What Do You See?

I just finished watching this video from a diversity coach named Jane Elliot.  Around ten minutes into the video she brought a tall black man, named Russell, to the front of the class and asked him whether his height, gender and skin color were important.  He replied yes to all three.  She then told the class, in summary, that in our attempt to not focus on any particular aspect of Russell we diminish what he finds important in identifying himself.

That got me thinking about the reality of what we see.  What characteristics of your true self do you display to the world?  Suffice it to say we advertise what we want the world to see and play down what we don't.  I previously posted a blog on expectations in which I ended with this quote:

"When you look at someone you see what you expect to see: good or bad.  Therefore, always look for the vein of goodness because it's there.  Expect it and it appears." ~ Jason Huntsinger

How many times do we pass someone on the street or in a store, or simply listen to what other's say and form a quick opinion?  I'm afraid we judge people by what we see or hear in that instant, rather than evaluate the content of their being.  I'm guilty of it.  I'm not saying we form a hatred or bias necessarily, but with the number of people we could interact with in a single day and obviously choose not to, it seems rather impossible not to make a quick judgment and ignore someone.

My point here is we should never forget that people are far more than just what we see...as are we.  We should focus on the differences between us because that is where the real beauty of life is.  We all have a journey to take and possess inherent value.  People's lives are stories being continually written.  You would never grab a book and discard it simply because of its cover or open to the middle, read a single paragraph and form an opinion of the entire book.  So why do we do that to people?

I am a work in progress.  I am one of life's great tragedies at the same time I am one of life's great accomplishments.

"I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see." ~ Douglas Pagels

Life is a painful and exhilarating odyssey that we may at times believe incapable to perfect and at others impossible to improve.  People fall.  Falling is the easy part.  But people also possess a natural motivation to get back to their feet and try again, see the sun rise and welcome a new day, feel or show true love and make someone smile.

If you see someone in his or her moment of personal hardship please don't write them off.  Rather, understand that the depth of a person is far beneath their clothes or skin, and expect to see something magical inside them.  Relish in the friendships of individuals on their own journeys rather than the homogeneous anonymity of masses.  Surround yourself with people who see you for all that you are, and celebrate your similarities and differences.  Simply be you while allowing others to be them, and together let's be us.

"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary." ~ Oscar Wilde

Go All In

When I co-owned a specialty retail store I learned very quickly there was a plethora of merchandise options we could carry in the store.  It was a tough decision to narrow down the possibilities because one category of merchandise segued into the next and so on.  At some point I had to draw the line.  That was when I began thinking about the concept of going all in.  I used to say "if we're going to carry something then we're going to do it all the way: All in."

Later it became clear to me that this mantra was actually a pretty good reminder of how to create the mindset necessary to succeed.  Recently I've struggled with the feeling of being pulled in too many directions.  It's all in my head...I know.  But the point is that I'm not taking my own advice: Go all in.  I can't make decisions in my life if I'm not willing to do it all the way.

"Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans." ~ Peter F. Drucker

Going all in is committing to your decision.  Following through.  Giving it all you got.  Having confidence in your decisions and, ultimately, yourself.  This is accomplished by a positive attitude.  An attitude of optimism which leads to decisiveness.  You can't take that leap of faith unless you believe.  Pessimism breeds doubt and you begin attacking your decision with what-ifs.

Life, love, business and happiness all require you to go all in.  Consider all of your options--of course--but when you make your decision give it your all.  Eight working hours per day become far less if your mind is playing games and considering your doubts.  Your productivity suffers and your creativity is diverted to finding an escape.  There are no doubts in success; there are only lessons learned.  But still again, to really learn the lesson you need to fully commit yourself to the decision.

"Without commitment, you cannot have depth in anything, whether it's a relationship, a business or a hobby." ~ Neil Strauss

Making the decision to draw the line in my store was good.  Rather than scratch the surface of too many possibilities I was able to create depth in a qualified few.  I had a reason for everything on the shelf.  Do you have a reason for everything in your life?  If so, don't sell yourself short and simply go all in!

Making Amends

"It's not a person's mistakes which define them - it's the way they make amends." ~ Freya North

Do you remember as a child throwing a ball indoors or hitting a rock with a bat and the moment it began its trajectory who just knew it was bad?  But you watched it travel directly into the vase on the mantel or through the neighbors window horrified at what you had just done.  There was no taking it back once it began its journey.

The same is true of our choices as adults.  We get angry at work and say something hurtful.  We feel the pressure of work and take it home to bark at our families or loved ones.  We succumb to the stress and angst from any given element in our lives.  Think about all of the pressures we face day-to-day, or all of the choices we meet through the day.

They are all either opportunities to take a step towards success, or in some cases, launch yourself in the wrong direction.  At some point you may cross the line and there is no going back.  Whether you say something terribly inappropriate or hurtful, or make a choice that will destroy what you've built, you've damaged a relationship or your reputation.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~ Maya Angelou

There is no doubt people will take offense to a misstep or mistake and there is just one thing to do to fix the situation: make amends.  This is much harder to do in some cases but necessary nonetheless.  Part of the resolution may simply be to slowly and consistently rebuild the connection and character you once had.  It will never be the same and that's just the way it goes.  But try anyway!

There are a few steps I've learned in order to make amends:

1. Acknowledge: The first is to acknowledge the incident.  Sweeping it under the rug and moving on is not a viable option.  Acknowledge your behavior with complete contrition and without excuse.  A powerful phrase, when heartfelt, is "I'm sorry."
2. Identify:  Whether your actions were directly or indirectly harmful to someone you need to identify your motivation behind the action.  Did you snap on a co-worker because you really harbor some ill feelings you've managed to keep jarred up for two years?  Do you struggle with some self-destructive habits that cloud your judgment and decision-making?  Whatever it is identify it and craft a process to fix it.
3. Be accountable:  This is different than acknowledging your action.  This is about letting someone know what you found in step 2.  Does your drinking cause this behavior?  Does your inability or unwillingness to communicate effectively at work create a festering of emotion?  Talk to a mentor or confidante and hold yourself accountable for fixing this.
4. Initiate:  This is the slowest part of the process and you simply must be patient.  Everything can be demolished in a fraction of the time it takes to build it.  In most cases this is a matter of trust and trust must always be earned with repetition and consistency.  Be true to your plan.

Here is a one more vital part of this process: you must identify who was actually harmed in this process and focus your attention on them.  Even if your mistake was self-destructive there is some collateral consequence.  Always.  Someone trusted you or counted on you and that relationship is now damaged.  You may also notice someone was offended or upset but not actually affected by your infelicity.  And in some cases this person may become your loudest critic.  Do not waste your time trying to please them.  It's just as important to make amends to the right person as it is to move on and free yourself from the critics.

"Living life in the straight and narrow is often easier said than done.  As such, making amends and rebuilding your character are necessary traits to master in this life.  Focus on the people who matter: the ones capable of seeing your entire journey rather than just how far off the line your foot slipped." ~ Jason Huntsinger

The List

I like to make lists.  Somewhat.  I don't enjoy actually writing the list out on a piece of paper or the nearest junk mail envelope.  Rather, I make mental lists of things I'd like to accomplish today, tomorrow, next week, next month, etc.  To me making a list is the manner in which I scroll through my thoughts to prioritize what really matters to me.  

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." ~ Soren Kierkeaard

Then I got to thinking.  I've made mistakes in my past (as we all have to some degree) and it can be easy in times of idleness or difficulty to think back and pine for the greatness I once had.  Make no mistake, I have a very carefully crafted list in my head at this exact moment and I know what I want for my future, but I just can't help to think I drifted off track.  My long term list includes activities that will allow me to continue to grow as a person, be happy and successful again.

But why do I need a list to get there?  Making a list requires, in part, a retrospective assessment and consideration of the options ahead.  It's a filtering mechanism derived from our experiences, hopes and desires.  Think about this for a moment: make a very short list of things you'd like to try or places you'd like to visit.  For example, when you created this list about places you'd like to visit you likely began thinking of places you've either previously visited or read/heard about.  Even if you sat in front of a globe, spun it on its axis and stopped it with your finger in a random spot, your mind immediately scrolled through memories to recall what you knew of Istanbul. 

"What's past is prologue." ~ William Shakespeare

No matter where you are in your journey through life create that list for yourself: the list of what you want or desire in the days ahead.  This has nothing to do with being unhappy or ungrateful with your current position; you can be completely happy and still want more for yourself.  It's about understanding that taking the time to create your list is essentially appreciating your past and realizing that every single moment has had a purpose.  Were it not for the past you would have no clue what you want.  Understand that every rise and fall, laugh and cry, moment of exhilaration and trepidation have become the recipe for you to create this list, and only then can you truly be grateful for the past and the present.

"There are two beautiful aspects of getting older: we have more days behind us to better understand what we truly want and a greater appreciation for the days ahead to make it happen." ~ Jason Huntsinger