The Real Failure in Failing

I spent the morning reading Colin Wright's new book, Act Accordingly.  It was a nice morning.  There I sat in my favorite coffee shop (which, by the way, I find myself in more often than not) drinking coffee and reading this book.  The fact is that I spend a fair amount of time in that same coffee shop reading, writing, thinking and planning.  The common topic is my life, or more specifically rebuilding my life.

I tend to be drawn to writings about failure and using it as a learning tool.  I have failed in my life.  I've had the occasional "whoops" failures and mistakes, and I've had a "what the f--k were you thinking" failure.  The latter is the impetus for the hours spent in the coffee shop.

Chapter 4 of Colin's book -- Let's Fail Until We Don't --  addresses this.  As I read through the chapter I came across one line that struck me.  Colin wrote, "Of course, it's easier to theorize about challenges being useful than actually going out and finding, facing and overcoming them."  There I sit, hour upon hour, thinking and writing and planning.  There I sit.  It is much easier to think and plan than it is to do.  I can romanticize some great rebirth or reincarnation like a Phoenix rising from the ashes.  I can control that part.  Even as I write this, I realize that this is a spin-off of the Action post I wrote a few months back.

"Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take the step."

I realize perhaps I tend over-analyze.  There are a million reasons it might not be the right time to act, and I think I try to find them all.  But really, if we fail somehow in our lives the only real failure exists if we fail to get back up.  That takes action.  As the quote above reminds us, just take that first step.  Rebuilding from failure is all about the transition.  It's a more involved process, of course, but the crux of the process is transitioning from thinking and planning to doing.

What barriers keep us from taking that step?  I could list several but they would all be external influences and, in reality, not barriers at all.  The only true barrier that prevents us from acting is ourselves.  We find excuses based on embarrassment or shame, fear of further failure, or even a lack of confidence.  The antidote attribute is resilience.  Resilience is the effort it takes to take that step.  It is the effort to hold our head up again and stand tall.  Resilience is the effort to keep chasing your dreams.  Resilience is that little voice in your head saying, "Don't give up no matter how hard you fell."

"It is important to stand up again post-failure.  Our dreams and goals are only visible on the horizon when we stand tall with our head high." ~ Jason Huntsinger

Heading Towards the Falls

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin... But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, still time to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." ~ Alfred Souza

Recently, while discussing ideas for my book with my very close friend, I talked about the concept of life carrying you along to the point that you lose track of where you're headed.  She mentioned the term "Niagara Syndrome."  It sounded interesting.  The Niagara Syndrome is actually from Anthony Robbins' book, Awaken the Giant.  Basically, the syndrome is when people get caught up in the river of life and lose control of where they are headed.  By the time they realize it, it's too late.

Here is my question: How the hell do you get out of the river once you fall in?  Depends at what point you fall in or at what point you recognize it, I suppose.  At some point, going over the edge is inevitable, right?  If you happen to fall in, and recognize the misstep early enough, the correction is much less panicked.

So, perhaps the first step is to keep checking your progress.  Often, it seems, if things are moving too fast then odds are you're in the river already and don't realize it.  You'll feel a loss of control.  But, if you keep an eye on your goals and surroundings you're more likely to notice the misstep.  It comes down to assessing and reassessing your position, constantly.  A misstep, noticed early enough, gives you time to look ahead, plan a correction and act on it.  The self-saving can be calculated.

What if the misstep is too far downriver or you don't realize it until you hear the roar of the falls ahead?  You really have two options: fight like hell or fall with cognition.  One approach sends you into a panic and threatens your ability to stick to your principles.  The other, albeit less than ideal, allows you to learn from the situation, prepare for the fall and regroup.

So many euphemisms here, let me explain.  Sometimes we get caught up in a behavior, good or bad, and lose sight of where we're headed.  This could be something as simple as letting our ego guide the way.  The earlier we recognize that the behavior is not consonant with our goals the easier it is to fix.  But, at some point it may be too late and we fail or hit bottom...the falls. When this becomes inevitable the best course of action is to accept the path and begin to learn from the mistakes.  It's a crazy balance between pride, control, drive and acceptance.  Fighting to swim back upstream is filling your mind with regret.  There is no way to rewrite the past or turn back time.  There is no way to swim up a waterfall.

"In the end you really have no choice but accept what happens in your life.  The only choice is whether you accept what it is now or look back and accept what it was then." ~ Jason Huntsinger 

There is No End to the Spectrum

Recently, I was fortunate enough to meet with Elke Govertsen, publisher of Mamalode Magazine, to discuss PositivelyBusiness Magazine.  She is such a real and dynamic personality!  One of the things she said that has really resonated with me is that it's important to understand we are in this spectrum and just as we look to others as mentors, there is always someone looking up to us as a mentor.

This is really such a powerful concept that helps me to understand there is no end to the spectrum of business and success.  Some people climb this ladder of success carelessly crushing others below them yet never breaking sight of the top rung.  Yet others understand you never really climb a rung without someone providing a helping hand, and reciprocate that "hand up" to those following in their steps, too.  That's Elke.

"As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others." ~ Audrey Hepburn

Living your life, both personally and professionally, with this mindset is a wonderful way to remember the importance of the journey and not so much the destination.  I am a motivated individual, but I understand that no one makes this journey through life alone.  Every successful person has had help...every single one.  I've mentioned before that success is really a subjective term but think about it for just a moment.  Every great leader has had someone who mentored them at some stage in their progression to success.  It could be someone already in their respective field, a religious influence, a parent, a teacher, etc.

Conversely, even though you might not believe you've reached a level in life that meets your aspirations I guarantee there is someone behind you looking for guidance.  Someone who looks at your position and aspires to be there.  What better way to remain grounded in life?  What better way to help you appreciate this journey?  More importantly, what better way to truly be successful in this life than to build up those around you?

What I believe is that there is no "top" rung in this ladder of success.  It is an endless spectrum and we are merely a dot.  We look ahead to help find our way but must never forget to stop and look back to share what we've learned.  We are scouts for the next generation.

"Alexander the Great valued learning so highly that he used to say he was more indebted to Aristotle for giving him knowledge than to this father Philip for life." ~ Samuel Smiles

There is no end to the spectrum.  Mentoring those around us is essential to our own personal success.  Our time on this earth is limited but the impact of imparting knowledge and experience to our kids or our successors is timeless.

Opportunity is the Optimist's Word for Choice

I believe in the concept that failure is a part of success.  You will never truly appreciate success and happiness unless you know the feeling of failure.  Some failures are hiccups and part of the learning curve while others are the product of grossly negligent decisions or malfeasance.  Nonetheless, neither of these results are permanent although some failures are more difficult to rebound from.

"It's not how far you fall, but how high you bounce back that counts." ~ Zig Ziglar 

Failure is the easy part in the equation.  Finding the resilience to rebound is the tough part.  What drives someone to get back up?  Sometimes it seems easier to just lay there, breathing in the dirt, with your eyes closed hoping no one was looking.  But, inevitably, they were.  Why do we get back up?  It's hard and it's embarrassing.

I'm inspired by the idea that I have the potential to do something great in my life.  I'm not sure what that it yet, but it is imminent.  Perhaps I will see through my goal of becoming a personal trainer and helping others change their lives.  Perhaps I will create and run a business that will set the bar for corporate philanthropy.  Perhaps I will be a great father and model the right balance of love, acceptance and encouragement for my kids to change the world.  Greatness is personal and a superb motivator.

"My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure." ~ Abraham Lincoln

That begs the question, are there great people or great just opportunities?  It seems to me that we all begin life the same way.  We all face somewhat similar choices throughout our early lives.  Where we differ is how well we reason through these choices, which is the primary factor in how far we fall.  But at the root of it all we are all human beings with the same opportunities.  Opportunity is the optimist's word for choice.

When you feel driven by greatness, in whatever form that may be, you begin to see every choice as an opportunity.  The people who become known as great have learned to make better choices and seize opportunities.  And, that is where life is truly lived, in the moments of personal greatness.  That's why we keep getting up.  That's why we brush ourselves off, spit the dirt out of our mouths and refocus our sights ahead.  Opportunities are much easier to see when you stand with your head held high, rather than laying in the dirt and defeated.

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.  Because almost everything--all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure--these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important." ~ Steve Jobs

Enthusiasm Itself is the Motivator

One of my favorite books is Enthusiasm Makes the Difference, by Norman Vincent Peale.  This was one of the first books I read on my journey to a positive attitude and better life.  What I found is there are really two benefits of acting with enthusiasm--external and internal.  The external benefits show up in how you deliver something you genuinely care about.  It's contagious and persuasive.  I've noticed that this past week while training a new employee.  My partner and I built our store from nothing and are so very proud of it.  I feel this passion coming through when I explain even the most mundane tasks and expectations to the new employee.  That is what makes the difference, isn't it?  Anyone can regurgitate information, but it takes a genuine and passionate interest in something to deliver it with enthusiasm.

"I truly believe that enthusiasm makes the difference between success and failure." ~ Norman Vincent Peale

The other side of the coin is the internal power of changing the way you live life.  Enthusiasm is the arch enemy of fear and worry.  It is an "intense and eager enjoyment or interest" in something, thus adopting an enthusiastic attitude drives out negative emotion.  

It can sometimes be tough to find positivity day after day when you're going through tough times.  The beauty of developing an enthusiastic attitude is that it causes you to view everything differently, but it starts with just one thing.  It's not about searching for something to feel happy about.  I know, firsthand, that during the darkest times it can be hard to find even a glimmer of light to feel grateful about.

"The men who do the most with their lives are those who approach human existence, its opportunities and problems, with a confident attitude and enthusiastic point of view." ~ Norman Vincent Peale

Living with enthusiasm is a way to completely change your perspective.  It becomes motivating.  Even in the darkest moments there is always something you enjoy.  Focus your enthusiasm on that one task.  I mean really focus your thoughts on this task and allow the keenness to develop.  The feeling will grow.  Rather than trying to change how you look at the things around you, which are likely a cause of the ill feelings, just pick one task you already enjoy and do it with intent.  Do you see the difference?  Enthusiasm will naturally flow and become the motivator.  It will precipitate the change you need. 

Your life is not meant to be lived in mediocrity.  It's meant to be lived with emphatic exuberance.  When you find enthusiasm you find motivation.

What Gives Me the Right?

Do you ever wonder whether you deserve to be as happy as you want to be?  I do.  My problem is that I judge whether my past choices and mistakes earn me the right to be happy now.  What gives me the right?  Have I earned it?  I know I'm not alone here...

"I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends." ~ Walt Whitman

This may sound ridiculous to some people, but I believe that's just because the topic is happiness.  Think about it in other terms such as praise.  Have you ever received praise and just didn't feel you deserved it?  If so, what makes this different?  The difference is who bestows the recognition.  When someone else praises us, tells us we did a great job or are a great employee, we might blush and say we don't deserve it, but it feels good and we accept it.  Odds are we'll probably share it with someone later, too.  Someone else looked at us and made a determination that we deserved to feel good about ourselves.  That's the whole point of them sharing this praise.  They saw something good in us and made the decision to point it out.  Now, admit it...it felt great, didn't it?

What do you see when you look in the mirror?  Take a look and try to see the person looking back at you objectively.  Do you see mistakes and failures?  Yes.  Do you see struggle and conflict?  Sometimes.  Do you see good intentions and genuine potential?  Absolutely!  Despite all this, could you find something wonderful to say to the person you see?  Good.

We are our fiercest critics in life, aren't we?  In fact, I believe we are our biggest impediments in life, too.  We constantly get in out own way because we somehow feel the need to tie our happiness and success to an interpretation of what we feel we deserve.

"We cannot achieve more in life than what we believe in our heart of hearts we deserve to have." ~ James R. Ball

To break free of this practice we must first remove any such weight from our intentions and potential as well as our mistakes.  The burden of trying to legitimize our happiness falls not on finding reasons we don't deserve to be happy but rather recognizing the plethora of reasons we have the right to be happy.  No matter what your religion the fact remains that every single day we see a sunrise or sunset, smell a flower, hear someone laugh, taste our favorite food or feel an embrace is an absolute miracle.  We live a miracle every single day and the only way to appreciate a miracle is to smile and give thanks.  Try being unhappy with that mindset!

What gives me the right to be happy?  What gives me the right NOT to be happy?