"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." ~ Oscar Wilde
Yet, as I got closer to my 49th birthday, I found it impossible not to look back and reflect on my entire journey. I can honestly say that I am happy. That's an understatement. I'm happier than I imagined I could ever be again. I am inexplicably blessed to be married to my best friend, and the most loving and beautiful woman I have ever known. So, in that sense, my love quotient is full. Our hearts, minds and adventurous spirits are synchronous with one another. But happiness is not synonymous with or a substitute for purpose.
Perhaps the confidence I have in our love is what allowed me the opportunity to rummage through my soul without fear of judgment. For my own mental health, I needed to find my purpose and I believed I could find it hidden deep inside. It had to be in my lost and found. I had it once, but I seem to have misplaced it so surely I could find it again. Come to find out, it wasn't in the lost and found at all. My purpose isn't attached to some aspect of my past journey and it's not some nuance of life I need to redo; it's something I get to create today. Just as I got to create it twenty years ago.
"The purpose of life is not to be happy--but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that you lived at all." ~ Leo Rosten
I recently had a conversation with a physician who is experiencing a significant, career-ending failure. He is at the point in this part of the journey where he can't even conceive an image of his future. This is a scary place to be. During our conversation he was essentially calling bullshit on the idea that he could exercise his way to a better mindset because he was losing the one thing that is the root of his purpose: to help people heal. So, after much discussion, and listening to his theory that life will never be the same, it became evident the only thing that will change is the manner in which he helps people heal. If purpose is his paint brush then only the picture will change. He will still create with the same technique and tools.
"One of my greatest fears is that my dreams have somehow lost their purpose. That my ability to create a story of value in the world is over. That, to the world, I'm no longer relevant. As if, somehow, I'm already dead but I just don't know it. But here's the thing: I can still feel my heart beating." ~ me
Happiness and purpose share an important and common trait: we have complete control over them. My fears of purposeful relevance are just a construct that I've created based on my perception of age, outside opinion and judgment. It's a defeatist summation based on the forlorn conclusion by comparing my current position in life and some previously conceived idea. It's similar to feeling as if I am a failure as a 50 year old man because I cannot dunk a basketball as I did 35 years ago. My expectation is incongruous with my situation, but in no way does this equate to a failure. Stop searching the lost and found for your idea of purpose, and happiness for the matter. Instead, conceive it in the present. The roadmap to your personal happiness and purpose leads forward from this starting point, not back to a former point in time.