We See What We Want To See

This piece, like every blog, is purely a collection of words that I've arranged to describe a thought. I can try my best to communicate emotion through these words but, alas, they are just words. Nevertheless, the reader (you) will interpret these words and their context exactly as you want to see them. Your perspective is based on your own attitude towards this abstraction as you interpret these words looking for emotion, meaning and undertones. We see what we want to see.

"Songs are as sad as the listener." ~ J.S. Foer

Think about this quote, and recall one of your favorite songs. Recall the place where you stood in life when you heard the words, or, more importantly, when the words took meaning for you. Your attitude completely affected the meaning and influenced your perspective. But, obviously, not everyone sees the same meaning; we see what we want to see.

This idea is applicable to many parts of life. Whether listening to a song, reading an article, hearing a story or even in our daily interactions, we are always influenced by our own attitude and perception. I believe that once our initial opinion of the artist, author, narrator or person is corroborated by our attitude it forges a longer-term assumption that, intentionally or not, influences our future interactions. We see what we want to see.

My narrative thus far has focused on the self-regarding manner in which we view the world. It paints a picture of control on our part and, as beneficiaries of our perception, how we interpret the world. But for every action, such as the judgment and opinion we cast into the world, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Someone else is judging you right now.

"...it would be interesting to find out what goes on in that moment when someone looks at you and draws all sorts of conclusions." ~ Malcolm Gladwell 

When I shift my thought process from one of casting judgment outward to the impact and influence of being judged, it reminds me of the Golem effect. I can remember exactly where I was the first time I heard this term because it has resonated with me ever since. In summary, it is a concept of the self-fulfilling prophecy whereby placing a judgment of low expectations on someone effectively lowers his performance.

This theory is most clearly relevant in closer relationships and interactions: the parent-child, teacher-student or manager-employee relationship, to be specific. But what if the ramifications of the Golem effect profoundly and silently impact your ability to interact or communicate with the rest of the world? Is there such a thing as a societal Golem effect? Of course! Individuals in various classes of life commonly assess a negative expectation onto others whether because of federally-protected criteria such as race, color, gender, religion, ancestry, age, veteran status or disability, but also political affiliation, income, location or criminal history.

The societal Golem effect causes your harmony with society to be out of balance. The spoken and unspoken agreements you make with others in daily interactions become meaningless and the words you offer, regardless of whether they are intended to support or encourage, become subject to the attitudinal perceptions mentioned above. How can we interact with one another in a harmonious bond if our primary means of communication is null of the meaning we give it and imbued with the attitude of its recipient?

"Words are a pretext. It is the inner bond that draws one person to another, not words." ~ Rumi

Clearly, any time we directly violate trust or create a misunderstanding in the interpersonal relationships you hold close it may influence the agreements and attitudes of both parties. If you lie to someone they don't quickly forgive or forget. But remember, the Golem effect is a facet of the self-fulfilling prophecy, which means if your interpersonal interactions cause you to cast irreparable negative influences upon yourself, it is just as oppressive as interacting with someone who treats you in a derogatory manner. At some point in life, when these attitudes outweigh any possibility of positive communication and your relationship shifts from harmony to dissonance it is time to terminate the association. Your life deserves positive influences and people who fill you with positive expectations. You deserve hope. You can never start a new day, with a new mindset, if you are consistently judged by the empty expectations of yesterday. We see what we want to see, so make it something positive. Your soul will thank you.

"Simply put, you cannot live a happy life with the weight of negative expectations." ~ me

This is Your Story to Write

I'm finally sitting down to write about some thoughts that have been swirling around my mind for the past few months.  I've whittled it down to a combination of thoughts surrounding the characters in our lives, how they attempt to influence our experiences and the ultimate belief that they're simply our stories to write.

"With every passing day, we add a page to our personal story, an illustrative script that casts our character shaped by an implacable external environment and fashioned by our supple state of inwardness." ~ Kilroy J. Oldster

This is an obvious topic, surely, and perhaps one that needn't even be written about.  Just more fodder to cultivate a positive mindset, maybe?  But what I've been working to wrap my mind around is the idea that we all have some central theme we're working towards, writing our stories, and we have both protagonists and antagonists at work throughout.  The key point to understand is that we can take something away from both of them.

You would think the presence of these characters in our stories would be easy to spot; diametrically opposed characters in a tug of war for our attention.  But sadly, they are sometimes not.  Perhaps the difficulty arises from an idea that our stories are works in progress, not yet set in ink on the pages we call our days.  And, so perhaps an irresistible companion to life's fluidity defense is the idea that our protagonists and antagonists work to lure us along in their developing stories also.  They, too, are on their own journeys writing their tales, but the moment their lives intersect ours it becomes an allegory to us.

"When you realize the influence in your life is the work of craftsmen, it becomes imperative to your existence to break free of their stories and write your own." ~ me

The protagonists and antagonists influence us by casting upon us some pretense, or ulterior objective, but I argue they might not be the ways we expect.  This isn't meant to sound skeptical of everything and everyone, but more just to cause awareness.  It's important to be aware that influence and the underlying pretense detract from our stories.  The stories we pen for ourselves flow from our own minds, befouled or purified by our experiences, into and through our hearts before finding their way down through our hands to the pens we hold.  These are our stories to write.  So I say, fear the protagonists but love the antagonists!

The protagonists, who we expect to be ourselves, are more often others who purport to help us along in the direction that we suggest we'd like to go.  Bear in mind this is a work in progress for us so the character development (i.e. us) is also a work in progress.  For this arrangement to work, we must always retain control of the pen.  It's far too easy to relinquish control of the very tool used to scribe this life to someone who seems to have a better idea of the path to take.  The day-to-day experiences coupled with the mindset and purpose we weave together can only come from us.  True, others have forged seemingly similar paths on their way to achievement but it's actually as close to impossible as it gets that these folks started at the exact same point and position in life, faced the same challenges and opportunities, made the same preceding choices and continued at the same pace.  We are all miracles that began before our parents even met, so the reality exists that every step in this process is as uniquely individualized as we are.  Never relinquish control of the pen and approach with caution the ones who want to show us an easier way!!!

"He that struggles with us strengthens our nerves, and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist is our helper." ~ Edmund Burke

The antagonists, on the other hand, are rather easy to identify but we sometimes fail to recognize the role they play.  By the very definition of an antagonist, we're prepared to meet hostility so the human reaction is likely fight or flight.  Fight or defend at all costs; flight or abandon the effort.  But, I say view the antagonists merely as analysts of our plans.  The fight or flight mentality suggests imagery of a confrontation whereby some thing is at risk of loss.  Yet, let's agree on the fluidity aspect of this work in progress.  Criticism from antagonists is an opportunity to test the validity and logic of our themes.  The protagonists won't offer this anti-advocate point of view.  While we might believe this fight or flight mentality would best prepare us for the critical inspections of the antagonists, it's actually a fallacious predisposition.  There is no thing to protect or flee.  There is nothing other than our next reaction to the world that matters when we pen our story.  Absorb the insight from the antagonists once you uncloak the seed of positivity.  It's always hidden in there!!!

The characters at play in our stories are as vital to the development as the environment itself.  But again, the stories we write are our own individual accounts of triumph and tragedy.  And at the end of the story, there is just one name attesting to the truth contained within...yours!  This is your story to write.

Live Your Rhythm

One of the things I love about life is the opportunity to talk and connect with people.  I've had some truly incredible, and sometimes emotional, interactions with random people, acquaintances and new friends.  These experiences have added value to my life and sometimes provide a new path for introspection.  It's in these moments that I've felt my heart swell, find direction and beat a little quicker.

On the contrary, some folks don't find this connection.  Instead they make a comparison; a juxtaposition of lives that ignites resentment.  These are your critics.

"The path to personal fulfillment comes from your heart, not your critics." ~ me

I've recently heard a phrase, while talking to one of my customers, that really stuck with me.  It was one of those phrases that makes you stop and really try to digest every word: Live your rhythm.  You've got to design your own flow, at your own pace, with your own motivations and inspirations.  The trick is finding like-minded people who encourage your journey, value your effort and believe in you, and the question is how do you find those people.

It's a question of balancing vulnerability and self-assuredness.  You will never realize the life you envision for yourself if you don't expose your intentions and your heart.  Your path is drawn by your heart, paved with desire, goals and fulfillment.  All too often we undervalue the voice inside but overvalue the voices of the critics.  Remember the critics?  The ones who are unable to support your journey because they compare and contrast life.

Living your rhythm means, to me, creating your direction and pace through life in harmony with your dreams.  It means listening to your own voice, your own heartbeat and your own intentions rather than those who project their own frustrations onto you.  It means navigating life the way you choose to navigate it, connecting with positive influences who contribute to the value of your life, experiencing the triumph of unabashedly opening your heart to the world and feeling the absolute peace of fulfillment.

"What happens when people open their hearts? They get better." ~ Haruki Murakami        

Thoughts on Watching Others Succeed

"Non nobis solum nati summum." ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

This phrase translates to "Not for ourselves alone are we born."  There is something about this phrase that just sticks with me and, oddly enough, makes me appreciate social media.  I think back to the first time I heard about Instagram and the criticism: Why do people care about the pictures you post?

I care...sometimes.  I care when I see your struggle, your discipline, your dedication and achievement.  As a result I subscribe to people who's journeys I care to see, the people within whom I see these traits.  I care because we are all in this together, yet we are all on our own journeys.  I care because you and I seem to have common interests.  I care because I've been in the bleachers of an Ironman finish, closing in on the midnight deadline and I've seen the pain in your face as you push through to cross the line.  With an empathetic and encouraging heart, I care because I know the voices in our heads are sometimes so convincing that they can't be ignored.  And social media is a great platform for this documentary of life and achievement.

I have often thought about two ideologies that seem to contradict one another.  The thought that no one has the power to cause us pain by criticizing us unless we let them and the other thought that our own words have the power to build or destroy.  These are contradictory to me because it's a play on the locus on control.  We either have the internal fortitude to shrug off negativity or we believe we have the power to alter someone's entire world with our utterances.  Is it in us or not?  Is it in them or not?  Is the struggle internal or external?  Are we our own hero or do we succumb to the antagonists of the world?  Maybe what's really most important is not whether others have some impact on our journey, but that to achieve a purposeful life we need to positively impact others.

"Doing nothing for others is the undoing of ourselves." ~ Horace Mann 

My point of this thought is this: I believe there is no greater human experience than cheering for someone else to succeed.  I believe in great personal experiences, but to be human means to participate in humanity, and I believe we have an innate necessity to participate in the human achievement.  The voices spewing doubt in our heads, or outside our heads, are bullshit, and we all know that.  But the voices singing our praise are real, and we need to remember that.

I've been focusing my attention on the concept of vulnerability for a bit now.  The goal, any goal, of achievement is laying yourself on the line.  It's literally stepping forward to take on more.  It's a show of willingness to try and fail more than anything else.  As witnesses to this brave step forward we should have no other reaction that honest encouragement.

"I want to treat all of life like an Ironman finishing chute: on my feet, tears of joy in my eyes, fully engaged and cheering at the top of my lungs for those around me to succeed." ~ me

The Olympics are a fantastic demonstration of our willingness to support our fellow (wo)man.  But why should that support be any different than the support we give our training buddies, friends, neighbors, acquaintances or even perfect strangers?  I find incredible inspiration from the people I find and follow on Instagram.  Your journey is amazing and you are amazing.  Remember that.

The next time you scroll across someone's Instagram feed and see a photo of their alarm set for 4:00am with some sort of motivational message, or see a photo of their three hour trainer ride, or read some comment about how cold the pool is at 5:00am, remember they have faced the same doubts and challenges you do.  The difference is that they chose not to listen to the doubt, nor the critics.  They chose to put themselves on the line and share their journey.  That locus of control lives within them.  This is their journey so our only hope is that they hear our cheers just enough to push a little harder, hang on a little longer and reach a little farther.

Learning New Words

Social media is really a fascinating creature.  In one respect I've felt incredibly connected to people I have never met face-to-face yet with whom I share common interests, and in another I have never been more appalled at the sickening disrespect some people show from behind the keyboard.  That's life though, really.  Some people share triumphs and others share pain.  Some share positivity and others share dribble.  I choose to seek out and follow positivity and inspiration on social media...and in life.  I've found that life and even social media are teaching me things.  I'm learning new words.

"The words we say to ourselves can serve as elixir or venom, and only we can decide which.  Can you imagine a greater gift or a greater responsibility?" ~ Jason Huntsinger

I have always considered myself to be a positive and productive person.  I've accomplished some great things in my life and remained hopeful.  But my frame of reference has, in hindsight, been fairly narrow.  I've never travelled the world.  I've only been out of the United States twice barely outside the borders to the north and south.  Social media has broadened my perspective and the authors of the information and thoughts I follow inspire me.  I've seen photos of the most amazing places from points of view that were previously unimaginable.  I've read stories from fellow athletes about epic
adventures and races.  I've followed individuals through weight loss and watched them accomplish goals.  It's so utterly amazing and inspiring.

"The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled." ~ Plutarch 

I recall during my undergraduate studies reading a synopsis of Thomas Friedman's The World is Flat thinking how incredible it was to think school age kids in far-off lands had access to the same information highway that I did.  I was, again, narrowly focusing.  As if everyone in the world wanted to see what I could see and access the information that I could access.  I am now the one seeking to understand the beauty that so many of you live for and dream about.  What does it really feel like to stand on the face of a sheer cliff and look out at the sunrise?  How about swimming with turtles off the coast of Costa Rica?  What about envisioning a dream for yourself to win a race and then actually fulfilling that dream?  Simply amazing experiences that I can see through social media.  I'm learning new words through these experiences; Words I either failed to understand or failed to learn in all my 45 years on this earth.   These are some of the new words I've learned from you.

• Inspiration:  The many athletes who have achieved some goal or milestone and then share their recipe for success.  I've seen your struggles and read your ups and downs, and when you overcame the bumps in the road you inspired me to keep going, too.
• Dedication:  So many people rest in comfort zones because they are comfortable.  Yet, those of you who push yourselves to the next level of physical and mental toughness do so by dedicating yourself to your plan.  I get it. 
• Happiness:  Not one single person who has accomplished a goal as documented on social media has done so in a state of sadness or despair.  The motion of defining a goal and crafting a lifestyle to accomplish that goal begets happiness.  I see what it looks like to be happy in your faces.
• Compassion:  So many people I follow choose to devote part of themselves to some greater cause: challenged athletes, disabled veterans, orphaned children and animals just to name a few.  Life is bigger than me and now, and you continue to show me what it means to give of yourself. 
• Love:  This is more than the flippant phrase we throw around to describe how much we like a shirt.  I've seen people demonstrating unconditional love for others and themselves.  We are all dealing with our own struggles in life and social media has broadened my understanding of what it looks like to love one another.
• Success:  This is one topic I've found to be so arbitrary because it's completely subjective.  But that subjectivity is its beauty.  Whether you set the bar here or there, reaching your goal and realizing the effects of that accomplishment are truly successes.

"Good people bring out the good in people."

Social media gets a bum rap, I believe.  While some people enjoy sharing the adventures they encounter others may scoff at their perceived insecurity and need for attention.  Yet social media, like many things in this world, are exactly what we make of it.  If we choose to see the ugly in it we should not be surprised when it appears.  However, when we choose to see it as an opportunity to connect with people we see as mentors and examples of good we will not be disappointed when we begin to grow as people...and learn new words.

What Do You See?

I just finished watching this video from a diversity coach named Jane Elliot.  Around ten minutes into the video she brought a tall black man, named Russell, to the front of the class and asked him whether his height, gender and skin color were important.  He replied yes to all three.  She then told the class, in summary, that in our attempt to not focus on any particular aspect of Russell we diminish what he finds important in identifying himself.

That got me thinking about the reality of what we see.  What characteristics of your true self do you display to the world?  Suffice it to say we advertise what we want the world to see and play down what we don't.  I previously posted a blog on expectations in which I ended with this quote:

"When you look at someone you see what you expect to see: good or bad.  Therefore, always look for the vein of goodness because it's there.  Expect it and it appears." ~ Jason Huntsinger

How many times do we pass someone on the street or in a store, or simply listen to what other's say and form a quick opinion?  I'm afraid we judge people by what we see or hear in that instant, rather than evaluate the content of their being.  I'm guilty of it.  I'm not saying we form a hatred or bias necessarily, but with the number of people we could interact with in a single day and obviously choose not to, it seems rather impossible not to make a quick judgment and ignore someone.

My point here is we should never forget that people are far more than just what we see...as are we.  We should focus on the differences between us because that is where the real beauty of life is.  We all have a journey to take and possess inherent value.  People's lives are stories being continually written.  You would never grab a book and discard it simply because of its cover or open to the middle, read a single paragraph and form an opinion of the entire book.  So why do we do that to people?

I am a work in progress.  I am one of life's great tragedies at the same time I am one of life's great accomplishments.

"I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see." ~ Douglas Pagels

Life is a painful and exhilarating odyssey that we may at times believe incapable to perfect and at others impossible to improve.  People fall.  Falling is the easy part.  But people also possess a natural motivation to get back to their feet and try again, see the sun rise and welcome a new day, feel or show true love and make someone smile.

If you see someone in his or her moment of personal hardship please don't write them off.  Rather, understand that the depth of a person is far beneath their clothes or skin, and expect to see something magical inside them.  Relish in the friendships of individuals on their own journeys rather than the homogeneous anonymity of masses.  Surround yourself with people who see you for all that you are, and celebrate your similarities and differences.  Simply be you while allowing others to be them, and together let's be us.

"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary." ~ Oscar Wilde

Networking Outside the Network

How many of us believe we are masters at networking in the workplace, but disappear into the shadows when we're off stage and change out of our work clothes?  Admittedly, I am...at least I admit to the latter part of that.  As I've posted before, networking is all about relationships.  Business or not, it is about interpersonal relationships.  It's about getting to know someone and talking to them in terms they appreciate and find interest in.

"The difference between appreciation and flattery?  That is simple.  One is sincere and the other is insincere.  One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out.  One is unselfish; the other selfish.  One is universally admired; the other universally condemned." ~ Dale Carnegie

The principles of networking work outside the network, and it starts with a sincere and genuine interest in someone.  Let me tell you about a friend I met who exudes this idea.  His name is Ironman Dave.  That's how I will always know him anyway.  We met through a social media app and found a common interest in triathlon.  I soon learned IM Dave had an apparent zest for life.  His trademark smile and "rock on" pose adorned several pictures on this social media app.  From several hundred miles away his energy shone through.

I was fortunate enough to meet Dave in person in Arizona during Ironman Arizona.  His smile made the trip with him.  He had organized a breakfast meet-and-greet for several people on this social media app.  When Dave talks to you he looks at you, asks questions and acknowledges your responses.  Dave knows how to network.

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." ~ Dale Carnegie

A few instances since have demonstrated the type of man Dave is.  Posts of encouragement from the bedside of a friend in the hospital, messages leading up to and during my first half-Ironman race, and simply wearing a shirt I gave him while heading to Europe.

Why is this important?  Because this is true networking.  Dave is a superior athlete to me, has completed more races and is a more successful businessman.  But, this is about developing and advancing an interpersonal relationship, not connecting with someone for what they can provide you.  You simply cannot network in or out of the network if your intentions are disingenuous.

I guarantee that if you practice networking in real life with real friends, the workplace show will only come that much easier and genuine.