Certainty

In my last blog I touched on the idea that developing a "what-if" attitude could open the door to a positive mindset and help begin the journey to realizing your dreams.  As I re-read it this morning I stopped on a particular line:

"What if I was wrong about tomorrow?"

What interests me about this line is the absolute certainty with which I've believed in the negative moments of my life.  I've literally told myself, "I'll never make $100k a year," "I'll never have that one true loving relationship that I've imagined," and "I'll never become a professional athlete."  I was so certain and negative about my future because I was in a rough spot, but what if I was wrong about tomorrow?  Each one of those statements represents a dream or goal I've had and when I became certain about my inability to reach them I essentially conceded defeat.  

Conceding defeat with this type of clairvoyant certainty is a nail in your coffin; it's giving up on yourself.  This type of certainty comes once you knowingly decide to give up on your dream. When is the last time you spoke of a dream with positive certainty rather then wishful possibility?

"I act with complete certainty. But this certainty is my own." ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein

To some extent, I believe in the law of attraction (conceive, believe, achieve).  Under this ideology it is impossible to achieve your dreams unless you believe in them...and yourself.  If you're certain they will never come to fruition then your certainty of failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Perhaps its time to flip the script you've created in your head?  Release the fingers wrapped around your neck choking the life from your future.  They're your fingers, my friend, no one else's.  Each finger is a negative statement about the certainty of your failure or inability, and the ramifications that today's failure voids tomorrow's dreams.  What if you are wrong about tomorrow?  What if you are on the brink of whatever it is you desire?  What harm would come to simply believe in yourself and deny the negative certainty that clouds you?  The answer is none.  It causes no harm...none.

"I like the scientific spirit--the holding off, the being sure but not too sure, the willingness to surrender ideas when the evidence is against them: this is ultimately fine--it always keeps the way beyond open--always gives life, thought, affection, the whole man the chance to try over again after a mistake--after a wrong guess." ~ Walt Whitman

Ask Yourself: What If?

I learned about a tactical mindset concept years ago in what seems like a different life...but the principles are applicable today as well. It's the idea that two mindsets exist: probability versus possibility. It's really somewhat rooted in statistics but it can literally set the tone for what you expect in your life.

On one hand, the idea of probability thinking tells you what to expect based on several factors, many of which are focused on the past. It's the idea that patterns of the past are pre-indicators to the future, which may very well be true if nothing is done to make a change. This type of thinking is safe for many people. It helps them to understand what will likely happen in the future. It's the framework for the status quo and, quite frankly, mediocrity.

On the other hand, possibility thinking is the discovery that the ceiling no longer exists. It's the idea that the future is unwritten, a blank slate as long as you possess the creativity and tenacity to pursue your dreams. It's shifting the focus to a mind-blowing realm of potential.

"Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon." ~ Paul Brandt

At a moment in my life when the future seemed bleak and uncertain, I met a friend who asked me, "What if you really don't know what the future will be?" Hmm, what if? What if I was wrong about tomorrow; what harm would it cause to believe in the possibility?  I hadn't drawn the connection between asking "what if" and the possibility mindset until recently but the application is spot on. Seeing the future, creating your path from here forward and finding your way begins with the phrase "What if?"

The application of this question is actually a wonderful entry point to a positive mindset. What harm would it cause to believe, even for just a moment, that you are on the brink of something truly great?  Of finally getting on the track to the life you've always dreamed of living?

"All things are possible until they are proven impossible." ~ Pearl S. Buck

I have a challenge for you. Ask yourself what it is you desire in your life and then ask, "What if...?" That's it, just start by asking that simple question and let your mind create the path. Purge all negative thoughts, block any objections and ask it. Use that phrase as a key to open your mind and flood it with the thoughts of what you'd hoped for as a child, worked for as a young adult, attempted to accomplish recently or desire for the future, and ask what if it all came true. Allow the possibility to re-enter your mind and rejoice in your imagination.

The opposition to optimism is negative self talk. The type of debilitating banter you would never utter to anyone but yourself. Developing a what-if attitude and a possibility mindset are the first objections to the negative banter. They break the mold of the humdrum and set the stage for the incredible. No one, and I mean NO ONE, can tell you that you can't do something...even you.

"I am too much of a skeptic to deny the possibility of anything." ~ Thomas Henry Huxley

Stop Trying to Find Your Happiness

At times over the last several years I've felt that I've been on a journey to find happiness.  Almost as if it's some elusive place I had only heard about but failed to find.  I've been extremely happy and proud in my life, don't get me wrong, but that feeling of absolute happiness in my life seemed to escape me.

"Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder..." ~ Henry David Thoreau

The search for happiness is filled with dead-ends and wrong road signs.  It's a maze of mediocrity.  I'd hoped I would round the corner again and again and there it would be...happiness.  I search ahead of my path and outside myself for something magical.  Everything I need to be happy is, in fact, right beneath my feet and in my heart.  I began to transition my thoughts from finding happiness to realizing what it is to be happy.  It's appreciation.

What I found was that a gap existed between those two mindsets.  On one hand, my search for happiness left me constantly feeling dissatisfied.  On the other hand, my realization that I needn't search anywhere produced instant satisfaction and appreciation.  The gap--the time it took to understand this--was a breeding ground for negative thoughts.

No matter what I did in my search I left the scene somewhat empty.  No "action" ever produced the happiness I thought I needed.  Happiness is not a action; it's a feeling.  Nothing could have possibly been around the next corner that would have caused me to end my search.  Nothing was good enough to satisfy what I believed I desired.  Repeated frustration and dissatisfaction were the air and water to make my negativity grow.

Conversely, happiness is the feeling of literally standing still and appreciating all that your senses are bringing in right now.  Nothing outside of your mind or heart will produce that feeling, so the realization comes when you understand the tools you need to refocus on positivity and the elements you need to make it grow already exist at this exact moment.

The gap between the two mindsets need not exist.  The ground where you once farmed negative thoughts can instantly become a garden of appreciation.  And, when the positive thoughts have taken over the mind begins to unleash a bounty of joy and happiness.

Stop trying to find your happiness in some other place and starting realizing only you hold the key to unlock the vault of happiness already inside you.

Follow the Bread Crumbs

I've been working on a book for the last four years, although in reality it's been 43 years in the making.  It's about attitude and failure but more specifically how the former affects the latter.  The title is: Falling is the Easy Part.  It is, in part, about failure but more importantly the realization that you'll face your own "now what do I do?" moment.  Life goes on but you need to make a choice first: succumb to the setback or discover the lesson.  The question is, how do you find a positive attitude after falling?  Follow the bread crumbs.

"In life, people trip.  Most people fall.  Some people turn that into a beautiful, beautiful dance." ~ John Mayer

For some reason many of us think of failure as a catastrophic event.  Almost as if it's an irrecoverable slippage from our track through life.  It's not.  We fail in some way nearly every single day.  Granted, there is a significant difference between failing to wake up at sunrise to exercise and failing as an employee by stealing--where deeper underlying character issues need to be resolved--but the point is we easily dismiss many trivial failures quickly.

The real issue here is not whether or not we fail; the issue is a two-step evaluation of the aftermath:

1. How well do we either harbor or jettison the feelings of failure?
2. How much did we value the opportunity?

We often hold on to the feelings of failure because we sulk in the thoughts that we won't realize the benefits of the opportunity had we succeeded.  The aftereffect I brood most about is how my failure might affect my kids' future.  Nothing has happened to justify these thoughts but I somehow continue to battle myself over thoughts of hypotheticals.

Let's take job loss for example.  You've been fired or laid off for some reason, so you reached the point of failure when you became incapable of meeting some expectation you set for yourself.  That expectation was born when you faced an opportunity and imagined the outcome and benefits.  With that you took a step in a new direction and here we are.

Falling down in life is the easy part.  It's the choice thereafter that becomes difficult: succumb to the setback or discover the lesson.  Succumbing to the setback is akin to hiding from life.  It's giving up.  It's using a single event to define an entire lifetime.  It's adopting a belief that everything leading up to that failure was a failure as well.  Such a fallacy!  There you stood weighing the benefits of the opportunity you chose to pursue., and all your actions and decisions up to that exact moment led you to that possibility.  How can you call that a failure?

The truly amazing part is that, believe it or not, you had already failed in some way prior.  Even in the most mundane sense you got on with things after failure and you succeeded again.  Don't you see that you really can overcome setbacks?  The crippling feeling you have now is just your mind fretting over the missed benefits of this opportunity.  That's what is causing you continued distress.  It's your mind focusing on what could have been.

The second option is to discover the lesson.  I can attest that sometimes it's unimaginable to believe something positive can come from failure.  Where do you begin to look for the positive?  In that case, look to the moment of failure and work backward.  Positive decisions and emotions led you to the brink of opportunity.  Now transition your thoughts away from what went wrong and focus on what went right.  Follow the bread crumbs back.  They are clues to help you find the happiness, positive characteristics, confidence and enthusiasm you had.  Only then will you be able to see the entirety of the situation and the path you took.  That is your lesson.

"Sadness is but a wall between two gardens." ~ Khalil Gibran

Recapturing the moment you stood on the brink of opportunity is the positive element I want to focus on.  Prior to your failure you discovered an opportunity and thought so highly of it that you decided to leave your comfort zone and reach for it.  Remember how it made you happy to imagine reaching this goal?  Happiness gave you the confidence to take that step.  Looking back at the job loss example, that job offer came after you stood tall in an interview and sold your abilities!  You convinced the hiring manager or owner that you brought some serious value to the game.  Look in the mirror now and tell me whether that's who you see today.  My bet is no.  Today you are sad, and that sadness is the wall between you and the next opportunity.  Follow the breadcrumbs back to the mindset of yesterday, take a deep breathe and live in that moment.

There's a reason we leave bread crumbs...to find our way back; back to some point in time when we felt the confidence to take another step.  In your time of failure, follow the bread crumbs.

Purpose and Re-Purpose

I had a specific life plan when I was preparing to graduate high school.  It did not include college.  It was down a specific path into the "real" world.  It took a couple years to reach that goal but I made it.  I realized my purpose.  Check that, I realized the purpose I envisioned in my early twenties.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to shed before the new one can come." ~ Joseph Campbell

The problem exists when the criteria used to craft our plan changes.  Life happens and things change, both from our choices and the world's choices.  What we believe to be our purpose or direction alters.  Some might call this growing.  It's here that we can either look back with a mournful eye and create fear for what comes next, or we can re-purpose our lives.

My girlfriend is the queen of recycling and reusing items.  She's known as the woman who prints on the back of anything before using a new piece of paper.  I love that mentality.  Very little is void of value.  While driving around one day she pointed out a building that was being remodeled; re-purposed, as she put it.  It seemed to make complete sense to me at that exact moment.

"Each day brings new circumstances that allow us to learn more about life and our own desires.  Our plan today may not suit who we are tomorrow.  The journey of a lifetime need not be mapped in the mind of life's novices." ~ Jason Huntsinger 

I reached that point in my life where, through my own past choices,  I needed to realize a new path. At times it's scared me.  At times it's liberated me.  I've felt like the last 20 years were all for naught simply because I failed to discover the value in failure, and so I viewed it all as failure.  But then I finished that book, wrote an epilogue to myself and closed it up.  What a read!  The most relevant learning in this lifetime comes dressed as failure, but we're too afraid to acknowledge its existence.

Volume 2 has begun...

I've come to understand more and more that we tend to look back with dissatisfaction when we create expectations for ourselves.  The days in our lives and the world around us are far too fluid to try to place it into a mold for what we believe to be perfection.  The life that I envisioned to be in balance when I was 20 is unrecognizable today.  Happiness is not found by constantly checking to make sure the plan is in balance.  It's found in the joy of creating balance.

The only shame in a life of re-purpose is failing to see it.  

What Do You See?

I just finished watching this video from a diversity coach named Jane Elliot.  Around ten minutes into the video she brought a tall black man, named Russell, to the front of the class and asked him whether his height, gender and skin color were important.  He replied yes to all three.  She then told the class, in summary, that in our attempt to not focus on any particular aspect of Russell we diminish what he finds important in identifying himself.

That got me thinking about the reality of what we see.  What characteristics of your true self do you display to the world?  Suffice it to say we advertise what we want the world to see and play down what we don't.  I previously posted a blog on expectations in which I ended with this quote:

"When you look at someone you see what you expect to see: good or bad.  Therefore, always look for the vein of goodness because it's there.  Expect it and it appears." ~ Jason Huntsinger

How many times do we pass someone on the street or in a store, or simply listen to what other's say and form a quick opinion?  I'm afraid we judge people by what we see or hear in that instant, rather than evaluate the content of their being.  I'm guilty of it.  I'm not saying we form a hatred or bias necessarily, but with the number of people we could interact with in a single day and obviously choose not to, it seems rather impossible not to make a quick judgment and ignore someone.

My point here is we should never forget that people are far more than just what we see...as are we.  We should focus on the differences between us because that is where the real beauty of life is.  We all have a journey to take and possess inherent value.  People's lives are stories being continually written.  You would never grab a book and discard it simply because of its cover or open to the middle, read a single paragraph and form an opinion of the entire book.  So why do we do that to people?

I am a work in progress.  I am one of life's great tragedies at the same time I am one of life's great accomplishments.

"I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see." ~ Douglas Pagels

Life is a painful and exhilarating odyssey that we may at times believe incapable to perfect and at others impossible to improve.  People fall.  Falling is the easy part.  But people also possess a natural motivation to get back to their feet and try again, see the sun rise and welcome a new day, feel or show true love and make someone smile.

If you see someone in his or her moment of personal hardship please don't write them off.  Rather, understand that the depth of a person is far beneath their clothes or skin, and expect to see something magical inside them.  Relish in the friendships of individuals on their own journeys rather than the homogeneous anonymity of masses.  Surround yourself with people who see you for all that you are, and celebrate your similarities and differences.  Simply be you while allowing others to be them, and together let's be us.

"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary." ~ Oscar Wilde

Go All In

When I co-owned a specialty retail store I learned very quickly there was a plethora of merchandise options we could carry in the store.  It was a tough decision to narrow down the possibilities because one category of merchandise segued into the next and so on.  At some point I had to draw the line.  That was when I began thinking about the concept of going all in.  I used to say "if we're going to carry something then we're going to do it all the way: All in."

Later it became clear to me that this mantra was actually a pretty good reminder of how to create the mindset necessary to succeed.  Recently I've struggled with the feeling of being pulled in too many directions.  It's all in my head...I know.  But the point is that I'm not taking my own advice: Go all in.  I can't make decisions in my life if I'm not willing to do it all the way.

"Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans." ~ Peter F. Drucker

Going all in is committing to your decision.  Following through.  Giving it all you got.  Having confidence in your decisions and, ultimately, yourself.  This is accomplished by a positive attitude.  An attitude of optimism which leads to decisiveness.  You can't take that leap of faith unless you believe.  Pessimism breeds doubt and you begin attacking your decision with what-ifs.

Life, love, business and happiness all require you to go all in.  Consider all of your options--of course--but when you make your decision give it your all.  Eight working hours per day become far less if your mind is playing games and considering your doubts.  Your productivity suffers and your creativity is diverted to finding an escape.  There are no doubts in success; there are only lessons learned.  But still again, to really learn the lesson you need to fully commit yourself to the decision.

"Without commitment, you cannot have depth in anything, whether it's a relationship, a business or a hobby." ~ Neil Strauss

Making the decision to draw the line in my store was good.  Rather than scratch the surface of too many possibilities I was able to create depth in a qualified few.  I had a reason for everything on the shelf.  Do you have a reason for everything in your life?  If so, don't sell yourself short and simply go all in!

Making Amends

"It's not a person's mistakes which define them - it's the way they make amends." ~ Freya North

Do you remember as a child throwing a ball indoors or hitting a rock with a bat and the moment it began its trajectory who just knew it was bad?  But you watched it travel directly into the vase on the mantel or through the neighbors window horrified at what you had just done.  There was no taking it back once it began its journey.

The same is true of our choices as adults.  We get angry at work and say something hurtful.  We feel the pressure of work and take it home to bark at our families or loved ones.  We succumb to the stress and angst from any given element in our lives.  Think about all of the pressures we face day-to-day, or all of the choices we meet through the day.

They are all either opportunities to take a step towards success, or in some cases, launch yourself in the wrong direction.  At some point you may cross the line and there is no going back.  Whether you say something terribly inappropriate or hurtful, or make a choice that will destroy what you've built, you've damaged a relationship or your reputation.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~ Maya Angelou

There is no doubt people will take offense to a misstep or mistake and there is just one thing to do to fix the situation: make amends.  This is much harder to do in some cases but necessary nonetheless.  Part of the resolution may simply be to slowly and consistently rebuild the connection and character you once had.  It will never be the same and that's just the way it goes.  But try anyway!

There are a few steps I've learned in order to make amends:

1. Acknowledge: The first is to acknowledge the incident.  Sweeping it under the rug and moving on is not a viable option.  Acknowledge your behavior with complete contrition and without excuse.  A powerful phrase, when heartfelt, is "I'm sorry."
2. Identify:  Whether your actions were directly or indirectly harmful to someone you need to identify your motivation behind the action.  Did you snap on a co-worker because you really harbor some ill feelings you've managed to keep jarred up for two years?  Do you struggle with some self-destructive habits that cloud your judgment and decision-making?  Whatever it is identify it and craft a process to fix it.
3. Be accountable:  This is different than acknowledging your action.  This is about letting someone know what you found in step 2.  Does your drinking cause this behavior?  Does your inability or unwillingness to communicate effectively at work create a festering of emotion?  Talk to a mentor or confidante and hold yourself accountable for fixing this.
4. Initiate:  This is the slowest part of the process and you simply must be patient.  Everything can be demolished in a fraction of the time it takes to build it.  In most cases this is a matter of trust and trust must always be earned with repetition and consistency.  Be true to your plan.

Here is a one more vital part of this process: you must identify who was actually harmed in this process and focus your attention on them.  Even if your mistake was self-destructive there is some collateral consequence.  Always.  Someone trusted you or counted on you and that relationship is now damaged.  You may also notice someone was offended or upset but not actually affected by your infelicity.  And in some cases this person may become your loudest critic.  Do not waste your time trying to please them.  It's just as important to make amends to the right person as it is to move on and free yourself from the critics.

"Living life in the straight and narrow is often easier said than done.  As such, making amends and rebuilding your character are necessary traits to master in this life.  Focus on the people who matter: the ones capable of seeing your entire journey rather than just how far off the line your foot slipped." ~ Jason Huntsinger

The List

I like to make lists.  Somewhat.  I don't enjoy actually writing the list out on a piece of paper or the nearest junk mail envelope.  Rather, I make mental lists of things I'd like to accomplish today, tomorrow, next week, next month, etc.  To me making a list is the manner in which I scroll through my thoughts to prioritize what really matters to me.  

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." ~ Soren Kierkeaard

Then I got to thinking.  I've made mistakes in my past (as we all have to some degree) and it can be easy in times of idleness or difficulty to think back and pine for the greatness I once had.  Make no mistake, I have a very carefully crafted list in my head at this exact moment and I know what I want for my future, but I just can't help to think I drifted off track.  My long term list includes activities that will allow me to continue to grow as a person, be happy and successful again.

But why do I need a list to get there?  Making a list requires, in part, a retrospective assessment and consideration of the options ahead.  It's a filtering mechanism derived from our experiences, hopes and desires.  Think about this for a moment: make a very short list of things you'd like to try or places you'd like to visit.  For example, when you created this list about places you'd like to visit you likely began thinking of places you've either previously visited or read/heard about.  Even if you sat in front of a globe, spun it on its axis and stopped it with your finger in a random spot, your mind immediately scrolled through memories to recall what you knew of Istanbul. 

"What's past is prologue." ~ William Shakespeare

No matter where you are in your journey through life create that list for yourself: the list of what you want or desire in the days ahead.  This has nothing to do with being unhappy or ungrateful with your current position; you can be completely happy and still want more for yourself.  It's about understanding that taking the time to create your list is essentially appreciating your past and realizing that every single moment has had a purpose.  Were it not for the past you would have no clue what you want.  Understand that every rise and fall, laugh and cry, moment of exhilaration and trepidation have become the recipe for you to create this list, and only then can you truly be grateful for the past and the present.

"There are two beautiful aspects of getting older: we have more days behind us to better understand what we truly want and a greater appreciation for the days ahead to make it happen." ~ Jason Huntsinger

 

Look Ahead: Glance Behind

"Study the past if you would define the future." ~ Confucious

I've endured much in the way of change these last several years.  The lion's share has come from my own choices, both good and bad...but not all of it.  My life has literally been upended and thrown in a new direction, a couple times actually.  I've survived.  

In my own experiences I've tended to welcome change, even precipitate it, but sometimes I find myself checking my current status by looking back and comparing to what I once was or once had.  I have less in the way of stuff than I did ten years ago but I'm in a better state of mind than ever before.  So, being an optimist at heart I try to refocus my thoughts towards the type of forward-moving enthusiasm that precedes change like a red carpet precedes the famous.

Why do I try to compare?  Now to then.  This to that.  Mostly because I am dissatisfied with some of my past choices.  Don't get me wrong, I'm also very happy with many choices and proud of my accomplishments, but it's those poor choices that sting.  I agree that there is little value in painting the past with regret.  That is such an invaluable emotion, really: regret.  Perhaps looking back is not so much regret as it is an analysis.  Maybe it's actually the manner in which I look back on the past that creates a reflective burden of regret and deprives me of making peace with it.  I cannot change the past, I get that, but in analyzing the past I have some say in preventing it from repeating itself.  

"There's a reason the car's windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror."

I've enjoyed this quote periodically but I have always read it with the focus on the windshield as a massive portal to view what's ahead.  I've ignored the rearview mirror reference altogether.  Consider this, there is in fact a rearview mirror.  There is in fact a need to check the past.  There is in fact a sense of reassurance in taking a periodic glance behind you.  In some cases, there is in fact true value in watching the past become the past.  We can never change our memories and may always use the past as a reference point.  That's perfectly acceptable.  What's important is where you go from here.

This driving analogy is useful.  We use our mirrors frequently to make sure changes in direction are safe.  We don't drive forward by fixing our gaze solely on the images we see leaving us in the rearview mirror.  Our primary focus is through the front windshield: even if it's cracked and pitted from miles of rough roads.  It's our portal to what's ahead.  Nonetheless, we glance back and assess, but then look forward again.  Key word here: assess.

"You don't know where you're going if you don't know where you've been."

We learn from our past by assessing our choices and results.  Hindsight is 20/20 because we have both the factors for the decision and the consequences of the choice.  In order to reach the opportunities ahead--the ones visible through that big beautiful windshield--we constantly assess and reassess the journey to where we want to be.  

So, what now?  My answer is unwritten.  But, I can say one thing with absolute certainty: I will continue to move forward, embrace change and check my rearview to ensure the change is positive.

"Because my life isn't going to wait around while I figure out how to make it work." ~ Susane Colasanti   

Fear is the first enemy...

"Fear is the first enemy of love."

I posted a blog in December 2012 that began just this way. I remember the first time I read a variation of this quote and kind of getting offended by it. For some reason I just couldn't wrap my mind around the concept. Here I am over a year later and that phrase popped back into my head. Fear really is the first enemy of love...as well as a plethora of life's other great experiences.

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." ~ George Bernard Shaw 

At some point in our lives--perhaps even several points--we find a need to stop and reassess. Are we just plugging through our days going with the flow of the masses? Worse yet, are we directionless trying to find the meaning of it all?  Or are we truly creating the live that we want. Because it's not just about creating the life we want, it's about creating the person we want to be. It's defining ME.

Our dreams, desires, designs and decisions work in concert to create who we are. At any step in the process it may just stop from fear. What is it that you dream about daily and desire with every breath? Name just one desire that you have not designed into your life and made decisions to achieve. Is fear the reason for a break in the process? Fear of taking a chance? Of failure? Of getting hurt? Of being told no?

When we begin to turn our desires into designs for creating ourselves often fear is the preeminent detracting element. It requires us to do something different and that's scary. It shakes up the status quo of our existence. It shakes up what we think we already know to be true. Fear is the first enemy. It's the enemy of love, adventure, success, triumph, goals and ultimately creating ourselves.

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" ~ Robert H. Schuller

Fear is our conscience trying to keep us in check. It helps to prevent pain, suffering and disappointment. It's much easier to maintain the status quo, right? Think back to the top of this blog and remember why we're even in this process. We are in the throws of creating ourselves. The canvas is blank and we're afraid of the color choice.

Fear is indeed the first enemy of any amazing emotion we can experience in this life. If it were easy it would not likely be worth the effort. But despite all the fear and doubt, I believe it is absolutely worth every moment of effort to create yourself. It's worth it to experience true love, outrageous adventure, remarkable success, personal triumph and the highest goals. If you don't do this for yourself then who will?

"One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time." ~ Andre Gide

Expectations

Many years ago when I began my first career, I was told by a senior co-worker one of the most important things I can do is become a "good hand."  He explained that to be the type of person others know they can count on without question and someone who contributes to the shared goal.  In other words, a reliable team player.  I worked hard to become just that, to contribute my share of the team's effort and in doing so I began to create expectations for myself and others.

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed." ~ Alexander Pope

First of all, I don't buy into the concept of this quote.  I think it is a wonderful reminder to check yourself and perhaps discover the root of some frustrations, but ultimately I don't think it's really practical to jettison all expectations.  An expectation is merely a belief that someone will do something or something will happen: good or bad.  The detriment of having expectations is the risk of disappointment, but the benefit is the mindset of belief.  Belief is the active ingredient in confidence (seriously, check the label).

I believe setting goals is really a series of well-planned expectations.  Take my passion for triathlon for example.  I have a dream (don't laugh) to become a professional triathlete.  A baseless and ill-planned expectation is that since I'm tall I will likely be a naturally fast swimmer, cyclist and runner.  However, if I begin to design a path to excellence setting attainable goals based on training expectations I could very well find myself on the podium one day which I expect would help me reach my pro status.

That seems pretty straightforward when dealing with ourselves.  We can all handle setting and maybe not reaching our own expectations.  But what about when we set expectations for others?  That, too, is a necessary element of any team or a partnership.  Each person has a role in the partnership and in the effort, and without it there would be no partnership.

So how do we join forces with the people who we expect to uphold their part of the effort?  You see, expectations are not a bad thing.  When you hire a manager you expect him or her to comply with the company's standards and work to meet the company's objectives.  Before you hire that manager you interview him or her.  Before that you screen the applicants.  Before that you define the expectations. The same is true in any partnership: work, sports or love.  In sports you expect the teammate to cover the responsibilities of the position.  The goalkeeper must keep the ball from entering the goal so the position is assigned based on the most capable team member.  In love it's the same thing.  You have a vision of what you'd like your life to be and as potential partners present themselves you assess his or her capabilities to fill the complementary role: that of partner.  But you must realize he or she is doing the exact same thing.

"There were two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations." ~ Jodi Picoult

That's an interesting quote above.  I've always subscribed to the idea that you shouldn't try to change someone to meet your expectations.  That route is wrought with an unnecessary weight.  Rather, you have a choice and you mustn't be afraid to make it.  You can change your partner or change your expectations.  One requires you to perhaps reassess and abandon or alter your vision or goals.  That's a tough call so don't take it lightly.

Two things come to mind when considering expectations: don't allow your optimism to die and always work on becoming a good hand.  What I mean here is don't ever allow your expectations to take on the tone of pessimism.  Don't allow your expectations for someone, or yourself, to become an expectation of failure.  Remember an expectation is the basis of belief you used to create a series of benchmarks you've planned to meet your goal.  Pessimistic expectations are the complete opposite and really just a permissive mindset to fail.  They lack the main ingredient: belief.  "I don't expect John to be able to complete this task to my standards."  Then why is John in that role?

Secondly, remember everyone on the team has his or her own set of expectations, too.  The beauty of a partnership or team is that it's comprised of the most capable members working in unison to meet their respective responsibilities.  Set the expectation by being the example you want to see.  Focus internally on whether you're being a good hand, rather than pointing out some one's error.  Your world is a mirror of your effort and interest: what you give you get back.

"When you look at someone you see what you expect to see: good or bad.  Therefore, always look for the vein of goodness because it's there.  Expect it and it appears." ~ Jason Huntsinger      

Sticks and Stones

It really seems like such a simple principle to live by, doesn't it?

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.  

We begin to learn this message as soon as we learn to speak. As we grow older the phrase becomes a little more complex, but the message is the same. It's a message of how to treat people.

Words are so inexplicably powerful...if we allow to them be. When you think about words--the formation of sounds and the arrangement of letters, and our understanding and agreement of the meanings--it is absurd that they can carry so much power. The simple combination of words in a deliberate order can either empower or destroy a person. No physical force necessary. No physical harm inflicted. But crippling emotional harm, nonetheless.


The intent behind our word choice is what precipitates the early-life training: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. It's one of the earliest lessons we learn but so many of us still have a hard time with it. Some of the other basic principles of living amongst people are easier: don't hit and don't take something that doesn't belong to you. But perhaps this one is more difficult because it can be somewhat cathartic to the orator. It is a surefire way to project negative emotions elsewhere, almost as if opening your mouth is an actual physical release of the negativity. In this case it comes from unhappiness and a desire to bring others down as well.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." ~ Plato

Verbal enmity is laden with spite and constructed in just such a way to cause the most damage. Opposite of a weapon of mass destruction, it is the most efficient weapon of focused destruction. You can sometimes witness a person physically deflate when another launches ill-intentioned words their way. Often the reception of the words is based on the relationship between the orator and the recipient. That relationship is what gives the words credibility and either encourages or discourages the recipient to agree. The closer the relationship the more powerful the propensity to agree.

"By hooking our attention, the word can enter our mind and change a whole belief for better or for worse." ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

What's the point of this observation? If you wouldn't stand nose-to-nose and fire hate in an attempt to ruin someone then why look in the mirror and do it to yourself? There is no one you have a closer relationship to than yourself, and as such, no one's words have more meaning than your own. You are better than you believe and every single moment--86,400 every single day--is your opportunity to make a change. It's that simple. If you are unhappy with your past decisions, which have guided you to this moment, then seize the opportunity to make a change. Choose words that lift rather than crush. Use those sticks and stones to build your future.