Losing Our First Hero

"Hero: a person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities."

I've been fortunate enough lately to have some wonderfully deep conversations about failure.  As I write that sentence it sounds paradoxical.  The concepts of wonderful and failure rarely wind up connected in thought, but it's true.  They've been wonderfully deep because they have provoked introspection and self-analysis.  Specifically, they've inspired me to investigate and validate the contrasting claim I make whenever I recollect my failures: But, that's not who I am.  

It can be difficult to recall our failures.  Sometimes it can be deeply painful, other times it can be brutally shameful.  In my life the pain I feel when recalling my failures feels as though I single-handedly destroyed the lens through which the world sees me.  It's rather inevitable to feel this way when our private story becomes our public image.

Now perhaps you subscribe to the thought that our public image is far less concerning than how we feel about ourselves.  I agree.  The way that we feel about ourselves is indeed the most important opinion of all but I argue it's largely affected by both our private story and our public image.  In many ways, as we grow up we begin to see our potential and we see ourselves as our own first emerging hero.  But the possibility exists that suffering failure in life can feel like losing our first hero.  It can feel like the mirror's reflection is now the contradiction of who we believe ourselves to be.  The self-reflective statement, "But, that's not who I am," either introduces our efforts at being vulnerable or becomes a post-oration renunciation.  It becomes an exception to who we are in their world.  

"Great heroes need great sorrows and burdens, or half their greatness goes unnoticed." ~ Peter S. Beagle

Our lives are journeys of building and growth which lead to achievement and success.  But does achievement alone really qualify someone to be a hero?  Doesn't the path upon which we travel matter? At some point the effort to grow must battle and triumph the obstacles of growth.  Life is, at times, a test of fortitude, whereby the path of least resistance is not the precursor to life's greatest achievements.  Heroes are made in the moments that require the greatest summons.

I get caught up in the notion that I am what I've done.  The flaw in that mentality is that since life is a changeable journey there is absolutely zero validity in benchmarking our worth from a single moment.  To be a hero, even our own hero, the totality of our efforts should be evaluated.  Moments become hours, which become days and then months and years.  Each one of those moments is an opportunity to make a different choice.  Whether our failures come from miscalculation or malfeasance, the very next moment is a call to change.  Heroism is not just some great and commendable action in the face of danger benefiting someone else; it can also be picking ourselves up by our own bootstraps in our greatest times of need.

My mind shift has come with dropping the idea that my failure was like losing my first hero, but rather gaining the perspective that this failure was the necessary opportunity to test the strength of my hero -- me.  I am my own hero in life.  The image I possess of myself in my mind is the figure to whom I strive to be more like.  He is the man, father and partner I strive to be.  He is the one I seek validation from and who I work to satisfy.

"If everybody was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes." ~ Mark Twain

   

This is Your Story to Write

I'm finally sitting down to write about some thoughts that have been swirling around my mind for the past few months.  I've whittled it down to a combination of thoughts surrounding the characters in our lives, how they attempt to influence our experiences and the ultimate belief that they're simply our stories to write.

"With every passing day, we add a page to our personal story, an illustrative script that casts our character shaped by an implacable external environment and fashioned by our supple state of inwardness." ~ Kilroy J. Oldster

This is an obvious topic, surely, and perhaps one that needn't even be written about.  Just more fodder to cultivate a positive mindset, maybe?  But what I've been working to wrap my mind around is the idea that we all have some central theme we're working towards, writing our stories, and we have both protagonists and antagonists at work throughout.  The key point to understand is that we can take something away from both of them.

You would think the presence of these characters in our stories would be easy to spot; diametrically opposed characters in a tug of war for our attention.  But sadly, they are sometimes not.  Perhaps the difficulty arises from an idea that our stories are works in progress, not yet set in ink on the pages we call our days.  And, so perhaps an irresistible companion to life's fluidity defense is the idea that our protagonists and antagonists work to lure us along in their developing stories also.  They, too, are on their own journeys writing their tales, but the moment their lives intersect ours it becomes an allegory to us.

"When you realize the influence in your life is the work of craftsmen, it becomes imperative to your existence to break free of their stories and write your own." ~ me

The protagonists and antagonists influence us by casting upon us some pretense, or ulterior objective, but I argue they might not be the ways we expect.  This isn't meant to sound skeptical of everything and everyone, but more just to cause awareness.  It's important to be aware that influence and the underlying pretense detract from our stories.  The stories we pen for ourselves flow from our own minds, befouled or purified by our experiences, into and through our hearts before finding their way down through our hands to the pens we hold.  These are our stories to write.  So I say, fear the protagonists but love the antagonists!

The protagonists, who we expect to be ourselves, are more often others who purport to help us along in the direction that we suggest we'd like to go.  Bear in mind this is a work in progress for us so the character development (i.e. us) is also a work in progress.  For this arrangement to work, we must always retain control of the pen.  It's far too easy to relinquish control of the very tool used to scribe this life to someone who seems to have a better idea of the path to take.  The day-to-day experiences coupled with the mindset and purpose we weave together can only come from us.  True, others have forged seemingly similar paths on their way to achievement but it's actually as close to impossible as it gets that these folks started at the exact same point and position in life, faced the same challenges and opportunities, made the same preceding choices and continued at the same pace.  We are all miracles that began before our parents even met, so the reality exists that every step in this process is as uniquely individualized as we are.  Never relinquish control of the pen and approach with caution the ones who want to show us an easier way!!!

"He that struggles with us strengthens our nerves, and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist is our helper." ~ Edmund Burke

The antagonists, on the other hand, are rather easy to identify but we sometimes fail to recognize the role they play.  By the very definition of an antagonist, we're prepared to meet hostility so the human reaction is likely fight or flight.  Fight or defend at all costs; flight or abandon the effort.  But, I say view the antagonists merely as analysts of our plans.  The fight or flight mentality suggests imagery of a confrontation whereby some thing is at risk of loss.  Yet, let's agree on the fluidity aspect of this work in progress.  Criticism from antagonists is an opportunity to test the validity and logic of our themes.  The protagonists won't offer this anti-advocate point of view.  While we might believe this fight or flight mentality would best prepare us for the critical inspections of the antagonists, it's actually a fallacious predisposition.  There is no thing to protect or flee.  There is nothing other than our next reaction to the world that matters when we pen our story.  Absorb the insight from the antagonists once you uncloak the seed of positivity.  It's always hidden in there!!!

The characters at play in our stories are as vital to the development as the environment itself.  But again, the stories we write are our own individual accounts of triumph and tragedy.  And at the end of the story, there is just one name attesting to the truth contained within...yours!  This is your story to write.

Looking Through the Miraculous Lens

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is." ~ Albert Einstein

I'm leading with a strong quote today from a wild-haired theoretical physicist.  From the moment I read this quote it became one of my favorites.  One mind and two eyes, but two views.  Two mindsets.  Two lenses through which to view life.  Two lenses to view absolutely everything.

There are so many analogies and parallels to draw on at this point, but let's talk about kites.

It's a topic that has surfaced in my life recently for a special reason.  It's something so seemingly mundane to discuss but that's the exact point of this.  One man's mundaneness is another man's opportunity to look through the miraculous lens.

As a kid I viewed a kite as a toy, purchased at the toy or corner drug store.  It was a simple configuration rolled into a clear plastic bag.  Upon further inspection I always found it contained usually hollow plastic rods, a diamond-shaped plastic skin to be stretched and the tethering string.  Simple.  Seemed to be void of much thought.  All the makings of a mundane experience.

Flying a kite as a kid is more often a test in patience and persistence, than an exhilarating experience. We hold the string tightly to control the kite's flight, raise our arms minimally to instigate lift and hope for the best.  More often than not our control forces it to nosedive into the ground.  Do you see the view through the lens that nothing is a miracle?

Switch to the Miraculous Lens

Kites have had a bum rap.  They've been characterized as directionless, controllable and uncomplicated.  What if that was entirely wrong?  What if the beauty and miracle of a kite is that it rises against the forces of nature?  What if the complexity of the engineering is meant to appear simple in design?

In contrast to my childhood thoughts on kites, I see them differently now.  I see the the wonder of flight.  I see effort and strength.  I see the beauty of accomplishment in rising.

Looking through the lens that everything is a miracle I see that kites are truly a work of art, more than 2000 years old, complex in concept and simple in design.  The materials or characteristics of design, while seemingly weightless and fragile in their own right, combine to form the proper structure to endure the winds of the earth.  Their skin fills with just enough air to rise, relying on the internal frame for just enough support, to create a harmonious existence amongst the stars.  And the string we believe tethers this kite does no such thing.  The kite seeks not to be tethered and that's why, as children, we force it to nosedive.  The kite is pulling us, not fighting us.  The kite, in true optimistic form, wants nothing more than to fly and bring us along, too.

"Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it." ~ Winston Churchill

I realize this is perhaps a bit obscure.  But, how does it translate to life and the people in our lives?  How can we see this as an example that limiting our mindset and viewing life as though nothing is a miracle affects our ability to appreciate the people in our lives?

Let's just take it one person at a time.  When you meet that one person in your life who displays characteristics similar to a kite appreciate them.  They are a miracle.  See their desire to rise and grow; recognize the complexity of their soul and the simplicity of their spirit; understand the vulnerability and strength necessary to set themselves against the backdrop of the open sky and take flight; grasp the concept that should you recognize and support their journey they want to bring you to them, not resist your tether.

Yes, kites have had a bum rap, but I sure do love them ;)

"Kites seek not to be tethered, flowers seek not to be picked, and birds seek not to be caged.  When you harness the beautiful things in life you remove their ability to be beautiful." ~ Jason Huntsinger

Choose Your Brush Wisely

While driving home from St. George, Utah, last May, I caught my reflection in the rear view mirror, and for just a split second I didn't recognize the eyes looking back.  Through all my years I've always recognized the eyes of the man looking back at me in the mirror, even when the face changed a bit, but this time he looked different.  He was older.  He was weathered.  He was disappointed.  His eyes didn't shine like they usually do.  His eyes used to squint in laughter but that day they leaked in pain.  I'm 46 now, perhaps half way through life, so maybe it's a good time to figure out: What does happiness look like?  

"Happiness is an allegory, unhappiness a story." ~ Leo Tolstoy

We convincingly tell ourselves stories about why we're unhappy or why we can't be happy in this circumstance or that, yet how often do we convince ourselves that it's all perfectly fine?  It's perfectly acceptable, and I'll argue it's even healthy, to be in an undesirable situation and find moments of happiness.  I'm not suggesting hysterically laughing during a divorce proceeding but certainly there is some seed of happiness in another part of that same day.  And that is the point here...we characterize entire sections of our lives with pain but mere moments with happiness.  Countless times I've convinced myself that my unhappiness is deserved.  I've allowed this mindset to dilute my appreciation of everything around me.  Beauty washed out by my own thoughts.

"We have a tendency to paint unhappiness in our lives with a broad brush overextending the relevancy of the circumstance; yet we paint happiness with a fine tip brush carefully staying with the constraints of the moment.  Wouldn't you agree it's time to switch brushes?" ~ me 

We are all on a journey to find ourselves, better ourselves, make peace or be happy.  Literally, if we're not working towards some personal development goal then we are working to overcome some failure.    We're either content or discontented.  Over the last several years I've experienced both feelings and characterized my life as a work in progress.  Characterized an entire segment of my life with this broad brush!  I've searched outside myself for happiness and convinced myself I'm struggling to get some traction.  I've used that phrase quite a bit...trying to get some traction.  I've said I'm waiting for these ideas and plans ruminating inside my head to finally take shape.  Trying to get some traction is the phrase I've used as an excuse to explain where I am at this point in life and why I'm there.  I'm trying to get some traction on finding happy.

What does happiness look like?

We attempt to pinpoint, using the fine tip brush, happiness to a specific moment, yet we fail to understand the appreciation of that moment is only possible if we are happy.  Happiness is not the moment but rather the state surrounding this moment.  We needed a broad fanning brush of happiness swept across the entire situation--leading into, during and transitioning out of--to recognize this moment.  In this respect, happiness is difficult to quantify but it's easy to feel.  Happiness is the perfect harmony between mindset and moment.  It's an allowance to appreciate and partake in pleasures that encourage you to smile, laugh, feel and dream.  But here is the absolute kicker...you will never know happiness without also knowing discontent.  It's the same concept that recognizing the true beauty of the stars is only possible in darkness.

"Happiness is the perfect harmony of mindset and moment." ~ me

In reality, you cannot insulate yourself solely from either aspect of your journey.  You cannot guard against sorrow while being open to joy.  Opening your mind, body and soul to the prospect of true happiness also opens the door to the possibility of pain.  Experience them both and don't try to control that.  What you can control is which brush you choose to swipe across the canvas of life.  Choose the broad brush generously to paint happiness across your life; use the fine tip brush carefully, staying completely with the lines, to recognize the delineation of this moment in contrast to what your life truly is...HAPPY.

Thoughts on Being All In

I attended my son's high school basketball game yesterday.  Sitting behind his team's bench I was privy to the bench conversations, huddle strategics and court side direction.  It was all so very supportive and intentional...a positive experience for the boys and as a spectator.  And then, while watching the team finish a :30 second huddle and head back onto the floor, I overheard their exclamatory mantra: ALL IN!!!

"You can't do passion halfway. Living your passion means you're all in. You trust your heart and trust your gut wherever that takes you." ~ Joe Plumeri

I expected them to chant DEFENSE or SPARTANS or some other generic rah, rah go team phrase.  But ALL IN is a phrase that's been on my mind a lot lately.  It's also been on my fingertips and the tip of my tongue as I write and talk about my life.  So, being exactly who I am, I started thinking about what that means to me.  The first place I went was to my son.  I asked him why they chant ALL IN and he replied, "I don't know. They just told us to at the beginning so we do."  Ok, that was no help!

ALL IN: They're two very short words and, seemingly, quite generic.  But the first impression is that this signifies a commitment.  Bear in mind that I'm speaking from the point of view of how I use that phrase in life rather than how a basketball spectator uses it to watch the game.

Following the game I drove two hours back home and that phrase just kept popping into my head.  ALL IN is more than just an utterance of commitment.  It's not a generic chant, but rather a bold exclamation.  The ALL of this phrase states every ounce of your being--including your body, mind, spirit, heart and soul--is involved in this.

As the quote above suggests, it's a passion, an impetus towards something great.  That distinction separates this experience from a commitment.  With a commitment you have made a choice.  You've deliberated the pros and cons, and found greater value in the benefits than the impact of the detriments, and that is the point.  With a commitment some part of you retains hesitation and caution is born.  I believe to proclaim the word ALL, with absolute sincerity, is to describe yourself wholly.

The IN of this phrase suggests inclusion; an offering to participate.  Seeking inclusion to participate in an activity or event is preceded by an agreement.  "I understand the situation and I'd like to participate."

"There's no where you can be that isn't where you're meant to be..." ~ John Lennon

So what, exactly, makes ALL IN different?  Why am I writing about this?  It's because being ALL IN is not a choice.  There is no deliberation or qualification to join.  There is no asking for guidance prior.  It's literally surrendering to the magnetic impulses of your soul, not by succumbing to force or coercion, but by creating intentions for your journey and letting go.  It's simply an understanding that every part of you is every part of this, without question and without reservation.  It's ALL IN.

Thoughts on Walking Home

I'm in Florida and wrapping up a two-week training program for work.  It's January, the weather is amazing, I'm running every day and I'm inspired.  My inspiration lied dormant for a bit and, sadly, so did my appreciation for some of the little things in life...until today.  While on my run I witnessed something so simple but so beautiful.  It made me slow to a walk and smile.  It affected me so instantly that my first reaction was an impulse to approach these two people and express my veneration.  What, you might now wonder, could make me react this way and sit down to write about it?  I witnessed a father greet his middle-school-aged son getting off the school bus.

"We are all just walking each other home." ~ Ram Dass

I've known of this quote for a while and it resonated with me the first time I read it.  There was something about the imagery it conjured up for me.  And, truthfully, today when I witnessed the father and son greeting my recollection of this quote is what stopped me.

The son disembarked the school bus and walked directly towards his father, who was also walking to anticipate the meeting.  When they reached each other the father wrapped his arms around his son and the two shared a gentle laugh.  Then they exchanged a few words, the father wrapped one arm around his son's shoulder and they walked back towards their home.

All I did was witness a simple, likely daily, interaction between a father and his son, and now I just walked along smiling like an idiot!!  So your next question is probably, "What is wrong with this guy?" The answer to that question is either everything or nothing...check back later.  But to remain on point, the impactful moment for me was the greeting and walk home, and that got me thinking.

"No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another." ~ Charles Dickens

Looking back at the quote above, the obvious point when I first read this was that we are all just walking.  Doesn't that summon imagery of a quasi-pilgrimage?  Depending where you and your mindset are in life it may paint a picture of a head-down shuffle almost as if drawn to a destination.  But, somehow this show of father and son affection painted a completely different picture for me.  The walk is actually a journey and the point of this is not that we are walking, but that we are walking each other.

This life is far less about making the journey than it is about making it with someone, adding value to their journey, sometimes only sharing the sounds of your breath and other times a laugh.  Taking this journey together is giving yourself to someone.  It shifts your focus away from egocentrism and more toward creating an altruistic purpose in the world.  The ending remains the same, in that we all reach home, but the journey becomes built with intention.  This was simply a father and son meeting after school and walking home.  In some households this task my be referred to as, "I have to go get the kids," but in other households this is seen as an opportunity to walk each other home.

"The only thing we truly have in this world to give away is our love." ~ me