"Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been." ~ Kurt VonnegutThis is an interesting quote considering a 2014 study that reportedly shows mice exhibit regret as humans do. Regret is a strong word to use and perhaps it's best to begin by defining my use of it here. It is an emotion of sadness about a choice that has already been made. It is different than mere disappointment; regret is repentance about a past decision.
Although the quote above suggests a missed opportunity, what I really want to discuss is how regret can become a paralyzing mindset. Yes, paralyzing. The recollection of a regretted decision can become the catalyst for self-doubt on a massive scale. It's like finding a crack in the foundation of your life. Even thought you've known it was there and you've built a magnificent life over it, the occasional observation of its presence casts a pall of gloom over everything. This mindset is not necessarily a continual thought but when it arrives it is numbing.
The issue here--besides the obviousness of emotional paralysis--is that our lives are a journey of stepping stones we place. When thoughts become a defeatist mindset of regret the path of the stones we lay goes askew. If we fail to be cognizant of this effect then our mindset of regret becomes a limit we place upon ourselves, no matter how well we recover or build over it. One single choice can have seemingly continuing collateral consequences both for you and those whose lives intersect with yours. But, that is somewhat true and false of every decision whether regrettable or agreeable. Our lives are fluid, rapidly evolving, and cannot follow a set path, nor can those lives around us. So, the issue really becomes finding a way to avoid lamenting in our choices of the past and, ultimately, overcome this mindset.
"We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future." ~ Steve MaraboliI recently had a conversation with my future father-in-law about the work/family balance. This is a man who has remained married to his high school sweetheart, raised two wonderful and successful children, provided well for his family and is now reaching retirement. Yet, even in all his professional and familial success he finds moments of regret. My point is that no one is immune to their mind creeping in.
I've come to understand there are two methods to prevent the mindset of regret. First, is to understand the choice, once made, is immediately in the past. As time continues to pass the collateral consequences become less and less linked to our choice because every element that we believe to be a collateral effect has the ability to remain fluid and correct itself. No element is entirely parasitic and life is not completely linear thus an unanticipated trajectory needn't remain out of control. The first method is to focus on the here-and-now, and what choices you can make now.
The second method is to consider the totality of it all. All too often we take a single moment from life and try to define ourselves by it. We tend to generalize our lives into one lifetime but the reality is we experience 10.5 million minutes in just the first twenty years of life and each is an opportunity to make a new choice. Considering the totality of it all is finding a way to be kinder to ourselves and take pride in this life we live. Every decision brought us to this moment and we can all find something special about it.
"Good or bad, right or wrong, the choices I make in my life are the brush strokes on the canvas of my lifetime. I assure you--both critics and admirers--that the finished product of my life will be a work of art and will not disappoint." ~ Jason Huntsinger
