Follow the Bread Crumbs

I've been working on a book for the last four years, although in reality it's been 43 years in the making.  It's about attitude and failure but more specifically how the former affects the latter.  The title is: Falling is the Easy Part.  It is, in part, about failure but more importantly the realization that you'll face your own "now what do I do?" moment.  Life goes on but you need to make a choice first: succumb to the setback or discover the lesson.  The question is, how do you find a positive attitude after falling?  Follow the bread crumbs.

"In life, people trip.  Most people fall.  Some people turn that into a beautiful, beautiful dance." ~ John Mayer

For some reason many of us think of failure as a catastrophic event.  Almost as if it's an irrecoverable slippage from our track through life.  It's not.  We fail in some way nearly every single day.  Granted, there is a significant difference between failing to wake up at sunrise to exercise and failing as an employee by stealing--where deeper underlying character issues need to be resolved--but the point is we easily dismiss many trivial failures quickly.

The real issue here is not whether or not we fail; the issue is a two-step evaluation of the aftermath:

1. How well do we either harbor or jettison the feelings of failure?
2. How much did we value the opportunity?

We often hold on to the feelings of failure because we sulk in the thoughts that we won't realize the benefits of the opportunity had we succeeded.  The aftereffect I brood most about is how my failure might affect my kids' future.  Nothing has happened to justify these thoughts but I somehow continue to battle myself over thoughts of hypotheticals.

Let's take job loss for example.  You've been fired or laid off for some reason, so you reached the point of failure when you became incapable of meeting some expectation you set for yourself.  That expectation was born when you faced an opportunity and imagined the outcome and benefits.  With that you took a step in a new direction and here we are.

Falling down in life is the easy part.  It's the choice thereafter that becomes difficult: succumb to the setback or discover the lesson.  Succumbing to the setback is akin to hiding from life.  It's giving up.  It's using a single event to define an entire lifetime.  It's adopting a belief that everything leading up to that failure was a failure as well.  Such a fallacy!  There you stood weighing the benefits of the opportunity you chose to pursue., and all your actions and decisions up to that exact moment led you to that possibility.  How can you call that a failure?

The truly amazing part is that, believe it or not, you had already failed in some way prior.  Even in the most mundane sense you got on with things after failure and you succeeded again.  Don't you see that you really can overcome setbacks?  The crippling feeling you have now is just your mind fretting over the missed benefits of this opportunity.  That's what is causing you continued distress.  It's your mind focusing on what could have been.

The second option is to discover the lesson.  I can attest that sometimes it's unimaginable to believe something positive can come from failure.  Where do you begin to look for the positive?  In that case, look to the moment of failure and work backward.  Positive decisions and emotions led you to the brink of opportunity.  Now transition your thoughts away from what went wrong and focus on what went right.  Follow the bread crumbs back.  They are clues to help you find the happiness, positive characteristics, confidence and enthusiasm you had.  Only then will you be able to see the entirety of the situation and the path you took.  That is your lesson.

"Sadness is but a wall between two gardens." ~ Khalil Gibran

Recapturing the moment you stood on the brink of opportunity is the positive element I want to focus on.  Prior to your failure you discovered an opportunity and thought so highly of it that you decided to leave your comfort zone and reach for it.  Remember how it made you happy to imagine reaching this goal?  Happiness gave you the confidence to take that step.  Looking back at the job loss example, that job offer came after you stood tall in an interview and sold your abilities!  You convinced the hiring manager or owner that you brought some serious value to the game.  Look in the mirror now and tell me whether that's who you see today.  My bet is no.  Today you are sad, and that sadness is the wall between you and the next opportunity.  Follow the breadcrumbs back to the mindset of yesterday, take a deep breathe and live in that moment.

There's a reason we leave bread crumbs...to find our way back; back to some point in time when we felt the confidence to take another step.  In your time of failure, follow the bread crumbs.

Purpose and Re-Purpose

I had a specific life plan when I was preparing to graduate high school.  It did not include college.  It was down a specific path into the "real" world.  It took a couple years to reach that goal but I made it.  I realized my purpose.  Check that, I realized the purpose I envisioned in my early twenties.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to shed before the new one can come." ~ Joseph Campbell

The problem exists when the criteria used to craft our plan changes.  Life happens and things change, both from our choices and the world's choices.  What we believe to be our purpose or direction alters.  Some might call this growing.  It's here that we can either look back with a mournful eye and create fear for what comes next, or we can re-purpose our lives.

My girlfriend is the queen of recycling and reusing items.  She's known as the woman who prints on the back of anything before using a new piece of paper.  I love that mentality.  Very little is void of value.  While driving around one day she pointed out a building that was being remodeled; re-purposed, as she put it.  It seemed to make complete sense to me at that exact moment.

"Each day brings new circumstances that allow us to learn more about life and our own desires.  Our plan today may not suit who we are tomorrow.  The journey of a lifetime need not be mapped in the mind of life's novices." ~ Jason Huntsinger 

I reached that point in my life where, through my own past choices,  I needed to realize a new path. At times it's scared me.  At times it's liberated me.  I've felt like the last 20 years were all for naught simply because I failed to discover the value in failure, and so I viewed it all as failure.  But then I finished that book, wrote an epilogue to myself and closed it up.  What a read!  The most relevant learning in this lifetime comes dressed as failure, but we're too afraid to acknowledge its existence.

Volume 2 has begun...

I've come to understand more and more that we tend to look back with dissatisfaction when we create expectations for ourselves.  The days in our lives and the world around us are far too fluid to try to place it into a mold for what we believe to be perfection.  The life that I envisioned to be in balance when I was 20 is unrecognizable today.  Happiness is not found by constantly checking to make sure the plan is in balance.  It's found in the joy of creating balance.

The only shame in a life of re-purpose is failing to see it.  

What Do You See?

I just finished watching this video from a diversity coach named Jane Elliot.  Around ten minutes into the video she brought a tall black man, named Russell, to the front of the class and asked him whether his height, gender and skin color were important.  He replied yes to all three.  She then told the class, in summary, that in our attempt to not focus on any particular aspect of Russell we diminish what he finds important in identifying himself.

That got me thinking about the reality of what we see.  What characteristics of your true self do you display to the world?  Suffice it to say we advertise what we want the world to see and play down what we don't.  I previously posted a blog on expectations in which I ended with this quote:

"When you look at someone you see what you expect to see: good or bad.  Therefore, always look for the vein of goodness because it's there.  Expect it and it appears." ~ Jason Huntsinger

How many times do we pass someone on the street or in a store, or simply listen to what other's say and form a quick opinion?  I'm afraid we judge people by what we see or hear in that instant, rather than evaluate the content of their being.  I'm guilty of it.  I'm not saying we form a hatred or bias necessarily, but with the number of people we could interact with in a single day and obviously choose not to, it seems rather impossible not to make a quick judgment and ignore someone.

My point here is we should never forget that people are far more than just what we see...as are we.  We should focus on the differences between us because that is where the real beauty of life is.  We all have a journey to take and possess inherent value.  People's lives are stories being continually written.  You would never grab a book and discard it simply because of its cover or open to the middle, read a single paragraph and form an opinion of the entire book.  So why do we do that to people?

I am a work in progress.  I am one of life's great tragedies at the same time I am one of life's great accomplishments.

"I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see." ~ Douglas Pagels

Life is a painful and exhilarating odyssey that we may at times believe incapable to perfect and at others impossible to improve.  People fall.  Falling is the easy part.  But people also possess a natural motivation to get back to their feet and try again, see the sun rise and welcome a new day, feel or show true love and make someone smile.

If you see someone in his or her moment of personal hardship please don't write them off.  Rather, understand that the depth of a person is far beneath their clothes or skin, and expect to see something magical inside them.  Relish in the friendships of individuals on their own journeys rather than the homogeneous anonymity of masses.  Surround yourself with people who see you for all that you are, and celebrate your similarities and differences.  Simply be you while allowing others to be them, and together let's be us.

"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary." ~ Oscar Wilde

Go All In

When I co-owned a specialty retail store I learned very quickly there was a plethora of merchandise options we could carry in the store.  It was a tough decision to narrow down the possibilities because one category of merchandise segued into the next and so on.  At some point I had to draw the line.  That was when I began thinking about the concept of going all in.  I used to say "if we're going to carry something then we're going to do it all the way: All in."

Later it became clear to me that this mantra was actually a pretty good reminder of how to create the mindset necessary to succeed.  Recently I've struggled with the feeling of being pulled in too many directions.  It's all in my head...I know.  But the point is that I'm not taking my own advice: Go all in.  I can't make decisions in my life if I'm not willing to do it all the way.

"Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans." ~ Peter F. Drucker

Going all in is committing to your decision.  Following through.  Giving it all you got.  Having confidence in your decisions and, ultimately, yourself.  This is accomplished by a positive attitude.  An attitude of optimism which leads to decisiveness.  You can't take that leap of faith unless you believe.  Pessimism breeds doubt and you begin attacking your decision with what-ifs.

Life, love, business and happiness all require you to go all in.  Consider all of your options--of course--but when you make your decision give it your all.  Eight working hours per day become far less if your mind is playing games and considering your doubts.  Your productivity suffers and your creativity is diverted to finding an escape.  There are no doubts in success; there are only lessons learned.  But still again, to really learn the lesson you need to fully commit yourself to the decision.

"Without commitment, you cannot have depth in anything, whether it's a relationship, a business or a hobby." ~ Neil Strauss

Making the decision to draw the line in my store was good.  Rather than scratch the surface of too many possibilities I was able to create depth in a qualified few.  I had a reason for everything on the shelf.  Do you have a reason for everything in your life?  If so, don't sell yourself short and simply go all in!

Making Amends

"It's not a person's mistakes which define them - it's the way they make amends." ~ Freya North

Do you remember as a child throwing a ball indoors or hitting a rock with a bat and the moment it began its trajectory who just knew it was bad?  But you watched it travel directly into the vase on the mantel or through the neighbors window horrified at what you had just done.  There was no taking it back once it began its journey.

The same is true of our choices as adults.  We get angry at work and say something hurtful.  We feel the pressure of work and take it home to bark at our families or loved ones.  We succumb to the stress and angst from any given element in our lives.  Think about all of the pressures we face day-to-day, or all of the choices we meet through the day.

They are all either opportunities to take a step towards success, or in some cases, launch yourself in the wrong direction.  At some point you may cross the line and there is no going back.  Whether you say something terribly inappropriate or hurtful, or make a choice that will destroy what you've built, you've damaged a relationship or your reputation.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~ Maya Angelou

There is no doubt people will take offense to a misstep or mistake and there is just one thing to do to fix the situation: make amends.  This is much harder to do in some cases but necessary nonetheless.  Part of the resolution may simply be to slowly and consistently rebuild the connection and character you once had.  It will never be the same and that's just the way it goes.  But try anyway!

There are a few steps I've learned in order to make amends:

1. Acknowledge: The first is to acknowledge the incident.  Sweeping it under the rug and moving on is not a viable option.  Acknowledge your behavior with complete contrition and without excuse.  A powerful phrase, when heartfelt, is "I'm sorry."
2. Identify:  Whether your actions were directly or indirectly harmful to someone you need to identify your motivation behind the action.  Did you snap on a co-worker because you really harbor some ill feelings you've managed to keep jarred up for two years?  Do you struggle with some self-destructive habits that cloud your judgment and decision-making?  Whatever it is identify it and craft a process to fix it.
3. Be accountable:  This is different than acknowledging your action.  This is about letting someone know what you found in step 2.  Does your drinking cause this behavior?  Does your inability or unwillingness to communicate effectively at work create a festering of emotion?  Talk to a mentor or confidante and hold yourself accountable for fixing this.
4. Initiate:  This is the slowest part of the process and you simply must be patient.  Everything can be demolished in a fraction of the time it takes to build it.  In most cases this is a matter of trust and trust must always be earned with repetition and consistency.  Be true to your plan.

Here is a one more vital part of this process: you must identify who was actually harmed in this process and focus your attention on them.  Even if your mistake was self-destructive there is some collateral consequence.  Always.  Someone trusted you or counted on you and that relationship is now damaged.  You may also notice someone was offended or upset but not actually affected by your infelicity.  And in some cases this person may become your loudest critic.  Do not waste your time trying to please them.  It's just as important to make amends to the right person as it is to move on and free yourself from the critics.

"Living life in the straight and narrow is often easier said than done.  As such, making amends and rebuilding your character are necessary traits to master in this life.  Focus on the people who matter: the ones capable of seeing your entire journey rather than just how far off the line your foot slipped." ~ Jason Huntsinger

The List

I like to make lists.  Somewhat.  I don't enjoy actually writing the list out on a piece of paper or the nearest junk mail envelope.  Rather, I make mental lists of things I'd like to accomplish today, tomorrow, next week, next month, etc.  To me making a list is the manner in which I scroll through my thoughts to prioritize what really matters to me.  

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." ~ Soren Kierkeaard

Then I got to thinking.  I've made mistakes in my past (as we all have to some degree) and it can be easy in times of idleness or difficulty to think back and pine for the greatness I once had.  Make no mistake, I have a very carefully crafted list in my head at this exact moment and I know what I want for my future, but I just can't help to think I drifted off track.  My long term list includes activities that will allow me to continue to grow as a person, be happy and successful again.

But why do I need a list to get there?  Making a list requires, in part, a retrospective assessment and consideration of the options ahead.  It's a filtering mechanism derived from our experiences, hopes and desires.  Think about this for a moment: make a very short list of things you'd like to try or places you'd like to visit.  For example, when you created this list about places you'd like to visit you likely began thinking of places you've either previously visited or read/heard about.  Even if you sat in front of a globe, spun it on its axis and stopped it with your finger in a random spot, your mind immediately scrolled through memories to recall what you knew of Istanbul. 

"What's past is prologue." ~ William Shakespeare

No matter where you are in your journey through life create that list for yourself: the list of what you want or desire in the days ahead.  This has nothing to do with being unhappy or ungrateful with your current position; you can be completely happy and still want more for yourself.  It's about understanding that taking the time to create your list is essentially appreciating your past and realizing that every single moment has had a purpose.  Were it not for the past you would have no clue what you want.  Understand that every rise and fall, laugh and cry, moment of exhilaration and trepidation have become the recipe for you to create this list, and only then can you truly be grateful for the past and the present.

"There are two beautiful aspects of getting older: we have more days behind us to better understand what we truly want and a greater appreciation for the days ahead to make it happen." ~ Jason Huntsinger

 

Look Ahead: Glance Behind

"Study the past if you would define the future." ~ Confucious

I've endured much in the way of change these last several years.  The lion's share has come from my own choices, both good and bad...but not all of it.  My life has literally been upended and thrown in a new direction, a couple times actually.  I've survived.  

In my own experiences I've tended to welcome change, even precipitate it, but sometimes I find myself checking my current status by looking back and comparing to what I once was or once had.  I have less in the way of stuff than I did ten years ago but I'm in a better state of mind than ever before.  So, being an optimist at heart I try to refocus my thoughts towards the type of forward-moving enthusiasm that precedes change like a red carpet precedes the famous.

Why do I try to compare?  Now to then.  This to that.  Mostly because I am dissatisfied with some of my past choices.  Don't get me wrong, I'm also very happy with many choices and proud of my accomplishments, but it's those poor choices that sting.  I agree that there is little value in painting the past with regret.  That is such an invaluable emotion, really: regret.  Perhaps looking back is not so much regret as it is an analysis.  Maybe it's actually the manner in which I look back on the past that creates a reflective burden of regret and deprives me of making peace with it.  I cannot change the past, I get that, but in analyzing the past I have some say in preventing it from repeating itself.  

"There's a reason the car's windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror."

I've enjoyed this quote periodically but I have always read it with the focus on the windshield as a massive portal to view what's ahead.  I've ignored the rearview mirror reference altogether.  Consider this, there is in fact a rearview mirror.  There is in fact a need to check the past.  There is in fact a sense of reassurance in taking a periodic glance behind you.  In some cases, there is in fact true value in watching the past become the past.  We can never change our memories and may always use the past as a reference point.  That's perfectly acceptable.  What's important is where you go from here.

This driving analogy is useful.  We use our mirrors frequently to make sure changes in direction are safe.  We don't drive forward by fixing our gaze solely on the images we see leaving us in the rearview mirror.  Our primary focus is through the front windshield: even if it's cracked and pitted from miles of rough roads.  It's our portal to what's ahead.  Nonetheless, we glance back and assess, but then look forward again.  Key word here: assess.

"You don't know where you're going if you don't know where you've been."

We learn from our past by assessing our choices and results.  Hindsight is 20/20 because we have both the factors for the decision and the consequences of the choice.  In order to reach the opportunities ahead--the ones visible through that big beautiful windshield--we constantly assess and reassess the journey to where we want to be.  

So, what now?  My answer is unwritten.  But, I can say one thing with absolute certainty: I will continue to move forward, embrace change and check my rearview to ensure the change is positive.

"Because my life isn't going to wait around while I figure out how to make it work." ~ Susane Colasanti