Making Amends

"It's not a person's mistakes which define them - it's the way they make amends." ~ Freya North

Do you remember as a child throwing a ball indoors or hitting a rock with a bat and the moment it began its trajectory who just knew it was bad?  But you watched it travel directly into the vase on the mantel or through the neighbors window horrified at what you had just done.  There was no taking it back once it began its journey.

The same is true of our choices as adults.  We get angry at work and say something hurtful.  We feel the pressure of work and take it home to bark at our families or loved ones.  We succumb to the stress and angst from any given element in our lives.  Think about all of the pressures we face day-to-day, or all of the choices we meet through the day.

They are all either opportunities to take a step towards success, or in some cases, launch yourself in the wrong direction.  At some point you may cross the line and there is no going back.  Whether you say something terribly inappropriate or hurtful, or make a choice that will destroy what you've built, you've damaged a relationship or your reputation.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~ Maya Angelou

There is no doubt people will take offense to a misstep or mistake and there is just one thing to do to fix the situation: make amends.  This is much harder to do in some cases but necessary nonetheless.  Part of the resolution may simply be to slowly and consistently rebuild the connection and character you once had.  It will never be the same and that's just the way it goes.  But try anyway!

There are a few steps I've learned in order to make amends:

1. Acknowledge: The first is to acknowledge the incident.  Sweeping it under the rug and moving on is not a viable option.  Acknowledge your behavior with complete contrition and without excuse.  A powerful phrase, when heartfelt, is "I'm sorry."
2. Identify:  Whether your actions were directly or indirectly harmful to someone you need to identify your motivation behind the action.  Did you snap on a co-worker because you really harbor some ill feelings you've managed to keep jarred up for two years?  Do you struggle with some self-destructive habits that cloud your judgment and decision-making?  Whatever it is identify it and craft a process to fix it.
3. Be accountable:  This is different than acknowledging your action.  This is about letting someone know what you found in step 2.  Does your drinking cause this behavior?  Does your inability or unwillingness to communicate effectively at work create a festering of emotion?  Talk to a mentor or confidante and hold yourself accountable for fixing this.
4. Initiate:  This is the slowest part of the process and you simply must be patient.  Everything can be demolished in a fraction of the time it takes to build it.  In most cases this is a matter of trust and trust must always be earned with repetition and consistency.  Be true to your plan.

Here is a one more vital part of this process: you must identify who was actually harmed in this process and focus your attention on them.  Even if your mistake was self-destructive there is some collateral consequence.  Always.  Someone trusted you or counted on you and that relationship is now damaged.  You may also notice someone was offended or upset but not actually affected by your infelicity.  And in some cases this person may become your loudest critic.  Do not waste your time trying to please them.  It's just as important to make amends to the right person as it is to move on and free yourself from the critics.

"Living life in the straight and narrow is often easier said than done.  As such, making amends and rebuilding your character are necessary traits to master in this life.  Focus on the people who matter: the ones capable of seeing your entire journey rather than just how far off the line your foot slipped." ~ Jason Huntsinger

The List

I like to make lists.  Somewhat.  I don't enjoy actually writing the list out on a piece of paper or the nearest junk mail envelope.  Rather, I make mental lists of things I'd like to accomplish today, tomorrow, next week, next month, etc.  To me making a list is the manner in which I scroll through my thoughts to prioritize what really matters to me.  

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." ~ Soren Kierkeaard

Then I got to thinking.  I've made mistakes in my past (as we all have to some degree) and it can be easy in times of idleness or difficulty to think back and pine for the greatness I once had.  Make no mistake, I have a very carefully crafted list in my head at this exact moment and I know what I want for my future, but I just can't help to think I drifted off track.  My long term list includes activities that will allow me to continue to grow as a person, be happy and successful again.

But why do I need a list to get there?  Making a list requires, in part, a retrospective assessment and consideration of the options ahead.  It's a filtering mechanism derived from our experiences, hopes and desires.  Think about this for a moment: make a very short list of things you'd like to try or places you'd like to visit.  For example, when you created this list about places you'd like to visit you likely began thinking of places you've either previously visited or read/heard about.  Even if you sat in front of a globe, spun it on its axis and stopped it with your finger in a random spot, your mind immediately scrolled through memories to recall what you knew of Istanbul. 

"What's past is prologue." ~ William Shakespeare

No matter where you are in your journey through life create that list for yourself: the list of what you want or desire in the days ahead.  This has nothing to do with being unhappy or ungrateful with your current position; you can be completely happy and still want more for yourself.  It's about understanding that taking the time to create your list is essentially appreciating your past and realizing that every single moment has had a purpose.  Were it not for the past you would have no clue what you want.  Understand that every rise and fall, laugh and cry, moment of exhilaration and trepidation have become the recipe for you to create this list, and only then can you truly be grateful for the past and the present.

"There are two beautiful aspects of getting older: we have more days behind us to better understand what we truly want and a greater appreciation for the days ahead to make it happen." ~ Jason Huntsinger

 

Look Ahead: Glance Behind

"Study the past if you would define the future." ~ Confucious

I've endured much in the way of change these last several years.  The lion's share has come from my own choices, both good and bad...but not all of it.  My life has literally been upended and thrown in a new direction, a couple times actually.  I've survived.  

In my own experiences I've tended to welcome change, even precipitate it, but sometimes I find myself checking my current status by looking back and comparing to what I once was or once had.  I have less in the way of stuff than I did ten years ago but I'm in a better state of mind than ever before.  So, being an optimist at heart I try to refocus my thoughts towards the type of forward-moving enthusiasm that precedes change like a red carpet precedes the famous.

Why do I try to compare?  Now to then.  This to that.  Mostly because I am dissatisfied with some of my past choices.  Don't get me wrong, I'm also very happy with many choices and proud of my accomplishments, but it's those poor choices that sting.  I agree that there is little value in painting the past with regret.  That is such an invaluable emotion, really: regret.  Perhaps looking back is not so much regret as it is an analysis.  Maybe it's actually the manner in which I look back on the past that creates a reflective burden of regret and deprives me of making peace with it.  I cannot change the past, I get that, but in analyzing the past I have some say in preventing it from repeating itself.  

"There's a reason the car's windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror."

I've enjoyed this quote periodically but I have always read it with the focus on the windshield as a massive portal to view what's ahead.  I've ignored the rearview mirror reference altogether.  Consider this, there is in fact a rearview mirror.  There is in fact a need to check the past.  There is in fact a sense of reassurance in taking a periodic glance behind you.  In some cases, there is in fact true value in watching the past become the past.  We can never change our memories and may always use the past as a reference point.  That's perfectly acceptable.  What's important is where you go from here.

This driving analogy is useful.  We use our mirrors frequently to make sure changes in direction are safe.  We don't drive forward by fixing our gaze solely on the images we see leaving us in the rearview mirror.  Our primary focus is through the front windshield: even if it's cracked and pitted from miles of rough roads.  It's our portal to what's ahead.  Nonetheless, we glance back and assess, but then look forward again.  Key word here: assess.

"You don't know where you're going if you don't know where you've been."

We learn from our past by assessing our choices and results.  Hindsight is 20/20 because we have both the factors for the decision and the consequences of the choice.  In order to reach the opportunities ahead--the ones visible through that big beautiful windshield--we constantly assess and reassess the journey to where we want to be.  

So, what now?  My answer is unwritten.  But, I can say one thing with absolute certainty: I will continue to move forward, embrace change and check my rearview to ensure the change is positive.

"Because my life isn't going to wait around while I figure out how to make it work." ~ Susane Colasanti   

Fear is the first enemy...

"Fear is the first enemy of love."

I posted a blog in December 2012 that began just this way. I remember the first time I read a variation of this quote and kind of getting offended by it. For some reason I just couldn't wrap my mind around the concept. Here I am over a year later and that phrase popped back into my head. Fear really is the first enemy of love...as well as a plethora of life's other great experiences.

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." ~ George Bernard Shaw 

At some point in our lives--perhaps even several points--we find a need to stop and reassess. Are we just plugging through our days going with the flow of the masses? Worse yet, are we directionless trying to find the meaning of it all?  Or are we truly creating the live that we want. Because it's not just about creating the life we want, it's about creating the person we want to be. It's defining ME.

Our dreams, desires, designs and decisions work in concert to create who we are. At any step in the process it may just stop from fear. What is it that you dream about daily and desire with every breath? Name just one desire that you have not designed into your life and made decisions to achieve. Is fear the reason for a break in the process? Fear of taking a chance? Of failure? Of getting hurt? Of being told no?

When we begin to turn our desires into designs for creating ourselves often fear is the preeminent detracting element. It requires us to do something different and that's scary. It shakes up the status quo of our existence. It shakes up what we think we already know to be true. Fear is the first enemy. It's the enemy of love, adventure, success, triumph, goals and ultimately creating ourselves.

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" ~ Robert H. Schuller

Fear is our conscience trying to keep us in check. It helps to prevent pain, suffering and disappointment. It's much easier to maintain the status quo, right? Think back to the top of this blog and remember why we're even in this process. We are in the throws of creating ourselves. The canvas is blank and we're afraid of the color choice.

Fear is indeed the first enemy of any amazing emotion we can experience in this life. If it were easy it would not likely be worth the effort. But despite all the fear and doubt, I believe it is absolutely worth every moment of effort to create yourself. It's worth it to experience true love, outrageous adventure, remarkable success, personal triumph and the highest goals. If you don't do this for yourself then who will?

"One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time." ~ Andre Gide

Expectations

Many years ago when I began my first career, I was told by a senior co-worker one of the most important things I can do is become a "good hand."  He explained that to be the type of person others know they can count on without question and someone who contributes to the shared goal.  In other words, a reliable team player.  I worked hard to become just that, to contribute my share of the team's effort and in doing so I began to create expectations for myself and others.

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed." ~ Alexander Pope

First of all, I don't buy into the concept of this quote.  I think it is a wonderful reminder to check yourself and perhaps discover the root of some frustrations, but ultimately I don't think it's really practical to jettison all expectations.  An expectation is merely a belief that someone will do something or something will happen: good or bad.  The detriment of having expectations is the risk of disappointment, but the benefit is the mindset of belief.  Belief is the active ingredient in confidence (seriously, check the label).

I believe setting goals is really a series of well-planned expectations.  Take my passion for triathlon for example.  I have a dream (don't laugh) to become a professional triathlete.  A baseless and ill-planned expectation is that since I'm tall I will likely be a naturally fast swimmer, cyclist and runner.  However, if I begin to design a path to excellence setting attainable goals based on training expectations I could very well find myself on the podium one day which I expect would help me reach my pro status.

That seems pretty straightforward when dealing with ourselves.  We can all handle setting and maybe not reaching our own expectations.  But what about when we set expectations for others?  That, too, is a necessary element of any team or a partnership.  Each person has a role in the partnership and in the effort, and without it there would be no partnership.

So how do we join forces with the people who we expect to uphold their part of the effort?  You see, expectations are not a bad thing.  When you hire a manager you expect him or her to comply with the company's standards and work to meet the company's objectives.  Before you hire that manager you interview him or her.  Before that you screen the applicants.  Before that you define the expectations. The same is true in any partnership: work, sports or love.  In sports you expect the teammate to cover the responsibilities of the position.  The goalkeeper must keep the ball from entering the goal so the position is assigned based on the most capable team member.  In love it's the same thing.  You have a vision of what you'd like your life to be and as potential partners present themselves you assess his or her capabilities to fill the complementary role: that of partner.  But you must realize he or she is doing the exact same thing.

"There were two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations." ~ Jodi Picoult

That's an interesting quote above.  I've always subscribed to the idea that you shouldn't try to change someone to meet your expectations.  That route is wrought with an unnecessary weight.  Rather, you have a choice and you mustn't be afraid to make it.  You can change your partner or change your expectations.  One requires you to perhaps reassess and abandon or alter your vision or goals.  That's a tough call so don't take it lightly.

Two things come to mind when considering expectations: don't allow your optimism to die and always work on becoming a good hand.  What I mean here is don't ever allow your expectations to take on the tone of pessimism.  Don't allow your expectations for someone, or yourself, to become an expectation of failure.  Remember an expectation is the basis of belief you used to create a series of benchmarks you've planned to meet your goal.  Pessimistic expectations are the complete opposite and really just a permissive mindset to fail.  They lack the main ingredient: belief.  "I don't expect John to be able to complete this task to my standards."  Then why is John in that role?

Secondly, remember everyone on the team has his or her own set of expectations, too.  The beauty of a partnership or team is that it's comprised of the most capable members working in unison to meet their respective responsibilities.  Set the expectation by being the example you want to see.  Focus internally on whether you're being a good hand, rather than pointing out some one's error.  Your world is a mirror of your effort and interest: what you give you get back.

"When you look at someone you see what you expect to see: good or bad.  Therefore, always look for the vein of goodness because it's there.  Expect it and it appears." ~ Jason Huntsinger      

Sticks and Stones

It really seems like such a simple principle to live by, doesn't it?

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.  

We begin to learn this message as soon as we learn to speak. As we grow older the phrase becomes a little more complex, but the message is the same. It's a message of how to treat people.

Words are so inexplicably powerful...if we allow to them be. When you think about words--the formation of sounds and the arrangement of letters, and our understanding and agreement of the meanings--it is absurd that they can carry so much power. The simple combination of words in a deliberate order can either empower or destroy a person. No physical force necessary. No physical harm inflicted. But crippling emotional harm, nonetheless.


The intent behind our word choice is what precipitates the early-life training: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. It's one of the earliest lessons we learn but so many of us still have a hard time with it. Some of the other basic principles of living amongst people are easier: don't hit and don't take something that doesn't belong to you. But perhaps this one is more difficult because it can be somewhat cathartic to the orator. It is a surefire way to project negative emotions elsewhere, almost as if opening your mouth is an actual physical release of the negativity. In this case it comes from unhappiness and a desire to bring others down as well.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." ~ Plato

Verbal enmity is laden with spite and constructed in just such a way to cause the most damage. Opposite of a weapon of mass destruction, it is the most efficient weapon of focused destruction. You can sometimes witness a person physically deflate when another launches ill-intentioned words their way. Often the reception of the words is based on the relationship between the orator and the recipient. That relationship is what gives the words credibility and either encourages or discourages the recipient to agree. The closer the relationship the more powerful the propensity to agree.

"By hooking our attention, the word can enter our mind and change a whole belief for better or for worse." ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

What's the point of this observation? If you wouldn't stand nose-to-nose and fire hate in an attempt to ruin someone then why look in the mirror and do it to yourself? There is no one you have a closer relationship to than yourself, and as such, no one's words have more meaning than your own. You are better than you believe and every single moment--86,400 every single day--is your opportunity to make a change. It's that simple. If you are unhappy with your past decisions, which have guided you to this moment, then seize the opportunity to make a change. Choose words that lift rather than crush. Use those sticks and stones to build your future.

Patience, My Friend, Patience

I'll just come out and say it: I lack patience. I become impatient and frustrated when there just isn't enough time in the day, or days in my life. The same optimistic mindset telling me there are 1,440 moments in a single day to create good also tells me there are only 1,440 moments in this day to accomplish everything I want to do.  Neither my drive nor my desire are my limitations; it's the fact that there are infinite possibilities in a finite day.

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet." ~ Aristotle

I almost can't even say it convincingly to myself but I may be getting close to the halfway point in my life. With so many items on my to-do list of life, how do I even begin to whittle the possibilities down into actionable choices? I've spent the last few years feeling as if I've been back at the starting line waiting to gain traction. I'm missing out on opportunities to enjoy this because I'm trying to get to that. It's really a sensitive balance, it seems. I work to enjoy my current situation while still seeking opportunities to improve that situation. I feel that's an important desire to maintain throughout my life: improvement.

In my mind, improvement is growth. I'm beginning to finally understand that improvement is not an unhappiness with the current situation, rather it's a desire to make something good even better. Not understanding this has been part of my restlessness. I tended to focus on the next step rather than enjoying the moment. My ignorance of the present and farsightedness breeds impatience and worry. I'm spent much of my adult life worrying whether I'd get there.

Have I really spent precious time in my life pining for something more? How many days have I lost pining for something intangible? Happiness. Security. Acceptance. Power. I celebrated my 43rd birthday recently and one phrase comes to mind:

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." ~ Douglas Adams

In hindsight, my life's road map perhaps seems more like a blind scavenger hunt full of ups and downs, turns and roadblocks, celebration and misery, success and failure. My impatience to reach the next point has been wasted effort and, again in hindsight, pointless. I am capable of being in just one place at a time and that place is always right here: the present. The only step I can be sure of is the one I'm taking now.

A new calendar year is approaching and a new year in my life is upon me already. So, I vow to be more patient. I vow to enjoy the moment, smell the roses, take in the sights and just find peace. If I can't find peace in this immediate moment how in the world can I expect to find such peace in the next? Forty-three years have shown me that I can't. Patience, my friend, patience...the moments will come as they should and when they should.

"Life is a gift. Don't forget to say thank you." ~ Jason Huntsinger