Patience, My Friend, Patience

I'll just come out and say it: I lack patience. I become impatient and frustrated when there just isn't enough time in the day, or days in my life. The same optimistic mindset telling me there are 1,440 moments in a single day to create good also tells me there are only 1,440 moments in this day to accomplish everything I want to do.  Neither my drive nor my desire are my limitations; it's the fact that there are infinite possibilities in a finite day.

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet." ~ Aristotle

I almost can't even say it convincingly to myself but I may be getting close to the halfway point in my life. With so many items on my to-do list of life, how do I even begin to whittle the possibilities down into actionable choices? I've spent the last few years feeling as if I've been back at the starting line waiting to gain traction. I'm missing out on opportunities to enjoy this because I'm trying to get to that. It's really a sensitive balance, it seems. I work to enjoy my current situation while still seeking opportunities to improve that situation. I feel that's an important desire to maintain throughout my life: improvement.

In my mind, improvement is growth. I'm beginning to finally understand that improvement is not an unhappiness with the current situation, rather it's a desire to make something good even better. Not understanding this has been part of my restlessness. I tended to focus on the next step rather than enjoying the moment. My ignorance of the present and farsightedness breeds impatience and worry. I'm spent much of my adult life worrying whether I'd get there.

Have I really spent precious time in my life pining for something more? How many days have I lost pining for something intangible? Happiness. Security. Acceptance. Power. I celebrated my 43rd birthday recently and one phrase comes to mind:

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." ~ Douglas Adams

In hindsight, my life's road map perhaps seems more like a blind scavenger hunt full of ups and downs, turns and roadblocks, celebration and misery, success and failure. My impatience to reach the next point has been wasted effort and, again in hindsight, pointless. I am capable of being in just one place at a time and that place is always right here: the present. The only step I can be sure of is the one I'm taking now.

A new calendar year is approaching and a new year in my life is upon me already. So, I vow to be more patient. I vow to enjoy the moment, smell the roses, take in the sights and just find peace. If I can't find peace in this immediate moment how in the world can I expect to find such peace in the next? Forty-three years have shown me that I can't. Patience, my friend, patience...the moments will come as they should and when they should.

"Life is a gift. Don't forget to say thank you." ~ Jason Huntsinger 

Risk

I recently read a short post by Seth Godin in which he asked, "How deep is the water?"  The point is if it's too deep to stand, does it really matter?  My short answer is yes.  My long answer is...

There is a learned trait in most of us: the ability to calculate risk.  Very small children don't necessarily have this internal safety net or at least they use a far less complicated calculator.  As a toddler, I lacked the ability to judge height while standing on the coffee table (that choice is perhaps for another discussion) and promptly took one step off into a perfect face plant.  We slowly begin to learn the consequence for failure.

So, on to my long answer to Mr. Godin's post, it does matter how deep the water is to a certain degree.  Think about the differences in these activities. Walk heel-to-toe across a balance beam that is six inches from the ground versus walking that same balance beam 600 feet from the ground.  Swim in the deep end of an eight-foot pool versus swimming in the middle of the ocean.  We calculate risk based on our perception of an escape plan and the perceived consequences.  Can I step off this beam if needed or can I get to the side of the pool?

There are certainly degrees of consideration between my extreme examples but at some point we draw the line for ourselves.  Walking a balance beam 600 feet above the ground is insane, unless of course you had a safety harness.  What about six feet off the ground?  Or 16 feet?  Swimming in the ocean conjures up all kinds of fears for me but what about a pool that is 20 feet deep or even a lake that is far too deep for me to descend and touch bottom?  We all have that line.

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." ~ Neale Donald Walsch

That is the point to this all.  Calculating risk is a learned behavior but it most certainly matters how deep the water is...based on your ability to calculate the risk and find an exit strategy.  It is possible to accomplish feats we never imagined possible but it requires an ability as well as a desire to let go a bit.

The most effective way to accomplish this is to identify the goal or task you wish to tackle and then work your way back to determine what is necessary to get there.  Reversing this process--that is taking your current state and trying to determine what steps to take to get to your goal--often leaves us feeling overwhelmed and unsure of our ability.  It's alright to be scared but challenge that fear and learn to calculate a new risk.

"If visualizing your goal doesn't evoke an excited panic, it's likely not the right goal." ~ Jason Huntsinger

Life is Lived in the Details

I've recently found myself lost in the thought of the macro and micro views of life.  The macro view is how we typically measure our lives: in days, weeks, months, years, decades and even a lifetime.  The macro point of view is where life is spent.  We use this reference to more easily categorize events.

The micro view, on the other hand, is what happens around us in those moments.  It's in these moments that I believe life is really lived, not just spent.  It's in the details.  Life is lived in the details.

"Don't count the things you do; do the things that count." ~ Zig Ziglar

When you meet someone who lives with a micro point of view, paying attention the micro moments, it's obvious because it manifests itself in their enthusiasm for what others see as the ordinary.  They tend to laugh louder, smile bigger, hug harder and love more passionately.  They live their lives with a unique appreciation.  I've come to admire this perspective and I find myself striving to live this way.  I want to pause for moments throughout the day and just absorb it all.  The sound of my daughter's voice, the way my son smiles, the touch of my girlfriend's hand on my arm.  Every sense is a portal to micro moments of life if we just take a moment to pay attention.

"If there's one thing I learned, it's that nobody is here forever. You have to live for the moment, each and every day...the here, the now." ~ Simone Elkeles

The point here is that I believe we forget about the micro.  We get caught up in life and begin to take it all for granted.  All the beautiful stimuli of the world pass by us and we don't stop to notice.  As a result we look back with a macro perspective and recall blocks of time, rather than specific moments.  Think about the times you've recalled specific moments: Do you remember how your mom laughed so hard that time she couldn't stop? That is a micro moment.

Now imagine if you took the time to celebrate those micro moments every day.  What if you stopped while walking to work one day and noticed the formation of birds flying overhead in nomadic purposeful unison?  What if you closed your eyes at the park one day and caught the sound of that family laughing hysterically?  How amazing would your days become?

"She worked her toes into the sand, feeling the tiny delicious pain of the friction of tiny chips of silicon against the tender flesh between her toes. That's life. It hurts, it's dirty, and it feels very, very good." ~ Orson Scott Card

The really amazing part about this concept is that it is never too late to begin.  If you possess any of your five senses then you're capable of living in the micro.  Why would you delay any longer?  Life is lived in the details...all you have to do is pay attention.

Using the F-word as a Stepping Stone

Whether on a macro- or micro-scale, we all fall short in our attempts to reach our goals or reach greatness, whatever that may be.  In those attempts, and re-attempts, it sometimes just seems too hard, or it doesn't make sense, or it makes you want to quit.  It's precisely at those moments that we must not stop.  Failure, the F-word, is a stepping stone.

"One of the greatest tragedies of personal growth is quitting.  If you take stock now you may find the odds stacked against you, but tomorrow is a new day.  Remember, opportunity knocks just once and you are always just one chance away from greatness.  So, stay in the game and answer the damn door." ~ Jason Huntsinger

I've learned through my own failures there are three traits that will facilitate you in overcoming failure and rediscovering your greatness: reflection, persistence and resilience.  This combination is what makes it possible to move past failure.  But, it's a process.  Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon you will get back to that level of greatness you always imagined if you stick with it and use failure as a stepping stone.  Trust me...it will happen.

Reflection
This is the first trait because we must have the ability to learn from the failure.  This is the greatest learning opportunity you will ever have so look at it and dig around.  Find the cause and effect.  Map it out and really understand it so you see the route you took.  Don't waste time regretting, that is purely emotional, rather spend the time trying to understand.

"Failure is instructive. The person who really thinks learns quite as much from his failures as from his successes." ~ John Dewey

Persistence
I love the idea of this word: an obstinate continuance in a course of action.  Failure can make us feel like someone has taken away our ability to succeed.  Who's permission do we need to be successful or happy?  Only our own.  Reflect on the twists and turns along the way that brought you here and then get back on track.  Carry on; you don't need permission!!

"Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm." ~ Winston Churchill

Resilience
In many ways I feel this is the most important trait.  You've got to bounce back.  It's this elasticity factor that enables you to get up, look back and shake it off.  Without resilience you would simply let the world crush you.  I'm not talking about simple mediocrity...I'm talking about physically collapsing under the weight of the world. But, that won't happen. We are all here for a purpose, so find yours and go after it with every ounce you can muster.  Stumble and regain your footing.  Fall and get up.  Get knocked down and fight back to your feet.  This is your life and you get one chance at it.  Greatness is not found in the past, it's before you waiting to be discovered.

"The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out.  The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.  Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough.  They're there to stop the other people." ~ Randy Pausch

Another Classic Battle

Looking back through history there have been several classic battles: David and Goliath, Hatfields and McCoys, good and evil.  Another has been waging in me for a while, too.  It's the battle of dreams and responsibilities.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I've reached a point in my life, in both age and satisfaction, in which I feel the need to hit the reset button and create the life I want.  But in the course of 42 years I've accumulated some responsibilities.  Responsibilities are the results of previous decisions.  I've struggled the last few years thinking about this battle, allowing each side to wage a war inside my head, catapulting reasons, justifications and excuses back and forth.  It's been exhausting.

As I mentioned previously in my evolution of change, this process involved much deliberation and rumination, and still I find myself questioning my decision.  I believe this stems from the feeling I'm shrugging off some of my responsibilities.  In every decision there are corollary ramifications and I'm not sure any decision can be made without there being some negative effects.  That's the whole point of a decision, right?  It's a choice between two or more options, each with their own gains and losses.  I know this seems obvious, but in my thought process I need to break it down.

"Don't you find it odd that when you're a kid, everyone, all the world, encourages you to follow your dreams. But when you're older, somehow they act offended if you even try." ~ Ethan Hawke

Decisions like this come down to placing some value on the future, although this seems to require the ability to be a fortune teller.  For me, one decision satisfies the moment but the future is potentially bleak, whereas the other decision has a clearly visible and beneficial future.  Nonetheless, responsibilities.  That word pounds in my head with each syllable like a bowling ball falling onto concrete.  Then I realized something: when I felt stuck and failed to look at the big picture I turned the idea of responsibilities into limitations.  Responsibilities are not barriers nor limitations nor consequences.  Responsibilities are the fruit of our past.  Viewing them as limitations is akin to regretting a moment from your past and there is no value in that.

"The only limit is the one you set yourself."

It has taken me some time to see the truth in this.  I believe where there is a will there is a way.  When I looked at the responsibilities in my life as reasons I could not pursue an opportunity I gave up.  They became limitations because I stopped searching for a resolution.  But, there is always a resolution to some degree.  Perhaps not the first one our mind paints for us, but there are always resolutions to a dilemma.

The first step in finding this resolution is to make peace with the responsibilities--again, the fruit of our past decisions.  Embrace them.  At one point in the past we engaged in a similar decision-making process and this seemed like the best option, so embrace it.  Now, let's stop looking at this as an all-or-nothing situation and open our minds to options and possibilities.

"Every time you discuss the future, grammatically you're forced to cleave that from the present and treat it as if it's something viscerally different." ~ Keith Chen

Our mind can be our greatest ally, or our greatest enemy.  This battle of dreams and responsibilities is all in my head and it's as big a war as I make it out to be.  Yes, the only limit is the one you set yourself.  And, likewise, the only resolution is the one you create yourself.

My Change Evolution

You'll have to forgive me if the topic of change is becoming redundant or a bore, but things are happening for me and I'm inclined to share and reflect. For the first time in my life I had the beginnings of a panic attack. The topic, in a nutshell, was change.  It is actually quite a bit more involved than that; nonetheless, change was the inspiration for my tachycardia and breathlessness.  I feel I've been on the brink of change for some time now but it suddenly got real.

"All the concepts about stepping out of your comfort zone mean nothing until you decide that your essential purpose, vision and goals are more important than your self-imposed limitations." ~ Robert White

In my case my goals are quite lofty yet I feel the platform for such success and prosperity is not present in my current environment. As a result, I'm taking a huge step, rather a leap, towards meeting my goals and it is entirely outside my comfort zone. I'm moving to another state, leaving family behind, leaving a business behind and leaving my business partner and best friend behind. Life is about to change.

Change is not a single act; it's a process that must be managed. The changes imminent in my life have evolved from ideas to decisions to action, and my investment in my goals has evolved as well.  Every time I think I'm facing the toughest phase in this process the next phase comes and I realize the deeper I get into this evolution the tougher it gets. Each phase takes time and serious deliberation.

The first phase, idea generation was a "weeding out" process in which I filtered through all the possibilities. From here I narrowed the list to plausible options and began the decision phase. Truth be told, I really struggled with this phase. Perhaps that was part of my sluggishness. It's the classic pros/cons debate with a mixing of what-if rumination. It's really a valuation of my goals in relation to my current state, which is not all bad. Once I got through this stage, made a decision and began to develop confidence in my decision, the final step--action--is proving to be the most impactful step of all; hence the term leap. It's this leap that takes me out of my comfort zone. Ruminating was actually safe because it happened within my mind.

"One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time." ~ Andre Gide   

Looking back at panic's invasion of my body, I can pinpoint exactly what was going through my mind when it happened.  I was looking at the other side of my valuation list; the things I will go without. Often I would focus on the positive opportunities and negative consequences of a decision, but rarely do I look at the flip side, or what's positive in the present.  I've already moved past the decision phase and made peace with my decision but I doubted myself just long enough to allow my focus to shift to life inside my comfort zone. It's peaceful and predictable there. My vision of the future became clouded by everything good in the present and my fear manifested itself into a temporary re-valuation of my goals.

"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt." ~ William Shakespeare

The point to all of this is that change is an evolution of steps requiring progressively deeper mental commitment, courage and focus. As I write this post my anxiety has subsided (for now) and I am nine days from embarking on my journey.  Real change, the kind that changes your life, is not something to take lightly and as much as I can sit here and assert the need to take action, the truth of the matter is that it's unnerving. Had I not taken this process as an evolution of my options and thoughts I could not have developed nor had faith in my process. I would have crumbled long ago and spent the near future with my head hanging low from defeat unable to see my dreams.  Dreams exist in the clouds of possibility high above our heads, not in the soil trampled beneath our feet.

Today my resting heart rate was 48 beats per minute. I found my peace again.

  

Finding My Peace

Many of my posts focus on action.  It's a common theme and a topic of much contemplation for me.  I recently likened by self-proclaimed disposition for action to a race car revving its engine at the starting line.  It's all pomp and show until you release the brakes and go.  Sadly, at times I feel I have many hours on my engine but few actual miles on the tires.

What I've learned about myself is I felt no peace.  I felt angst and anxiety about decisions that I had to make and it paralyzed me in a way.  But then three separate and completely unrelated things happened recently that brought this flawed mindset to light for me.  Perhaps, no scratch that, I know for a fact the problem stems from my control issues.  I will struggle with an idea until it fits nicely into the compartment I believe it should fit in.  How's this for a realization: I create my own antithesis to peace with my control issues.

"You have peace," the old woman said, "when you make it with yourself." ~ Mitch Albom 

Surrendering to some decisions in my life almost feels like passivity. Ahhhh! But really I'm beginning to understand that it's more about accepting my decisions than just accepting whatever life brings me.  I can find peace in past decisions when I accept that each and every one helped me reach this moment and I wouldn't change that for the world.  Have some of them been harder than others?  Absolutely.  The trials and tribulations of my 42 years have taught me where my weaknesses lie, but also where strengths abound.  I find peace with that.

Having this peace of mind--no regrets--helps me find some clarity in the decisions I must make today, too.  I simply cannot have the "best of both worlds" in every decision I make.  Some decisions ultimately may not turn out to be the best but if I have faith in my decision-making process and confidence in the decisions I reach, that's really all I can ask for.  I find peace with that as well.

"A quiet conscience makes one strong!" ~ Helen Keller

Think about what I've said here: I have no regrets about the past and I am confident in my present decision-making process.  This mindset opens the door to a feeling of freedom about the future, and it strips away the power my fear and anxiety have over me.  This all makes me believe that I am exactly where I belong and headed right where I need to be...and I could not be more at peace.