My Change Evolution

You'll have to forgive me if the topic of change is becoming redundant or a bore, but things are happening for me and I'm inclined to share and reflect. For the first time in my life I had the beginnings of a panic attack. The topic, in a nutshell, was change.  It is actually quite a bit more involved than that; nonetheless, change was the inspiration for my tachycardia and breathlessness.  I feel I've been on the brink of change for some time now but it suddenly got real.

"All the concepts about stepping out of your comfort zone mean nothing until you decide that your essential purpose, vision and goals are more important than your self-imposed limitations." ~ Robert White

In my case my goals are quite lofty yet I feel the platform for such success and prosperity is not present in my current environment. As a result, I'm taking a huge step, rather a leap, towards meeting my goals and it is entirely outside my comfort zone. I'm moving to another state, leaving family behind, leaving a business behind and leaving my business partner and best friend behind. Life is about to change.

Change is not a single act; it's a process that must be managed. The changes imminent in my life have evolved from ideas to decisions to action, and my investment in my goals has evolved as well.  Every time I think I'm facing the toughest phase in this process the next phase comes and I realize the deeper I get into this evolution the tougher it gets. Each phase takes time and serious deliberation.

The first phase, idea generation was a "weeding out" process in which I filtered through all the possibilities. From here I narrowed the list to plausible options and began the decision phase. Truth be told, I really struggled with this phase. Perhaps that was part of my sluggishness. It's the classic pros/cons debate with a mixing of what-if rumination. It's really a valuation of my goals in relation to my current state, which is not all bad. Once I got through this stage, made a decision and began to develop confidence in my decision, the final step--action--is proving to be the most impactful step of all; hence the term leap. It's this leap that takes me out of my comfort zone. Ruminating was actually safe because it happened within my mind.

"One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time." ~ Andre Gide   

Looking back at panic's invasion of my body, I can pinpoint exactly what was going through my mind when it happened.  I was looking at the other side of my valuation list; the things I will go without. Often I would focus on the positive opportunities and negative consequences of a decision, but rarely do I look at the flip side, or what's positive in the present.  I've already moved past the decision phase and made peace with my decision but I doubted myself just long enough to allow my focus to shift to life inside my comfort zone. It's peaceful and predictable there. My vision of the future became clouded by everything good in the present and my fear manifested itself into a temporary re-valuation of my goals.

"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt." ~ William Shakespeare

The point to all of this is that change is an evolution of steps requiring progressively deeper mental commitment, courage and focus. As I write this post my anxiety has subsided (for now) and I am nine days from embarking on my journey.  Real change, the kind that changes your life, is not something to take lightly and as much as I can sit here and assert the need to take action, the truth of the matter is that it's unnerving. Had I not taken this process as an evolution of my options and thoughts I could not have developed nor had faith in my process. I would have crumbled long ago and spent the near future with my head hanging low from defeat unable to see my dreams.  Dreams exist in the clouds of possibility high above our heads, not in the soil trampled beneath our feet.

Today my resting heart rate was 48 beats per minute. I found my peace again.