Expectations

Many years ago when I began my first career, I was told by a senior co-worker one of the most important things I can do is become a "good hand."  He explained that to be the type of person others know they can count on without question and someone who contributes to the shared goal.  In other words, a reliable team player.  I worked hard to become just that, to contribute my share of the team's effort and in doing so I began to create expectations for myself and others.

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed." ~ Alexander Pope

First of all, I don't buy into the concept of this quote.  I think it is a wonderful reminder to check yourself and perhaps discover the root of some frustrations, but ultimately I don't think it's really practical to jettison all expectations.  An expectation is merely a belief that someone will do something or something will happen: good or bad.  The detriment of having expectations is the risk of disappointment, but the benefit is the mindset of belief.  Belief is the active ingredient in confidence (seriously, check the label).

I believe setting goals is really a series of well-planned expectations.  Take my passion for triathlon for example.  I have a dream (don't laugh) to become a professional triathlete.  A baseless and ill-planned expectation is that since I'm tall I will likely be a naturally fast swimmer, cyclist and runner.  However, if I begin to design a path to excellence setting attainable goals based on training expectations I could very well find myself on the podium one day which I expect would help me reach my pro status.

That seems pretty straightforward when dealing with ourselves.  We can all handle setting and maybe not reaching our own expectations.  But what about when we set expectations for others?  That, too, is a necessary element of any team or a partnership.  Each person has a role in the partnership and in the effort, and without it there would be no partnership.

So how do we join forces with the people who we expect to uphold their part of the effort?  You see, expectations are not a bad thing.  When you hire a manager you expect him or her to comply with the company's standards and work to meet the company's objectives.  Before you hire that manager you interview him or her.  Before that you screen the applicants.  Before that you define the expectations. The same is true in any partnership: work, sports or love.  In sports you expect the teammate to cover the responsibilities of the position.  The goalkeeper must keep the ball from entering the goal so the position is assigned based on the most capable team member.  In love it's the same thing.  You have a vision of what you'd like your life to be and as potential partners present themselves you assess his or her capabilities to fill the complementary role: that of partner.  But you must realize he or she is doing the exact same thing.

"There were two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations." ~ Jodi Picoult

That's an interesting quote above.  I've always subscribed to the idea that you shouldn't try to change someone to meet your expectations.  That route is wrought with an unnecessary weight.  Rather, you have a choice and you mustn't be afraid to make it.  You can change your partner or change your expectations.  One requires you to perhaps reassess and abandon or alter your vision or goals.  That's a tough call so don't take it lightly.

Two things come to mind when considering expectations: don't allow your optimism to die and always work on becoming a good hand.  What I mean here is don't ever allow your expectations to take on the tone of pessimism.  Don't allow your expectations for someone, or yourself, to become an expectation of failure.  Remember an expectation is the basis of belief you used to create a series of benchmarks you've planned to meet your goal.  Pessimistic expectations are the complete opposite and really just a permissive mindset to fail.  They lack the main ingredient: belief.  "I don't expect John to be able to complete this task to my standards."  Then why is John in that role?

Secondly, remember everyone on the team has his or her own set of expectations, too.  The beauty of a partnership or team is that it's comprised of the most capable members working in unison to meet their respective responsibilities.  Set the expectation by being the example you want to see.  Focus internally on whether you're being a good hand, rather than pointing out some one's error.  Your world is a mirror of your effort and interest: what you give you get back.

"When you look at someone you see what you expect to see: good or bad.  Therefore, always look for the vein of goodness because it's there.  Expect it and it appears." ~ Jason Huntsinger      

Sticks and Stones

It really seems like such a simple principle to live by, doesn't it?

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.  

We begin to learn this message as soon as we learn to speak. As we grow older the phrase becomes a little more complex, but the message is the same. It's a message of how to treat people.

Words are so inexplicably powerful...if we allow to them be. When you think about words--the formation of sounds and the arrangement of letters, and our understanding and agreement of the meanings--it is absurd that they can carry so much power. The simple combination of words in a deliberate order can either empower or destroy a person. No physical force necessary. No physical harm inflicted. But crippling emotional harm, nonetheless.


The intent behind our word choice is what precipitates the early-life training: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. It's one of the earliest lessons we learn but so many of us still have a hard time with it. Some of the other basic principles of living amongst people are easier: don't hit and don't take something that doesn't belong to you. But perhaps this one is more difficult because it can be somewhat cathartic to the orator. It is a surefire way to project negative emotions elsewhere, almost as if opening your mouth is an actual physical release of the negativity. In this case it comes from unhappiness and a desire to bring others down as well.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." ~ Plato

Verbal enmity is laden with spite and constructed in just such a way to cause the most damage. Opposite of a weapon of mass destruction, it is the most efficient weapon of focused destruction. You can sometimes witness a person physically deflate when another launches ill-intentioned words their way. Often the reception of the words is based on the relationship between the orator and the recipient. That relationship is what gives the words credibility and either encourages or discourages the recipient to agree. The closer the relationship the more powerful the propensity to agree.

"By hooking our attention, the word can enter our mind and change a whole belief for better or for worse." ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

What's the point of this observation? If you wouldn't stand nose-to-nose and fire hate in an attempt to ruin someone then why look in the mirror and do it to yourself? There is no one you have a closer relationship to than yourself, and as such, no one's words have more meaning than your own. You are better than you believe and every single moment--86,400 every single day--is your opportunity to make a change. It's that simple. If you are unhappy with your past decisions, which have guided you to this moment, then seize the opportunity to make a change. Choose words that lift rather than crush. Use those sticks and stones to build your future.