The Mindset of Regret

"Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been." ~ Kurt Vonnegut

This is an interesting quote considering a 2014 study that reportedly shows mice exhibit regret as humans do.  Regret is a strong word to use and perhaps it's best to begin by defining my use of it here.  It is an emotion of sadness about a choice that has already been made.  It is different than mere disappointment; regret is repentance about a past decision.

Although the quote above suggests a missed opportunity, what I really want to discuss is how regret can become a paralyzing mindset.  Yes, paralyzing.  The recollection of a regretted decision can become the catalyst for self-doubt on a massive scale.  It's like finding a crack in the foundation of your life.  Even thought you've known it was there and you've built a magnificent life over it, the occasional observation of its presence casts a pall of gloom over everything.  This mindset is not necessarily a continual thought but when it arrives it is numbing.

The issue here--besides the obviousness of emotional paralysis--is that our lives are a journey of stepping stones we place.  When thoughts become a defeatist mindset of regret the path of the stones we lay goes askew.  If we fail to be cognizant of this effect then our mindset of regret becomes a limit we place upon ourselves, no matter how well we recover or build over it.  One single choice can have seemingly continuing collateral consequences both for you and those whose lives intersect with yours.  But, that is somewhat true and false of every decision whether regrettable or agreeable.  Our lives are fluid, rapidly evolving, and cannot follow a set path, nor can those lives around us.  So, the issue really becomes finding a way to avoid lamenting in our choices of the past and, ultimately, overcome this mindset.

"We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future." ~ Steve Maraboli

I recently had a conversation with my future father-in-law about the work/family balance.  This is a man who has remained married to his high school sweetheart, raised two wonderful and successful children, provided well for his family and is now reaching retirement.  Yet, even in all his professional and familial success he finds moments of regret.  My point is that no one is immune to their mind creeping in.

I've come to understand there are two methods to prevent the mindset of regret.  First, is to understand the choice, once made, is immediately in the past.  As time continues to pass the collateral consequences become less and less linked to our choice because every element that we believe to be a collateral effect has the ability to remain fluid and correct itself.  No element is entirely parasitic and life is not completely linear thus an unanticipated trajectory needn't remain out of control.  The first method is to focus on the here-and-now, and what choices you can make now.

The second method is to consider the totality of it all.  All too often we take a single moment from life and try to define ourselves by it.  We tend to generalize our lives into one lifetime but the reality is we experience 10.5 million minutes in just the first twenty years of life and each is an opportunity to make a new choice.  Considering the totality of it all is finding a way to be kinder to ourselves and take pride in this life we live.  Every decision brought us to this moment and we can all find something special about it.

"Good or bad, right or wrong, the choices I make in my life are the brush strokes on the canvas of my lifetime.  I assure you--both critics and admirers--that the finished product of my life will be a work of art and will not disappoint." ~ Jason Huntsinger 

Losing Your Focus

"We've spent so much time judging what other people created that we've created very, very little of our own." ~ Chuck Palahniuk

For some unknown reason we all tend to judge one another.  Perhaps it offers us some solace to believe others have imperfections or character flaws when we feel most vulnerable.

We all have some notion of what the world should be and how everyone we meet should fit into that idea.  It's a massive template we lay over our world, our version of life, and our version of the constant battle between right and wrong.  When someone doesn't fit our plan or ideals we pass judgment on them.

Do we ever stop to realize that everyone we meet is doing the exact same to us?  The people we come across every day, both face-to-face and in this electronic world, are laying their own templates before them in an effort to navigate life.

To put it in the most simple of term, we are all on a personal journey on this mighty blue marble.  But, a journey to where?  It's a journey that somehow seems unfathomably long at the beginning yet painfully quick at the end.  A journey of intense elation and near unbearable heartbreak.  A journey that seems sinuous at times and undeviating at others.  A journey of falling down and getting back up.  We are all on a journey to become better versions of ourselves and attain some level of fulfillment.

It's a personal journey that lasts an entire lifetime.

"Imagine a life where people realized every minute they spent judging one another was one less minute they had to find their own true purpose. It is here now and all it takes is for us to start." ~ Jason Huntsinger

So, why in the world do we shift our focus from our own game plan to one of judgement towards others?  Others have lived and failed, stood tall and slumped, perhaps already faced their greatest challenge or are facing it right this moment.  And here we sit with our own life passing us by, even for just a second, while we shake our proverbial head at them.

We all have the ability to create the most amazing story ever lived; one day at a time, one step at a time and one breath at a time.  No where in this opportunity or along this journey is it acceptable to keep someone down with your judgement.  So I implore you, the next time you find yourself having negative, judgmental thoughts about someone remember every one's journey hits highs and lows, and realign your focus on creating a beautiful story.

"To love a man enough to help him, you have to forfeit the warm, self-righteous glow that comes from judging." ~ Ron Hall 

     

Bumpy Roads: Beautiful Places

Since moving back to Montana I've pined for the views and sensations of standing atop the peaks of the Bridger Mountains.  So one day we set out to hike Sacajawea Peak.  We turned off the main road and began winding our way up the mountain to the trailhead.  It turned from a dirt road to a terribly bumpy road.  I thought about turning around several times.

We continued, bumping and bouncing, along that "road" and found many suitable turnouts along the way.  Many suitable places to give up.  But we continued.  When we reached the trailhead it was surprisingly packed with cars.  I truly expected the lot to be empty and I was shocked to find the types of cars that made that trip up the long and bumpy road.

The trail was exceptional.  It moved through the trees into an open trail across the mountain to a beautiful saddle.  From that point we could see down onto both sides.  But we pressed on to the peak. The journey was well worth the effort; well worth the bumps and well worth the worry.

Isn't that how life goes, too?  We set out to reach a goal but the road gets bumpy so we begin to look for suitable turnouts along the way.  Justifiable points to quit and get off the bumpy road.  When that happens you must press on.  The bumpiest roads lead to the most beautiful places.

What makes successful people different is that their actions are more linear and in alignment with their goals.  "Life is little more than a series of overlapping stories about who we are, where we came from and how we survive." Success comes from linking these together so that your story is one of building and growth, even with a healthy dose of failure growth must occur.

Think back to when you set this goal.  To when your frame of mind convinced you to set out and accomplish this goal or make this journey.  It was likely a mindset of inspiration or motivation, when your soul thrived for the challenge.  It came from a time when your mind was linking a previous accomplishment to your goal.  Don't quit...stay the course.

However, if for some reason you fail to reach that goal this time, if the road is just too bumpy, consider it a lesson.  Back up to the point where you conceived this plan and factor in the new information. All is not lost, it is simply an incremental gain.  The road ahead dares you to try while the road behind bows to your perseverance.  These are your goals and accomplishments, and it is up to you to link the two.

Bumpy roads lead to beautiful places.

Certainty

In my last blog I touched on the idea that developing a "what-if" attitude could open the door to a positive mindset and help begin the journey to realizing your dreams.  As I re-read it this morning I stopped on a particular line:

"What if I was wrong about tomorrow?"

What interests me about this line is the absolute certainty with which I've believed in the negative moments of my life.  I've literally told myself, "I'll never make $100k a year," "I'll never have that one true loving relationship that I've imagined," and "I'll never become a professional athlete."  I was so certain and negative about my future because I was in a rough spot, but what if I was wrong about tomorrow?  Each one of those statements represents a dream or goal I've had and when I became certain about my inability to reach them I essentially conceded defeat.  

Conceding defeat with this type of clairvoyant certainty is a nail in your coffin; it's giving up on yourself.  This type of certainty comes once you knowingly decide to give up on your dream. When is the last time you spoke of a dream with positive certainty rather then wishful possibility?

"I act with complete certainty. But this certainty is my own." ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein

To some extent, I believe in the law of attraction (conceive, believe, achieve).  Under this ideology it is impossible to achieve your dreams unless you believe in them...and yourself.  If you're certain they will never come to fruition then your certainty of failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Perhaps its time to flip the script you've created in your head?  Release the fingers wrapped around your neck choking the life from your future.  They're your fingers, my friend, no one else's.  Each finger is a negative statement about the certainty of your failure or inability, and the ramifications that today's failure voids tomorrow's dreams.  What if you are wrong about tomorrow?  What if you are on the brink of whatever it is you desire?  What harm would come to simply believe in yourself and deny the negative certainty that clouds you?  The answer is none.  It causes no harm...none.

"I like the scientific spirit--the holding off, the being sure but not too sure, the willingness to surrender ideas when the evidence is against them: this is ultimately fine--it always keeps the way beyond open--always gives life, thought, affection, the whole man the chance to try over again after a mistake--after a wrong guess." ~ Walt Whitman

Ask Yourself: What If?

I learned about a tactical mindset concept years ago in what seems like a different life...but the principles are applicable today as well. It's the idea that two mindsets exist: probability versus possibility. It's really somewhat rooted in statistics but it can literally set the tone for what you expect in your life.

On one hand, the idea of probability thinking tells you what to expect based on several factors, many of which are focused on the past. It's the idea that patterns of the past are pre-indicators to the future, which may very well be true if nothing is done to make a change. This type of thinking is safe for many people. It helps them to understand what will likely happen in the future. It's the framework for the status quo and, quite frankly, mediocrity.

On the other hand, possibility thinking is the discovery that the ceiling no longer exists. It's the idea that the future is unwritten, a blank slate as long as you possess the creativity and tenacity to pursue your dreams. It's shifting the focus to a mind-blowing realm of potential.

"Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon." ~ Paul Brandt

At a moment in my life when the future seemed bleak and uncertain, I met a friend who asked me, "What if you really don't know what the future will be?" Hmm, what if? What if I was wrong about tomorrow; what harm would it cause to believe in the possibility?  I hadn't drawn the connection between asking "what if" and the possibility mindset until recently but the application is spot on. Seeing the future, creating your path from here forward and finding your way begins with the phrase "What if?"

The application of this question is actually a wonderful entry point to a positive mindset. What harm would it cause to believe, even for just a moment, that you are on the brink of something truly great?  Of finally getting on the track to the life you've always dreamed of living?

"All things are possible until they are proven impossible." ~ Pearl S. Buck

I have a challenge for you. Ask yourself what it is you desire in your life and then ask, "What if...?" That's it, just start by asking that simple question and let your mind create the path. Purge all negative thoughts, block any objections and ask it. Use that phrase as a key to open your mind and flood it with the thoughts of what you'd hoped for as a child, worked for as a young adult, attempted to accomplish recently or desire for the future, and ask what if it all came true. Allow the possibility to re-enter your mind and rejoice in your imagination.

The opposition to optimism is negative self talk. The type of debilitating banter you would never utter to anyone but yourself. Developing a what-if attitude and a possibility mindset are the first objections to the negative banter. They break the mold of the humdrum and set the stage for the incredible. No one, and I mean NO ONE, can tell you that you can't do something...even you.

"I am too much of a skeptic to deny the possibility of anything." ~ Thomas Henry Huxley

Stop Trying to Find Your Happiness

At times over the last several years I've felt that I've been on a journey to find happiness.  Almost as if it's some elusive place I had only heard about but failed to find.  I've been extremely happy and proud in my life, don't get me wrong, but that feeling of absolute happiness in my life seemed to escape me.

"Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder..." ~ Henry David Thoreau

The search for happiness is filled with dead-ends and wrong road signs.  It's a maze of mediocrity.  I'd hoped I would round the corner again and again and there it would be...happiness.  I search ahead of my path and outside myself for something magical.  Everything I need to be happy is, in fact, right beneath my feet and in my heart.  I began to transition my thoughts from finding happiness to realizing what it is to be happy.  It's appreciation.

What I found was that a gap existed between those two mindsets.  On one hand, my search for happiness left me constantly feeling dissatisfied.  On the other hand, my realization that I needn't search anywhere produced instant satisfaction and appreciation.  The gap--the time it took to understand this--was a breeding ground for negative thoughts.

No matter what I did in my search I left the scene somewhat empty.  No "action" ever produced the happiness I thought I needed.  Happiness is not a action; it's a feeling.  Nothing could have possibly been around the next corner that would have caused me to end my search.  Nothing was good enough to satisfy what I believed I desired.  Repeated frustration and dissatisfaction were the air and water to make my negativity grow.

Conversely, happiness is the feeling of literally standing still and appreciating all that your senses are bringing in right now.  Nothing outside of your mind or heart will produce that feeling, so the realization comes when you understand the tools you need to refocus on positivity and the elements you need to make it grow already exist at this exact moment.

The gap between the two mindsets need not exist.  The ground where you once farmed negative thoughts can instantly become a garden of appreciation.  And, when the positive thoughts have taken over the mind begins to unleash a bounty of joy and happiness.

Stop trying to find your happiness in some other place and starting realizing only you hold the key to unlock the vault of happiness already inside you.

Follow the Bread Crumbs

I've been working on a book for the last four years, although in reality it's been 43 years in the making.  It's about attitude and failure but more specifically how the former affects the latter.  The title is: Falling is the Easy Part.  It is, in part, about failure but more importantly the realization that you'll face your own "now what do I do?" moment.  Life goes on but you need to make a choice first: succumb to the setback or discover the lesson.  The question is, how do you find a positive attitude after falling?  Follow the bread crumbs.

"In life, people trip.  Most people fall.  Some people turn that into a beautiful, beautiful dance." ~ John Mayer

For some reason many of us think of failure as a catastrophic event.  Almost as if it's an irrecoverable slippage from our track through life.  It's not.  We fail in some way nearly every single day.  Granted, there is a significant difference between failing to wake up at sunrise to exercise and failing as an employee by stealing--where deeper underlying character issues need to be resolved--but the point is we easily dismiss many trivial failures quickly.

The real issue here is not whether or not we fail; the issue is a two-step evaluation of the aftermath:

1. How well do we either harbor or jettison the feelings of failure?
2. How much did we value the opportunity?

We often hold on to the feelings of failure because we sulk in the thoughts that we won't realize the benefits of the opportunity had we succeeded.  The aftereffect I brood most about is how my failure might affect my kids' future.  Nothing has happened to justify these thoughts but I somehow continue to battle myself over thoughts of hypotheticals.

Let's take job loss for example.  You've been fired or laid off for some reason, so you reached the point of failure when you became incapable of meeting some expectation you set for yourself.  That expectation was born when you faced an opportunity and imagined the outcome and benefits.  With that you took a step in a new direction and here we are.

Falling down in life is the easy part.  It's the choice thereafter that becomes difficult: succumb to the setback or discover the lesson.  Succumbing to the setback is akin to hiding from life.  It's giving up.  It's using a single event to define an entire lifetime.  It's adopting a belief that everything leading up to that failure was a failure as well.  Such a fallacy!  There you stood weighing the benefits of the opportunity you chose to pursue., and all your actions and decisions up to that exact moment led you to that possibility.  How can you call that a failure?

The truly amazing part is that, believe it or not, you had already failed in some way prior.  Even in the most mundane sense you got on with things after failure and you succeeded again.  Don't you see that you really can overcome setbacks?  The crippling feeling you have now is just your mind fretting over the missed benefits of this opportunity.  That's what is causing you continued distress.  It's your mind focusing on what could have been.

The second option is to discover the lesson.  I can attest that sometimes it's unimaginable to believe something positive can come from failure.  Where do you begin to look for the positive?  In that case, look to the moment of failure and work backward.  Positive decisions and emotions led you to the brink of opportunity.  Now transition your thoughts away from what went wrong and focus on what went right.  Follow the bread crumbs back.  They are clues to help you find the happiness, positive characteristics, confidence and enthusiasm you had.  Only then will you be able to see the entirety of the situation and the path you took.  That is your lesson.

"Sadness is but a wall between two gardens." ~ Khalil Gibran

Recapturing the moment you stood on the brink of opportunity is the positive element I want to focus on.  Prior to your failure you discovered an opportunity and thought so highly of it that you decided to leave your comfort zone and reach for it.  Remember how it made you happy to imagine reaching this goal?  Happiness gave you the confidence to take that step.  Looking back at the job loss example, that job offer came after you stood tall in an interview and sold your abilities!  You convinced the hiring manager or owner that you brought some serious value to the game.  Look in the mirror now and tell me whether that's who you see today.  My bet is no.  Today you are sad, and that sadness is the wall between you and the next opportunity.  Follow the breadcrumbs back to the mindset of yesterday, take a deep breathe and live in that moment.

There's a reason we leave bread crumbs...to find our way back; back to some point in time when we felt the confidence to take another step.  In your time of failure, follow the bread crumbs.