we experience 10.5 million minutes in just the first twenty years of life and each is an opportunity to make a new choice.  Considering the totality of it all is finding a way to be kinder to ourselves and take pride in this life we live.  Every decision brought us to this moment and we can all find something special about it.

"Good or bad, right or wrong, the choices I make in my life are the brush strokes on the canvas of my lifetime.  I assure you--both critics and admirers--that the finished product of my life will be a work of art and will not disappoint." ~ Jason Huntsinger