I'll just come out and say it: I lack patience. I become impatient and frustrated when there just isn't enough time in the day, or days in my life. The same optimistic mindset telling me there are 1,440 moments in a single day to create good also tells me there are only 1,440 moments in this day to accomplish everything I want to do. Neither my drive nor my desire are my limitations; it's the fact that there are infinite possibilities in a finite day.
"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet." ~ Aristotle
I almost can't even say it convincingly to myself but I may be getting close to the halfway point in my life. With so many items on my to-do list of life, how do I even begin to whittle the possibilities down into actionable choices? I've spent the last few years feeling as if I've been back at the starting line waiting to gain traction. I'm missing out on opportunities to enjoy this because I'm trying to get to that. It's really a sensitive balance, it seems. I work to enjoy my current situation while still seeking opportunities to improve that situation. I feel that's an important desire to maintain throughout my life: improvement.
In my mind, improvement is growth. I'm beginning to finally understand that improvement is not an unhappiness with the current situation, rather it's a desire to make something good even better. Not understanding this has been part of my restlessness. I tended to focus on the next step rather than enjoying the moment. My ignorance of the present and farsightedness breeds impatience and worry. I'm spent much of my adult life worrying whether I'd get there.
Have I really spent precious time in my life pining for something more? How many days have I lost pining for something intangible? Happiness. Security. Acceptance. Power. I celebrated my 43rd birthday recently and one phrase comes to mind:
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." ~ Douglas Adams
In hindsight, my life's road map perhaps seems more like a blind scavenger hunt full of ups and downs, turns and roadblocks, celebration and misery, success and failure. My impatience to reach the next point has been wasted effort and, again in hindsight, pointless. I am capable of being in just one place at a time and that place is always right here: the present. The only step I can be sure of is the one I'm taking now.
A new calendar year is approaching and a new year in my life is upon me already. So, I vow to be more patient. I vow to enjoy the moment, smell the roses, take in the sights and just find peace. If I can't find peace in this immediate moment how in the world can I expect to find such peace in the next? Forty-three years have shown me that I can't. Patience, my friend, patience...the moments will come as they should and when they should.
"Life is a gift. Don't forget to say thank you." ~ Jason Huntsinger
I recently read a short post by Seth Godin in which he asked, "How deep is the water?" The point is if it's too deep to stand, does it really matter? My short answer is yes. My long answer is...
There is a learned trait in most of us: the ability to calculate risk. Very small children don't necessarily have this internal safety net or at least they use a far less complicated calculator. As a toddler, I lacked the ability to judge height while standing on the coffee table (that choice is perhaps for another discussion) and promptly took one step off into a perfect face plant. We slowly begin to learn the consequence for failure.
So, on to my long answer to Mr. Godin's post, it does matter how deep the water is to a certain degree. Think about the differences in these activities. Walk heel-to-toe across a balance beam that is six inches from the ground versus walking that same balance beam 600 feet from the ground. Swim in the deep end of an eight-foot pool versus swimming in the middle of the ocean. We calculate risk based on our perception of an escape plan and the perceived consequences. Can I step off this beam if needed or can I get to the side of the pool?
There are certainly degrees of consideration between my extreme examples but at some point we draw the line for ourselves. Walking a balance beam 600 feet above the ground is insane, unless of course you had a safety harness. What about six feet off the ground? Or 16 feet? Swimming in the ocean conjures up all kinds of fears for me but what about a pool that is 20 feet deep or even a lake that is far too deep for me to descend and touch bottom? We all have that line.
"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." ~ Neale Donald Walsch
That is the point to this all. Calculating risk is a learned behavior but it most certainly matters how deep the water is...based on your ability to calculate the risk and find an exit strategy. It is possible to accomplish feats we never imagined possible but it requires an ability as well as a desire to let go a bit.
The most effective way to accomplish this is to identify the goal or task you wish to tackle and then work your way back to determine what is necessary to get there. Reversing this process--that is taking your current state and trying to determine what steps to take to get to your goal--often leaves us feeling overwhelmed and unsure of our ability. It's alright to be scared but challenge that fear and learn to calculate a new risk.
"If visualizing your goal doesn't evoke an excited panic, it's likely not the right goal." ~ Jason Huntsinger
I've recently found myself lost in the thought of the macro and micro views of life. The macro view is how we typically measure our lives: in days, weeks, months, years, decades and even a lifetime. The macro point of view is where life is spent. We use this reference to more easily categorize events.
The micro view, on the other hand, is what happens around us in those moments. It's in these moments that I believe life is really lived, not just spent. It's in the details. Life is lived in the details.
"Don't count the things you do; do the things that count." ~ Zig Ziglar
When you meet someone who lives with a micro point of view, paying attention the micro moments, it's obvious because it manifests itself in their enthusiasm for what others see as the ordinary. They tend to laugh louder, smile bigger, hug harder and love more passionately. They live their lives with a unique appreciation. I've come to admire this perspective and I find myself striving to live this way. I want to pause for moments throughout the day and just absorb it all. The sound of my daughter's voice, the way my son smiles, the touch of my girlfriend's hand on my arm. Every sense is a portal to micro moments of life if we just take a moment to pay attention.
"If there's one thing I learned, it's that nobody is here forever. You have to live for the moment, each and every day...the here, the now." ~ Simone Elkeles
The point here is that I believe we forget about the micro. We get caught up in life and begin to take it all for granted. All the beautiful stimuli of the world pass by us and we don't stop to notice. As a result we look back with a macro perspective and recall blocks of time, rather than specific moments. Think about the times you've recalled specific moments: Do you remember how your mom laughed so hard that time she couldn't stop? That is a micro moment.
Now imagine if you took the time to celebrate those micro moments every day. What if you stopped while walking to work one day and noticed the formation of birds flying overhead in nomadic purposeful unison? What if you closed your eyes at the park one day and caught the sound of that family laughing hysterically? How amazing would your days become?
"She worked her toes into the sand, feeling the tiny delicious pain of the friction of tiny chips of silicon against the tender flesh between her toes. That's life. It hurts, it's dirty, and it feels very, very good." ~ Orson Scott Card
The really amazing part about this concept is that it is never too late to begin. If you possess any of your five senses then you're capable of living in the micro. Why would you delay any longer? Life is lived in the details...all you have to do is pay attention.
Whether on a macro- or micro-scale, we all fall short in our attempts to reach our goals or reach greatness, whatever that may be. In those attempts, and re-attempts, it sometimes just seems too hard, or it doesn't make sense, or it makes you want to quit. It's precisely at those moments that we must not stop. Failure, the F-word, is a stepping stone.
"One of the greatest tragedies of personal growth is quitting. If you take stock now you may find the odds stacked against you, but tomorrow is a new day. Remember, opportunity knocks just once and you are always just one chance away from greatness. So, stay in the game and answer the damn door." ~ Jason Huntsinger
I've learned through my own failures there are three traits that will facilitate you in overcoming failure and rediscovering your greatness: reflection, persistence and resilience. This combination is what makes it possible to move past failure. But, it's a process. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon you will get back to that level of greatness you always imagined if you stick with it and use failure as a stepping stone. Trust me...it will happen.
Reflection
This is the first trait because we must have the ability to learn from the failure. This is the greatest learning opportunity you will ever have so look at it and dig around. Find the cause and effect. Map it out and really understand it so you see the route you took. Don't waste time regretting, that is purely emotional, rather spend the time trying to understand.
"Failure is instructive. The person who really thinks learns quite as much from his failures as from his successes." ~ John Dewey
Persistence
I love the idea of this word: an obstinate continuance in a course of action. Failure can make us feel like someone has taken away our ability to succeed. Who's permission do we need to be successful or happy? Only our own. Reflect on the twists and turns along the way that brought you here and then get back on track. Carry on; you don't need permission!!
"Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm." ~ Winston Churchill
Resilience
In many ways I feel this is the most important trait. You've got to bounce back. It's this elasticity factor that enables you to get up, look back and shake it off. Without resilience you would simply let the world crush you. I'm not talking about simple mediocrity...I'm talking about physically collapsing under the weight of the world. But, that won't happen. We are all here for a purpose, so find yours and go after it with every ounce you can muster. Stumble and regain your footing. Fall and get up. Get knocked down and fight back to your feet. This is your life and you get one chance at it. Greatness is not found in the past, it's before you waiting to be discovered.
"The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough. They're there to stop the other people." ~ Randy Pausch
Looking back through history there have been several classic battles: David and Goliath, Hatfields and McCoys, good and evil. Another has been waging in me for a while, too. It's the battle of dreams and responsibilities.
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
I've reached a point in my life, in both age and satisfaction, in which I feel the need to hit the reset button and create the life I want. But in the course of 42 years I've accumulated some responsibilities. Responsibilities are the results of previous decisions. I've struggled the last few years thinking about this battle, allowing each side to wage a war inside my head, catapulting reasons, justifications and excuses back and forth. It's been exhausting.
As I mentioned previously in my evolution of change, this process involved much deliberation and rumination, and still I find myself questioning my decision. I believe this stems from the feeling I'm shrugging off some of my responsibilities. In every decision there are corollary ramifications and I'm not sure any decision can be made without there being some negative effects. That's the whole point of a decision, right? It's a choice between two or more options, each with their own gains and losses. I know this seems obvious, but in my thought process I need to break it down.
"Don't you find it odd that when you're a kid, everyone, all the world, encourages you to follow your dreams. But when you're older, somehow they act offended if you even try." ~ Ethan Hawke
Decisions like this come down to placing some value on the future, although this seems to require the ability to be a fortune teller. For me, one decision satisfies the moment but the future is potentially bleak, whereas the other decision has a clearly visible and beneficial future. Nonetheless, responsibilities. That word pounds in my head with each syllable like a bowling ball falling onto concrete. Then I realized something: when I felt stuck and failed to look at the big picture I turned the idea of responsibilities into limitations. Responsibilities are not barriers nor limitations nor consequences. Responsibilities are the fruit of our past. Viewing them as limitations is akin to regretting a moment from your past and there is no value in that.
"The only limit is the one you set yourself."
It has taken me some time to see the truth in this. I believe where there is a will there is a way. When I looked at the responsibilities in my life as reasons I could not pursue an opportunity I gave up. They became limitations because I stopped searching for a resolution. But, there is always a resolution to some degree. Perhaps not the first one our mind paints for us, but there are always resolutions to a dilemma.
The first step in finding this resolution is to make peace with the responsibilities--again, the fruit of our past decisions. Embrace them. At one point in the past we engaged in a similar decision-making process and this seemed like the best option, so embrace it. Now, let's stop looking at this as an all-or-nothing situation and open our minds to options and possibilities.
"Every time you discuss the future, grammatically you're forced to cleave that from the present and treat it as if it's something viscerally different." ~ Keith Chen
Our mind can be our greatest ally, or our greatest enemy. This battle of dreams and responsibilities is all in my head and it's as big a war as I make it out to be. Yes, the only limit is the one you set yourself. And, likewise, the only resolution is the one you create yourself.
You'll have to forgive me if the topic of change is becoming redundant or a bore, but things are happening for me and I'm inclined to share and reflect. For the first time in my life I had the beginnings of a panic attack. The topic, in a nutshell, was change. It is actually quite a bit more involved than that; nonetheless, change was the inspiration for my tachycardia and breathlessness. I feel I've been on the brink of change for some time now but it suddenly got real.
"All the concepts about stepping out of your comfort zone mean nothing until you decide that your essential purpose, vision and goals are more important than your self-imposed limitations." ~ Robert White
In my case my goals are quite lofty yet I feel the platform for such success and prosperity is not present in my current environment. As a result, I'm taking a huge step, rather a leap, towards meeting my goals and it is entirely outside my comfort zone. I'm moving to another state, leaving family behind, leaving a business behind and leaving my business partner and best friend behind. Life is about to change.
Change is not a single act; it's a process that must be managed. The changes imminent in my life have evolved from ideas to decisions to action, and my investment in my goals has evolved as well. Every time I think I'm facing the toughest phase in this process the next phase comes and I realize the deeper I get into this evolution the tougher it gets. Each phase takes time and serious deliberation.
The first phase, idea generation was a "weeding out" process in which I filtered through all the possibilities. From here I narrowed the list to plausible options and began the decision phase. Truth be told, I really struggled with this phase. Perhaps that was part of my sluggishness. It's the classic pros/cons debate with a mixing of what-if rumination. It's really a valuation of my goals in relation to my current state, which is not all bad. Once I got through this stage, made a decision and began to develop confidence in my decision, the final step--action--is proving to be the most impactful step of all; hence the term leap. It's this leap that takes me out of my comfort zone. Ruminating was actually safe because it happened within my mind.
"One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time." ~ Andre Gide
Looking back at panic's invasion of my body, I can pinpoint exactly what was going through my mind when it happened. I was looking at the other side of my valuation list; the things I will go without. Often I would focus on the positive opportunities and negative consequences of a decision, but rarely do I look at the flip side, or what's positive in the present. I've already moved past the decision phase and made peace with my decision but I doubted myself just long enough to allow my focus to shift to life inside my comfort zone. It's peaceful and predictable there. My vision of the future became clouded by everything good in the present and my fear manifested itself into a temporary re-valuation of my goals.
"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt." ~ William Shakespeare
The point to all of this is that change is an evolution of steps requiring progressively deeper mental commitment, courage and focus. As I write this post my anxiety has subsided (for now) and I am nine days from embarking on my journey. Real change, the kind that changes your life, is not something to take lightly and as much as I can sit here and assert the need to take action, the truth of the matter is that it's unnerving. Had I not taken this process as an evolution of my options and thoughts I could not have developed nor had faith in my process. I would have crumbled long ago and spent the near future with my head hanging low from defeat unable to see my dreams. Dreams exist in the clouds of possibility high above our heads, not in the soil trampled beneath our feet.
Today my resting heart rate was 48 beats per minute. I found my peace again.
Many of my posts focus on action. It's a common theme and a topic of much contemplation for me. I recently likened by self-proclaimed disposition for action to a race car revving its engine at the starting line. It's all pomp and show until you release the brakes and go. Sadly, at times I feel I have many hours on my engine but few actual miles on the tires.
What I've learned about myself is I felt no peace. I felt angst and anxiety about decisions that I had to make and it paralyzed me in a way. But then three separate and completely unrelated things happened recently that brought this flawed mindset to light for me. Perhaps, no scratch that, I know for a fact the problem stems from my control issues. I will struggle with an idea until it fits nicely into the compartment I believe it should fit in. How's this for a realization: I create my own antithesis to peace with my control issues.
"You have peace," the old woman said, "when you make it with yourself." ~ Mitch Albom
Surrendering to some decisions in my life almost feels like passivity. Ahhhh! But really I'm beginning to understand that it's more about accepting my decisions than just accepting whatever life brings me. I can find peace in past decisions when I accept that each and every one helped me reach this moment and I wouldn't change that for the world. Have some of them been harder than others? Absolutely. The trials and tribulations of my 42 years have taught me where my weaknesses lie, but also where strengths abound. I find peace with that.
Having this peace of mind--no regrets--helps me find some clarity in the decisions I must make today, too. I simply cannot have the "best of both worlds" in every decision I make. Some decisions ultimately may not turn out to be the best but if I have faith in my decision-making process and confidence in the decisions I reach, that's really all I can ask for. I find peace with that as well.
"A quiet conscience makes one strong!" ~ Helen Keller
Think about what I've said here: I have no regrets about the past and I am confident in my present decision-making process. This mindset opens the door to a feeling of freedom about the future, and it strips away the power my fear and anxiety have over me. This all makes me believe that I am exactly where I belong and headed right where I need to be...and I could not be more at peace.
You know that guy in the circus who spins plates atop the skinny, pointed rods? He sets out spinning just one, finds its balance point and spins it like crazy. Then another and another. But at several points he has to break this routine to return to the previously balanced plates; they are beginning to lose balance. The process continues until several plates are spinning in unison. It's really sort of crazy.
That's how I feel life is at times...when I let it. I have competing forces at work in my mind. One force has me sorting through the mounds and mounds of ideas I intend to see through, searching for the starting and balance points, while the other force is my life's time clock. I am perishable and there are only so many of these ideas that I can see through to completion. It is a constant battle, not of good versus evil, but of life versus death. I want to treat life like a verb and experience everything I possibly can before my time expires. It takes balance.
"Balance is the homeostasis of the human spirit. On one side is the joy of actually living life, and the other is the fear you can't do enough in this short time." ~ Jason Huntsinger
So I run back and forth, spinning the plates trying to maintain their balance. Here's the kicker in it all...I feel like that's all I'm really doing at times: standing in one place spinning plates. I've written and posted about the value of action and it seems to be a recurring thought for me. As each day passes I'm beginning to realize I need to reduce the number of plates I'm spinning so that I can spend less time running back and forth.
That really is the tough part because I find value in every idea that occupies my mind: writing my book, starting my magazine, exercising my body, building a loving relationship, turning my life to personal training, pursuing stable employment for benefits and retirement...they are all important in their own sense and work together to create this vision of my life from here forward. If I focus on just one or two ideas, in an effort to minimize the clutter, I feel the ideas abandoned truly don't deserve that fate. Nor do I.
Balance can be the toughest, on-going life task to master. Will any of us really master it? Is our pursuit of this mastery just a pointless, upsetting practice we're placing on ourselves? What if I don't get to do everything I ever wanted to do in this life? Here is the fix: focus on what you can do in this life and put everything into it. While it may not be quite as dramatic as a circus act analogy, it will be more productive in creating your own fulfilling lifestyle. You see, by reducing our effort in any given task--by being too preoccupied in moving on to the next--we fail to really experience it. Our focus is drawn away. The "up" side of our spiritual homeostasis is cut short because we've closed off our receptors to living life in this moment. What we're left with is the counterbalancing "down" side wrought with worry that the day is passing, we're another year older and we've lost yet another opportunity to do it all.
Perhaps today I will let a couple of these plates slow to a stop then stack them nicely in the corner for the future. Then I will go back and spin the holy hell out of the remaining plates!
"Change is constant in life and will manifest itself in one of two ways: your environment will change forcing you to adapt, or you will change forcing your environment to adapt. Whichever the case, seek the opportunity to grow." ~ Jason Huntsinger
Today's post is sparked by change that came my way recently. Uninvited, unexpected, unnecessary and unyielding...but it came anyway. My environment changed beyond my control which forced me to adapt. As I've mentioned before, I loathe passivity yet this is what my option is now. I tried and tried, perhaps to a fault, to fight this change with words, actions and emotions, but here I am adapting to a change I disagree with.
The fact of the matter is that change will always be part of our lives. It is likely one of the only constants in life. Change is everywhere and, as the quote states above, we really have two options here. One is as I am forced to do now: adapt. This is our response when the environment we live in changes around us. The company we work for closes or suffers layoffs, someone we love ends our relationship, or we suffer the consequences of a failure. Trying to adapt to change can be petrifying, devastating or just plain burdensome; nonetheless it comes and doesn't back off even when we react with one of these sensations.
The other version of change is much more proactive. It's the instigation of change. A challenge to the status quo of our lives. This type of change is what prompts us to finally take a stand and fight for ourselves, lose weight, stop smoking, change careers or even detach from the negative influences in our lives. This is how we ignite a spark of change...ourselves. Passivity versus action. Adapting versus igniting. When we are the force of change we choose the environment that surrounds us.
Granted, we don't always have control of every situation in our lives. Some instances are give and take. Perhaps you've read my previous post on the state of calm. But to some extent we can employ our senses, intuition, experience and education to foresee and preempt the change coming our way.
"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." ~ Leo Tolstoy
I am going to be a little bold here and say that those of us who don't think change is as prevalent as I claim are merely experts at adapting to it, and fail to see the opportunities to ignite their own change. Taking the examples above--layoffs, relationships, failure--think back and see how taking a proactive approach to life could have prevented a passive adaptation. Now try to understand how playing catch-up to the changing environment is stripping you of the opportunities to plan the route to your own goals, and accomplish everything you intend to in this life.
"You have exactly one life in which to do everything you'll ever do. Act accordingly." ~ Colin Wright
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." ~ Reinhold Niebuhr
How many times have you seen this shortened version of the Serenity Prayer and just breezed right over it? Many, many times for me. I see it often in the Quote of the Day blogs and postings I read. And, to be honest, I like it. Recently I took a little extra time to think about it though. I like to completely understand the use of words in certain quotes and this was one of them. Serenity: the state of being calm, peaceful and untroubled. This is a plea for more than serenity and courage. It is really a plea for wisdom.
Starting at the beginning, there is a great deal of peace in the idea of the first line. All too often I think we struggle with this concept. It can be difficult to sit back and admit we cannot change something. Effort becomes meaningless. To think that if we try our damnedest to change a situation and it still might not change can leave us feeling less than serene.
I much prefer the second line. Action. Courage. Grant me the courage to challenge the status quo and shake things up. Grant me the courage to put the brakes on this life and start fresh. I prefer action over passivity and accepting things "as is."
What about that third line? Isn't that really the hardest part of the entire equation? It seems those of us who prefer action may have the hardest time deciding at the fork in the road. Our impulse is to seek action and make the change. Whereas, those who prefer to accept what comes their way may disproportionately choose to just accept life.
"Change is constant in life and will manifest itself in one of two ways: your environment will change forcing you to adapt, or you will change forcing your environment to adapt. Whichever the case, seek the opportunity to grow." ~ Jason Huntsinger
Where is that balance? How do you know when you reach that point? I struggle to find it because I'd much rather prefer to direct change than adapt to something beyond my control. It is tough to concede that I can't control an aspect of my life. But, alas *heavy sigh* it's true. Understanding this about myself, and life in general, is perhaps the first step in attaining this wisdom which will allow me to find peace. The fact of the matter is that change is a given. Everything changes. Situations change. People change...sometimes overnight. We are all on this journey to find the balance and, ultimately, our own state of being calm.
"A true partnership is not a 50/50 proposition. It's a work of art; a balance of ebb and flow between two people whether in love or in business. But, that's the beauty of the partnership and it cannot succeed without give and take on both sides." ~ Jason Huntsinger
Partnerships are a tricky science. They're tricky in the sense that there is a constant flow of balance; the balance of ebb and flow. When working properly there is a shift, back and forth, in such a subtle way that you really don't notice it. Your partner might feel stressed because of a project and you sense this, so you pick up some of the slack to alleviate any added stress. Likewise, your partner might reciprocate when she senses the need. Sounds like a relationship, doesn't it?
What makes a partnership different from a relationship is that it is not merely reactive. A solid partnership is a collaboration of two people inspiring each other to reach their true potential, supporting them as they push the boundaries and actively seeking ways to add value to the partnership. These two are not merely co-workers or friends; they understand the thoughts and intentions of one another, believe in each other and work to anticipate their partner's needs.
What becomes really amazing about a partnership is that this proactive anticipation has a tendency to create a need for one another. That type of unexpected dependency can be scary for some. Strong-willed and intelligent people see this as a detraction from their individualistic drive. On the contrary, that view takes a pessimistic interpretation of the ebb and flow balance of the world. Rather than focusing on what appears to be a loss of individuality, one ought to focus on the added value. One does not take away from the other as much as one adds to the other. Conversely, a true partner, in every sense of the word, is dedicated to building up his partner, as excited to see her succeed as he is to see himself succeed; as much as individuals as partners.
"You are one foot and I the other. We are each capable of moving forward on our own, but the effects of a unisonous effort are exponential. Stride with me through this life and together we become more, appreciate more and discover more to love." ~ Jason Huntsinger
How many of us believe we are masters at networking in the workplace, but disappear into the shadows when we're off stage and change out of our work clothes? Admittedly, I am...at least I admit to the latter part of that. As I've posted before, networking is all about relationships. Business or not, it is about interpersonal relationships. It's about getting to know someone and talking to them in terms they appreciate and find interest in.
"The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other is insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned." ~ Dale Carnegie
The principles of networking work outside the network, and it starts with a sincere and genuine interest in someone. Let me tell you about a friend I met who exudes this idea. His name is Ironman Dave. That's how I will always know him anyway. We met through a social media app and found a common interest in triathlon. I soon learned IM Dave had an apparent zest for life. His trademark smile and "rock on" pose adorned several pictures on this social media app. From several hundred miles away his energy shone through.
I was fortunate enough to meet Dave in person in Arizona during Ironman Arizona. His smile made the trip with him. He had organized a breakfast meet-and-greet for several people on this social media app. When Dave talks to you he looks at you, asks questions and acknowledges your responses. Dave knows how to network.
"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." ~ Dale Carnegie
A few instances since have demonstrated the type of man Dave is. Posts of encouragement from the bedside of a friend in the hospital, messages leading up to and during my first half-Ironman race, and simply wearing a shirt I gave him while heading to Europe.
Why is this important? Because this is true networking. Dave is a superior athlete to me, has completed more races and is a more successful businessman. But, this is about developing and advancing an interpersonal relationship, not connecting with someone for what they can provide you. You simply cannot network in or out of the network if your intentions are disingenuous.
I guarantee that if you practice networking in real life with real friends, the workplace show will only come that much easier and genuine.
This morning I came across a quote by Jim Rohn and instantly enjoyed a particular part. He wrote:
"Every life form seems to strive to its maximum except human beings. How tall will a tree grow? As tall as it possibly can. Human beings, on the other hand, have been given the dignity of choice. You can choose to be all or you can choose to be less. Why not stretch up to the full measure of the challenge and see what all you can do?" ~ Jim Rohn
The idea within the quote that I absolutely love is how tall a tree will grow: As tall as it can! More specifically, I love how a tree grows. I love how trees dig their roots into the earth to create a stable footing, and then reach for the sky. As a tree grows so does its root system. It is absolutely amazing to me to see a tree reach through the canopy to capture the sunlight. Or, to see a tree that has altered its growth, moving around an object, to reach higher.
The object of our reach is relative, but the lessons learned from a tree show that we can move towards and still reach a goal, yet alter our path. Have you ever really stopped to notice the strength and nobility in a single tree? It's inspiring. Hermann Hesse wrote this about trees:
"In their highest boughs the world rustles, their roots rest in infinity; but they do not lose themselves there, they struggle with all the force of their lives for one thing: to fulfill themselves according to their own laws, to build up their own form, to represent themselves." ~ Hermann Hesse
I remember first coming across this writing. I admire the imagery and simple idea here. A tree embeds its roots into the earth to grow and reach and withstand the turmoil that exists above. As the tree grows, reaching higher into the world, the base grows to provide more footing. That base is either wide or deep, depending on the tree, and offers stability. Stability and strength are two different things. Yet we often live life like standing on the edge of the beach with our feet shallowly buried in the sand. When the water recedes back into the ocean, washing away the sand around our feet, we clinch our toes in an effort to overcome the force. Our base is inadequate.
Living life like a tree, we are able to work around obstacles on our way to reach the sunlight through
the canopy only after we establish our base and set our roots: integrity, confidence, humility, courage, self-worth. These are just a few of the traits necessary and essential to grow like a tree. The roots must grow along with our trunk. Stability and strength. Life can be tiring, frustrating and hurtful. We can try and try, yet fail. Once we begin to see this as part of setting our roots, it begins to make sense. And, we can push even higher towards that sunlight as our base grows, too.
When you look at a tree what do you notice first? Likely, you notice the height and strength and solidness. The tree hides the signs of tough years and lean growth in its rings. It builds another ring around these hardships to become stronger, the roots reach farther and the tree grows that much closer to its sunlight.
"Like a tree I have endured years of drought and harsh storms, each challenging me; yet here I stand, solitary and proud, looking up to the sky where the sunlight brings a new day. Life is lived here, in the treetops." ~ Jason Huntsinger
I'm always inspired by this concept: You can do anything if you put your mind to it. While I understand the motivational intent of the concept, I also believe at some point, if things just don't line up properly, we should move on. It's not quitting; it's just not beating our heads against the wall anymore.
In this world we are not alone. Like it or not, other people and their experiences must be factored into our decisions, and they must also be considered when deciding what goals to pursue. From our baseline energy or enthusiasm in pursing something we want, some other invested party -- a stakeholder -- can either imbue our energy or dilute it. I agree, wholeheartedly, that our attitude should not be altered by the external forces of the world, but the reality is that our pursuits are.
Having said that, here is the solution.
"When you can't change the direction of the wind - adjust your sails." ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Suppose you seek promotion in the company you currently work for and you are actively pursuing, and accomplishing, the prerequisite job requirements. For example, you complete your bachelor degree, acquire your PMP certification, gain experience by leading a project team and follow the company policies to the letter in order to receive outstanding performance evaluations. First of all, great job! You should be proud. But say the company doesn't give you the promotion. You've tried a few times but to no avail. What's the answer...quit trying and fall into whatever role they want you to be in? No.
The same is true in interpersonal relationships. You might do everything you can imagine to form a bond with someone to share the lifetime of love we all desire. That special someone who knows everything about you -- all your flaws, failures, disappointments, loves and quirks -- and still sees you with complete acceptance, but you just can't "promote" to the next level. What's the answer...quit trying and remain in a relationship that is less than incredible? No.
The answer is -- if this is something you truly desire -- adjust your sails to reach it. This will require change, but change can be good. Don't focus on what you're losing, that only creates excuses to remain. Instead, focus on new opportunities to meet your goals. Find a new job in which you can promote. Say goodbye to the limiting forces in your life. Find someone new who can invest as much into you as you do to them. It's scary and it hurts, but you deserve it. Acceptance is an essential feeling to experience. It leads to appreciation which, as mentioned above, imbues the energy and enthusiasm inside us all.
I spent the morning reading Colin Wright's new book, Act Accordingly. It was a nice morning. There I sat in my favorite coffee shop (which, by the way, I find myself in more often than not) drinking coffee and reading this book. The fact is that I spend a fair amount of time in that same coffee shop reading, writing, thinking and planning. The common topic is my life, or more specifically rebuilding my life.
I tend to be drawn to writings about failure and using it as a learning tool. I have failed in my life. I've had the occasional "whoops" failures and mistakes, and I've had a "what the f--k were you thinking" failure. The latter is the impetus for the hours spent in the coffee shop.
Chapter 4 of Colin's book -- Let's Fail Until We Don't -- addresses this. As I read through the chapter I came across one line that struck me. Colin wrote, "Of course, it's easier to theorize about challenges being useful than actually going out and finding, facing and overcoming them." There I sit, hour upon hour, thinking and writing and planning. There I sit. It is much easier to think and plan than it is to do. I can romanticize some great rebirth or reincarnation like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. I can control that part. Even as I write this, I realize that this is a spin-off of the Action post I wrote a few months back.
"Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take the step."
I realize perhaps I tend over-analyze. There are a million reasons it might not be the right time to act, and I think I try to find them all. But really, if we fail somehow in our lives the only real failure exists if we fail to get back up. That takes action. As the quote above reminds us, just take that first step. Rebuilding from failure is all about the transition. It's a more involved process, of course, but the crux of the process is transitioning from thinking and planning to doing.
What barriers keep us from taking that step? I could list several but they would all be external influences and, in reality, not barriers at all. The only true barrier that prevents us from acting is ourselves. We find excuses based on embarrassment or shame, fear of further failure, or even a lack of confidence. The antidote attribute is resilience. Resilience is the effort it takes to take that step. It is the effort to hold our head up again and stand tall. Resilience is the effort to keep chasing your dreams. Resilience is that little voice in your head saying, "Don't give up no matter how hard you fell."
"It is important to stand up again post-failure. Our dreams and goals are only visible on the horizon when we stand tall with our head high." ~ Jason Huntsinger
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin... But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, still time to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." ~ Alfred Souza
Recently, while discussing ideas for my book with my very close friend, I talked about the concept of life carrying you along to the point that you lose track of where you're headed. She mentioned the term "Niagara Syndrome." It sounded interesting. The Niagara Syndrome is actually from Anthony Robbins' book, Awaken the Giant. Basically, the syndrome is when people get caught up in the river of life and lose control of where they are headed. By the time they realize it, it's too late.
Here is my question: How the hell do you get out of the river once you fall in? Depends at what point you fall in or at what point you recognize it, I suppose. At some point, going over the edge is inevitable, right? If you happen to fall in, and recognize the misstep early enough, the correction is much less panicked.
So, perhaps the first step is to keep checking your progress. Often, it seems, if things are moving too fast then odds are you're in the river already and don't realize it. You'll feel a loss of control. But, if you keep an eye on your goals and surroundings you're more likely to notice the misstep. It comes down to assessing and reassessing your position, constantly. A misstep, noticed early enough, gives you time to look ahead, plan a correction and act on it. The self-saving can be calculated.
What if the misstep is too far downriver or you don't realize it until you hear the roar of the falls ahead? You really have two options: fight like hell or fall with cognition. One approach sends you into a panic and threatens your ability to stick to your principles. The other, albeit less than ideal, allows you to learn from the situation, prepare for the fall and regroup.
So many euphemisms here, let me explain. Sometimes we get caught up in a behavior, good or bad, and lose sight of where we're headed. This could be something as simple as letting our ego guide the way. The earlier we recognize that the behavior is not consonant with our goals the easier it is to fix. But, at some point it may be too late and we fail or hit bottom...the falls. When this becomes inevitable the best course of action is to accept the path and begin to learn from the mistakes. It's a crazy balance between pride, control, drive and acceptance. Fighting to swim back upstream is filling your mind with regret. There is no way to rewrite the past or turn back time. There is no way to swim up a waterfall.
"In the end you really have no choice but accept what happens in your life. The only choice is whether you accept what it is now or look back and accept what it was then." ~ Jason Huntsinger
Recently, I was fortunate enough to meet with Elke Govertsen, publisher of Mamalode Magazine, to discuss PositivelyBusiness Magazine. She is such a real and dynamic personality! One of the things she said that has really resonated with me is that it's important to understand we are in this spectrum and just as we look to others as mentors, there is always someone looking up to us as a mentor.
This is really such a powerful concept that helps me to understand there is no end to the spectrum of business and success. Some people climb this ladder of success carelessly crushing others below them yet never breaking sight of the top rung. Yet others understand you never really climb a rung without someone providing a helping hand, and reciprocate that "hand up" to those following in their steps, too. That's Elke.
"As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others." ~ Audrey Hepburn
Living your life, both personally and professionally, with this mindset is a wonderful way to remember the importance of the journey and not so much the destination. I am a motivated individual, but I understand that no one makes this journey through life alone. Every successful person has had help...every single one. I've mentioned before that success is really a subjective term but think about it for just a moment. Every great leader has had someone who mentored them at some stage in their progression to success. It could be someone already in their respective field, a religious influence, a parent, a teacher, etc.
Conversely, even though you might not believe you've reached a level in life that meets your aspirations I guarantee there is someone behind you looking for guidance. Someone who looks at your position and aspires to be there. What better way to remain grounded in life? What better way to help you appreciate this journey? More importantly, what better way to truly be successful in this life than to build up those around you?
What I believe is that there is no "top" rung in this ladder of success. It is an endless spectrum and we are merely a dot. We look ahead to help find our way but must never forget to stop and look back to share what we've learned. We are scouts for the next generation.
"Alexander the Great valued learning so highly that he used to say he was more indebted to Aristotle for giving him knowledge than to this father Philip for life." ~ Samuel Smiles
There is no end to the spectrum. Mentoring those around us is essential to our own personal success. Our time on this earth is limited but the impact of imparting knowledge and experience to our kids or our successors is timeless.
I believe in the concept that failure is a part of success. You will never truly appreciate success and happiness unless you know the feeling of failure. Some failures are hiccups and part of the learning curve while others are the product of grossly negligent decisions or malfeasance. Nonetheless, neither of these results are permanent although some failures are more difficult to rebound from.
"It's not how far you fall, but how high you bounce back that counts." ~ Zig Ziglar
Failure is the easy part in the equation. Finding the resilience to rebound is the tough part. What drives someone to get back up? Sometimes it seems easier to just lay there, breathing in the dirt, with your eyes closed hoping no one was looking. But, inevitably, they were. Why do we get back up? It's hard and it's embarrassing.
I'm inspired by the idea that I have the potential to do something great in my life. I'm not sure what that it yet, but it is imminent. Perhaps I will see through my goal of becoming a personal trainer and helping others change their lives. Perhaps I will create and run a business that will set the bar for corporate philanthropy. Perhaps I will be a great father and model the right balance of love, acceptance and encouragement for my kids to change the world. Greatness is personal and a superb motivator.
"My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure." ~ Abraham Lincoln
That begs the question, are there great people or great just opportunities? It seems to me that we all begin life the same way. We all face somewhat similar choices throughout our early lives. Where we differ is how well we reason through these choices, which is the primary factor in how far we fall. But at the root of it all we are all human beings with the same opportunities. Opportunity is the optimist's word for choice.
When you feel driven by greatness, in whatever form that may be, you begin to see every choice as an opportunity. The people who become known as great have learned to make better choices and seize opportunities. And, that is where life is truly lived, in the moments of personal greatness. That's why we keep getting up. That's why we brush ourselves off, spit the dirt out of our mouths and refocus our sights ahead. Opportunities are much easier to see when you stand with your head held high, rather than laying in the dirt and defeated.
"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything--all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure--these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important." ~ Steve Jobs
One of my favorite books is Enthusiasm Makes the Difference, by Norman Vincent Peale. This was one of the first books I read on my journey to a positive attitude and better life. What I found is there are really two benefits of acting with enthusiasm--external and internal. The external benefits show up in how you deliver something you genuinely care about. It's contagious and persuasive. I've noticed that this past week while training a new employee. My partner and I built our store from nothing and are so very proud of it. I feel this passion coming through when I explain even the most mundane tasks and expectations to the new employee. That is what makes the difference, isn't it? Anyone can regurgitate information, but it takes a genuine and passionate interest in something to deliver it with enthusiasm.
"I truly believe that enthusiasm makes the difference between success and failure." ~ Norman Vincent Peale
The other side of the coin is the internal power of changing the way you live life. Enthusiasm is the arch enemy of fear and worry. It is an "intense and eager enjoyment or interest" in something, thus adopting an enthusiastic attitude drives out negative emotion.
It can sometimes be tough to find positivity day after day when you're going through tough times. The beauty of developing an enthusiastic attitude is that it causes you to view everything differently, but it starts with just one thing. It's not about searching for something to feel happy about. I know, firsthand, that during the darkest times it can be hard to find even a glimmer of light to feel grateful about.
"The men who do the most with their lives are those who approach human existence, its opportunities and problems, with a confident attitude and enthusiastic point of view." ~ Norman Vincent Peale
Living with enthusiasm is a way to completely change your perspective. It becomes motivating. Even in the darkest moments there is always something you enjoy. Focus your enthusiasm on that one task. I mean really focus your thoughts on this task and allow the keenness to develop. The feeling will grow. Rather than trying to change how you look at the things around you, which are likely a cause of the ill feelings, just pick one task you already enjoy and do it with intent. Do you see the difference? Enthusiasm will naturally flow and become the motivator. It will precipitate the change you need.
Your life is not meant to be lived in mediocrity. It's meant to be lived with emphatic exuberance. When you find enthusiasm you find motivation.
Do you ever wonder whether you deserve to be as happy as you want to be? I do. My problem is that I judge whether my past choices and mistakes earn me the right to be happy now. What gives me the right? Have I earned it? I know I'm not alone here...
"I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends." ~ Walt Whitman
This may sound ridiculous to some people, but I believe that's just because the topic is happiness. Think about it in other terms such as praise. Have you ever received praise and just didn't feel you deserved it? If so, what makes this different? The difference is who bestows the recognition. When someone else praises us, tells us we did a great job or are a great employee, we might blush and say we don't deserve it, but it feels good and we accept it. Odds are we'll probably share it with someone later, too. Someone else looked at us and made a determination that we deserved to feel good about ourselves. That's the whole point of them sharing this praise. They saw something good in us and made the decision to point it out. Now, admit it...it felt great, didn't it?
What do you see when you look in the mirror? Take a look and try to see the person looking back at you objectively. Do you see mistakes and failures? Yes. Do you see struggle and conflict? Sometimes. Do you see good intentions and genuine potential? Absolutely! Despite all this, could you find something wonderful to say to the person you see? Good.
We are our fiercest critics in life, aren't we? In fact, I believe we are our biggest impediments in life, too. We constantly get in out own way because we somehow feel the need to tie our happiness and success to an interpretation of what we feel we deserve.
"We cannot achieve more in life than what we believe in our heart of hearts we deserve to have." ~ James R. Ball
To break free of this practice we must first remove any such weight from our intentions and potential as well as our mistakes. The burden of trying to legitimize our happiness falls not on finding reasons we don't deserve to be happy but rather recognizing the plethora of reasons we have the right to be happy. No matter what your religion the fact remains that every single day we see a sunrise or sunset, smell a flower, hear someone laugh, taste our favorite food or feel an embrace is an absolute miracle. We live a miracle every single day and the only way to appreciate a miracle is to smile and give thanks. Try being unhappy with that mindset!
What gives me the right to be happy? What gives me the right NOT to be happy?
"We have the ability to change our minds at any given moment. Why would it be any different to change our lives?" ~ Jason Huntsinger
It seems to me that in life we set out on this path and somewhere along the line we make a choice that takes us in a different direction. This isn't always bad, and in fact it can be an absolutely wonderful thing. Adapting to changing situations is a admirable trait that will add to a more joyful life. But sometimes a choice leads us off in the wrong direction. We may not know it at the time but we start to build momentum in this direction. Gravity takes over. We begin to make choices that compound on one another and build more momentum, making it seem almost impossible to stop. One choice after another.
It's true in all aspects of life and business. Think about it for a second. This is how people start smoking, gain weight, do drugs, lie, cheat or even cut corners. The first choice is the hardest because it is outside our normal behavior but the subsequent choices become easier because we build momentum. Until we choose to change paths we only get farther and farther from the life we truly want.
"It's never too late to be what you might have been." ~ George Eliot
We make choices all day, every day. We can change our minds about any of those choices, too. I want to this instead. I want that for dinner. My quote at the top of the page asks a simple question - why would it be any different to change our lives? It's not! Our current position is merely the culmination of our choices to this point...nothing more. There is nothing preventing us from making a different choice right now to get the on the life track we want to be on. Sure it might take some effort because it requires change. It requires jumping off the path of least resistance with confidence so we can hold our heads up and see the right path.
Are you in the shape you want to be in? Are you in the line of work you really want? Do you eat healthy? Are you known for being kind and helpful? There are so many choices to make every single day, but it is never too late to make that first one today.
Think back to the choice that set you on this path and now look back at the second paragraph for a moment. Just like when we started heading down this path in life, the first choice was the hardest because it was outside our normal behavior. Change is choice. The choice we need to make to get back on track is the hardest. Beyond that first choice we will begin to build momentum in a new direction. We'll define new goals and find a new routine to meet those goals. One choice leads to two and they compound.
It truly is never too late to be who you want, do what you want, or become what you want. This is no ones life but your own.
I'm a little intrigued by the idea of action versus passivity. Even the word--passivity--seems so pliable to me. In my mind it conjures up images of a leaf fluttering through the air, slave to a gentle breeze without control of where it may land. I have long thought of the idea of passivity as synonymous with being void of any driving motivation. A state in which someone simply succumbs to any pressure or influence. A state in which some one's very existence is decided by someone or something else. Yes, I've had pretty harsh thoughts about it.
As such, I've felt conflicted between the life concepts of taking action and going with the flow. In a previous post I wrote about this and the locus of control. Perhaps I tend to think in terms of all or nothing. I'm here to admit there is a flaw in my thought process and the two need not be mutually exclusive. Action can, and does, exist in passivity. I've heard two comments recently that precipitate this entry...
"I hope to enjoy what's left of my life."
"I'm just trying to get through the day."
Both of these statements initially struck me as sad. They seemed to explain a sadness and loss of control. I pictured the people who said these as simply lost and unsure whether they had a say in where their lives were headed. Passivity. But, action can, and does, exist in passivity.
Passivity is "being the subject of action rather than causing action" (Dictionary.com). Think of it like this. A stone that becomes swept up in a stream's current has no say in the direction it moves, but it becomes active in movement rolling and bashing into everything in its way. A rolling stone gathers no moss. Action. A flag that flies in the wind has no say in the direction is flies, but it stands proudly at attention and flaps violently. Flags are designed to display their significance when in full flight. Action.
Your life, your surroundings, your situation or the people around you may have some say in the direction you travel, which may cause you to feel passive, but they have no control over the deliberateness of your movement in that direction.
"Things turn our best for those who make the best of the way things turn out." ~ John Wooden
Passivity merely describes your resistance to the influence and not your ability to take control of the opportunity for excellence before you. We may not all have the exact same opportunity for greatness but greatness is completely subjective. Absolutely nothing prevents us from taking action to be great in whatever we choose to do along this path in life. Be the rock in the river, roll with intent and smash into your obstacles. Be the flag in the wind, fly proud and flap harder and faster than any other. Be you, live with intent and pride, and be the absolute best you possible.
Action. Passivity. Opportunities. Choices. Life is a wonderful mix of them all.
"The intentions of your entire life may become overshadowed by your actions in the next 5 minutes." ~ Jason Huntsinger
I'm becoming more and more interested in the concept of personal branding. Perhaps it's a sign of the times that we need to develop and manage our brand because we live our lives online. The ease in which we document our daily activities creates a trail of digital permanency, good or bad, that may never go away.
Think about that quote above for a moment and ponder this: If you don't create a brand to tell your story then who will? Why take a passive role in this process?
There are two key issues in developing and maintaining your personal brand. First, is that the brand or image you're creating must be legitimate. Certainly there is room for interpretation here, but you cannot create an online image of something you're not. This invalidates your word and brand immediately. When I say there is room for interpretation I mean we all have our own perceptions of the situations and circumstances in our lives. The old adage "don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes." You are the only one who knows the true and intimate details of your motivations and intentions. Hence the need to tell your own story rather than let someone else do it.
The second key issue is consistency. One of the reasons to brand or re-brand yourself is to tell the story of you. That story is not defined by a single act yet that one act may step to the front of the stage in the brightest spotlight. Once you draw attention to the entire story of YOU it becomes vitally important to be consistent in that story. This takes being smart. You can't purport to be one type of person and then act in a manner contrary to this. The intentions of your entire life may become overshadowed by your actions in the next 5 minutes. That warning is always there and never lets up. And that's true of the life you live online or offline. This also goes back to the legitimacy of the brand you're creating. If it is a facade it will become apparent with your actions. You can't keep living a lie nor can you build a foundation based on lies.
Here is the good news... It is never too late to begin this process. Sure, it might be a steeper climb to get out of the hole you've dug, but, "it is never too late to be what you might have been" (George Eliot). I love that quote. Life is fluid and ever-changing. If you can accept responsibility for your past choices and accept yourself for the potential you truly possess, it truly is never too late to create your brand and tell your story, write your story and design the life of your dreams.
Recently, on a return flight from Las Vegas to Missoula, I had the pleasure of meeting a male flight attendant named Dante. I tend to watch people when traveling and noticed something about Dante. He smiled often and was consistently courteous. Then I noticed something else. His name tag had a tag line: "Committed to Kindness". I immediately thought of Maya Angelou's quote.
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou
What a wonderfully bold tag line to add to a name tag. In my eyes it made his name synonymous with this declaration. A vow that he made to me and everyone else on board that plane. The truth is kindness does matter. One of my pet peeves is when someone makes the disclaimer, "I tell it like it is." Translation: "I don't care how I make you feel and I am likely going to say something rude."
This morning I read an article on fastcompany.com that led me to a blog by Cap Watkins. He is a web designer who moved to Oakland for work. He wrote about his attempt to meet other web designers in the Bay Area and it came down to one person's kindness. Great piece!
Cap's story is about networking. It's also a story about making friends and taking a chance, but the root of the matter is networking. Who wants to network with someone who is unkind? No one does. Networking, at it's essence, is a relationship between two people and when entering a relationship your interpersonal skills are a factor. Ever hear the statement, your reputation precedes you? People may hear about something you've done or something you've said, but when face-to-face with someone their true opinion of you will develop based on how you make them feel.
Are you committed to something so strongly that you are willing to make it synonymous with your name? If not, try kindness and watch the doors begin to open.
My partner told me about a situation she encountered yesterday. She received the wrong item when making a purchase. The answer was simple and, since she is the most honest person I've ever met, I knew she knew the answer was simple. It was a matter of integrity.
"Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody's going to know whether you did it or not." ~ Oprah Winfrey
This post is not about the importance of honesty and integrity. That's too obvious. This will be about who we choose to surround ourselves with. The energy and decisions of those around us affect us. My partner is the most genuine woman I have ever known. She exudes an innate kindness, heartfelt compassion and moral certainty that draws you in. I've met her parents...the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
The point is this: whether in our personal lives or business lives, it becomes vital to our own success and happiness to have people around us who naturally do the right thing. Each of us is an individual and only we can decide to be happy or not, but at a basic level our propensity to make this decision is influenced by our surroundings and those who come into our lives...even for just a moment.
I knew she'd make the right decision. In fact, it never even crossed my mind that she wouldn't. This sureness gave me reassurance to act similarly. Isn't it natural to want to surround ourselves with people whose moral compasses are so steady and definite that they inspire us to be better? That's an attribute of leadership and in some way, every single day, we act as leaders or followers either modeling or emulating behaviors.
Watch this video as a wonderful reminder of the cycle of modeling and emulating positive behaviors.
I've recently begun reading Lee Child's books featuring his character, Jack Reacher. I'm enjoying the way Child writes and describes situations. This morning I was reading the second book in the series, Die Trying, and got to a part in which Child described Reacher crawling through a narrowing cave in the side of a mountain. I literally found myself flying through the words in a panic.
Child does an amazing job describing Reacher, who is similarly sized to me, crawling, scraping and nudging his way, inch by inch, through a very narrow tunnel in complete and total darkness. At one point, the point where panic set in for me, Child describes the tunnel ending and being too narrow and shallow for Reacher to move his arms or get leverage to push backward and retreat. Reacher panicked. I panicked. It was one of the most riveting series of descriptions I've ever read. I was there with Reacher experiencing the situation and I couldn't stop until I found out what happened. Child painted the scene wonderfully.
A couple hours later I sat drinking my morning coffee and it hit me. I've never really read something that elicited such genuine emotion in me. I fretted for Reacher. I fretted for a situation that I felt myself in. What if I read something that elicited the opposite emotions? Why wait to read someone else's words to make me feel this way? What if I invested as much emotional intensity and focus on painting the scene for the life I want? Could I believe and visualize aspects of my own life with such fervent conviction? Of course I can!
I am challenging myself here. This train of thought is exactly in alignment with the Law of Attraction. "What we can conceive and believe, we can achieve." The Law of Attraction is an active approach to life, despite what the name implies. I can't simply sketch a picture of where, what or how I want to be. This would be such a perfunctory attempt to create my life. I've got to sit on the edge of my seat with my mind completely focused on this conception. I must block out the distractions around me; the naysayers, the critics, the myriad of interferences life throws my way and focus. I must paint the scene with such definition and certainty that I find myself there, just like I did with Reacher. I believe then, and only then, will I be able to truly bring it all together.
There seems to be two different ideologies out there concerning happiness and success. At times I have struggled to see how they're connected. Recently, in a discussion with my partner, I mentioned my opinion that these ideologies seem to conflict with one another. The topic concerns an upcoming decision I feel I need to make. She, in yet another example of her brilliance, named the dilemma I was finally realizing.
In terms of happiness, some common thoughts revolve around the idea that we should make the best of any situation.
"Bloom where you are planted."
"Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out."
I understand the mentality here. I've been in situations in which I repeated these thoughts to myself and they've helped. I believe there is always a glimmer of hope in a situation if you train yourself to look for it. In doing so, you train your mind to begin to see beyond the undesirable qualities of a particular circumstance. But, my problem with this ideology is that it almost seems passive. It's a "sit back and accept" mentality. I disagree with that.
Conversely, the other ideology focuses on making the effort to succeed. It's about taking that leap of faith to create the life of your dreams.
"Control your own destiny or someone else will."
"The best way to predict the future is to create it."
This mentality is one of action. One of grabbing life by the horns and making it what you want. Do you see the contrast here? It's acceptance versus action. I am at the point in my life where I find real value in being the captain of my ship. This is my life. And, this one moment in time is a gift to me. Why not make it the life I want it to be? No one else but me has the responsibility or opportunity to make it worthwhile.
This is my dilemma: I find value in both ideologies depending on the situation. My partner named this for me. It's called Locus of Control. This is a term used to describe whether someone feels in control of what happens to them. That definition seems results-oriented, an afterthought.
I know I look at life with an internal locus of control. I choose to place more practical value on framing my decisions with this mentality. I know that I prefer to take an affirmative role in my life and make decisions. I want to control what happens to me. I also accept responsibility for the successes and failures that come from those decisions. But the bottom line is that I want to create the life of my dreams. After all...
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."
There is significant power in putting the past behind you, and focusing on this moment. The past is over and can never be changed, the future is unknown and the only thing we have is this moment. As reminders, there are countless quotes, blogs, videos and books about the value of failure, and using failure as a learning tool.
"Those who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try nothing and succeed." ~ Lloyde Jones
I get that. I understand that failure is a sign of action, and action trumps everything. In fact, I find inspiration in the stories of the great and influential people who had once failed to some degree. Take this video for example...
Here's what I see. All of the examples in this video involve some one's judgment of another which led to a perceived "failure." They didn't reach their goal. Someone told them they were worthless. Stupid. Not good enough. A failure. At times we perceive a failure when someone or something gets in our way. But, what about the other kind of failure? The kind we bring on ourselves? Is there a difference between a good failure and a bad one? Failure is a subjective term, and completely relative to the person feeling this sensation. What I've learned is a failure is only bad if you fail to learn from it.
There are certainly different levels of failure, don't get me wrong. Some failures result in other people getting hurt. Those around us who love us. This is more of a breach of trust. But true personal failure, it seems, is subjective. We all have different ideas of what we consider failure to be. Success means different things to different people, too. Life is a continuous learning process, which may never be truly perfected. And, in order to recover from a failure we must have a desire to learn from it and move on. This requires us to take responsibility for the actions and choices leading to the failure, and resolving to never give up. It's been reported that Thomas Edison experimented with more than 1,500 elements while improving the electric light bulb. He never gave up. Treat life as he did the light bulb.
"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is to try just one more time." ~ Thomas Edison
When we categorize aspects of our lives as failures we apply a stigma to ourselves which drains our motivation. In John C. Maxwell's book, Failing Forward, he addresses the misconception that if we fail then we must be a failure. That is absurd! Life is process, not a single moment, and a single act will not define our life's work. Failure is but a moment in time that for some reason we attach so much weight and shame to.
In order to move beyond this self-imposed stigma, this one moment in time we repeatedly wear like a weighted vest, we've got to remain motivated. Motivated to grow, learn and succeed. Motivation is an internal driving force. Don't you see that in order for us to overcome this stigma that we place on ourselves, we need to generate the motivation to overcome it. It is completely within our control, and it places the power of redemption within us. My motivation is my belief that I am better than any of my failures. The source behind our motivation is a desire to do better. Do you have that desire? The desire to break free of the failure?
What if we just stopped calling all of the mistakes, poor choices and disappointments in our lives failures? What if we called them lessons? What if, rather than feeling shame for not succeeding, we critically examine the situation and our choices, readily claim responsibility and take the next step to use the situation as a stepping stone? We could bypass the notion that we failed in the first place and simply view this as an opportunity to learn. That is powerful.
I'll finish here with a short video. The animated movie Meet the Robinsons shares a wonderful message in response to failure--Keep Moving Forward! There are so many moments in our lives that we could celebrate for the learning opportunity, rather than become paralyzed with shame. Failure is subjective. It's just a title we place on ourselves when we don't succeed. But, the really amazing thing about subjectivity is that we can simply change our perception.
Lately I've been drawn to videos of wingsuit flying. Aside from the obvious (seeing a human flying at 150 miles per hour down a mountain), something else seems to draw my attention so honestly. It's the fact that I have a genuine interest in seeing people push themselves past their comfort zone to achieve a goal. The following video got my attention...
What I find so incredible about this man, whose name is Espen Fadnes, are the motions and emotions he shares, both verbally and physically--excitement, fear, honesty and preparation. The image of him standing on the edge of the cliff working through the routine of the flight he is about to take literally takes me to the edge of my seat. What he says makes him real to me. "People who've seen me about to fly off a cliff say I look perfectly calm. It's the complete opposite. I'm terrified. I've just developed techniques and methods to cope with the fear."
This man is about to jump off of a cliff and perform a feat he has probably done hundreds of times, and he is talking about using techniques to overcome fear. At some point this feat was a goal for him. How many of us have fears about reaching our goals? I do. I've read many books about business and success on my journey. One common theme is to focus on achieving your goal. That is one of those ideologies that can be easier said than done.
It is easy to sit at a table with a nice cup of coffee and plan out some sort of life plan for success. "In a perfect world I will do this, and they will do that, and then I will do this." The work comes when we try to put that plan into effect. Other factors don't always cooperate. But the solution is not to simply stop dreaming or planning. Let's look at how Fadnes works a dream into a reality. There are some lessons to be learned.
First he works up the plan. He maps out the location and terrain, and then figures the most natural route. Notice when he maps out the route it is the path of least resistance. That is how our plans for success should be, too. He doesn't try to gain elevation to overtake a ledge. He doesn't try to smash through a mountain. He maneuvers his body to work around it. One turn after another. A concert of choices leading to a path of least resistance. He has conceived his route to success.
Next he gathers the proper equipment. This may seem like an obvious step but how obvious is it in our own lives? Once we have a plan how well do we gather the right equipment to accomplish this plan? To facilitate our path of least resistance? I will leave this open-ended intentionally because it is YOUR plan and you need to find the tools to navigate the route that's best worked for you.
As he prepares to step off the cliff he goes through the routine again. This is a calculated approach to his success. Look at his body language. He is so fully focused on reaching his goal that he literally walks through the flight plan, moving his body in the motions he has planned out. He is visualizing the route to success, every step. The plan is set and he is committed to following it. There are no last minute changes he's making on the edge of the cliff. He believes mightily in his plan now so he rehearses it and lives it in his mind. Can we see ourselves living the plan we've developed? It's rather difficult to focus this intently on a plan we are only half committed to. If we can't see ourselves reaching the goal we are not ready to be standing on the edge of the cliff. Period.
And then, the jump. Fadnes says himself that he is "terrified" but he musters the courage to step off. This is a real man, like you and me, completely aware of the consequences of failure, but confident in the plan he has developed, the equipment he's gathered, and the movements he's calculated. He hasn't overcome fear with suppositions. He's overcome it with knowledge, planning, commitment and faith. These characteristics will allow him to achieve his goal. When we are at this point to leap off are we just as committed? More importantly, are we as enthusiastic about our commitment? He steps off hard! Once we reach this point in our lives, we should be so fully committed to our cause that we leap with determination as well. The goal is down there, through the path of least resistance, waiting for us now.
I know it can be terrifying to step off the cliff we see in front of us. I feel it often. I feel myself about to step off, looking down at my ravine (failure) and hoping that the plan I've developed works out. There are times I have to admit that I may not be ready. My belief should far outweigh my doubt. The "leap" is setting into motion a plan we've developed for our own success, however we define that word. Starting a business. Changing an attitude. Changing jobs. These are major life-changing events which, in order to become viable successes, require the steps above.
Today, practice this with some very minor goal. Something small. It takes practice to become comfortable. But it is doable. The choice is ours to reach our goals. No one else's. Go make your dream your reality.
"Whatever the mind of a man can conceive and believe, it can achieve." ~ W. Clement Stone
