Making Amends

"It's not a person's mistakes which define them - it's the way they make amends." ~ Freya North

Do you remember as a child throwing a ball indoors or hitting a rock with a bat and the moment it began its trajectory who just knew it was bad?  But you watched it travel directly into the vase on the mantel or through the neighbors window horrified at what you had just done.  There was no taking it back once it began its journey.

The same is true of our choices as adults.  We get angry at work and say something hurtful.  We feel the pressure of work and take it home to bark at our families or loved ones.  We succumb to the stress and angst from any given element in our lives.  Think about all of the pressures we face day-to-day, or all of the choices we meet through the day.

They are all either opportunities to take a step towards success, or in some cases, launch yourself in the wrong direction.  At some point you may cross the line and there is no going back.  Whether you say something terribly inappropriate or hurtful, or make a choice that will destroy what you've built, you've damaged a relationship or your reputation.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~ Maya Angelou

There is no doubt people will take offense to a misstep or mistake and there is just one thing to do to fix the situation: make amends.  This is much harder to do in some cases but necessary nonetheless.  Part of the resolution may simply be to slowly and consistently rebuild the connection and character you once had.  It will never be the same and that's just the way it goes.  But try anyway!

There are a few steps I've learned in order to make amends:

1. Acknowledge: The first is to acknowledge the incident.  Sweeping it under the rug and moving on is not a viable option.  Acknowledge your behavior with complete contrition and without excuse.  A powerful phrase, when heartfelt, is "I'm sorry."
2. Identify:  Whether your actions were directly or indirectly harmful to someone you need to identify your motivation behind the action.  Did you snap on a co-worker because you really harbor some ill feelings you've managed to keep jarred up for two years?  Do you struggle with some self-destructive habits that cloud your judgment and decision-making?  Whatever it is identify it and craft a process to fix it.
3. Be accountable:  This is different than acknowledging your action.  This is about letting someone know what you found in step 2.  Does your drinking cause this behavior?  Does your inability or unwillingness to communicate effectively at work create a festering of emotion?  Talk to a mentor or confidante and hold yourself accountable for fixing this.
4. Initiate:  This is the slowest part of the process and you simply must be patient.  Everything can be demolished in a fraction of the time it takes to build it.  In most cases this is a matter of trust and trust must always be earned with repetition and consistency.  Be true to your plan.

Here is a one more vital part of this process: you must identify who was actually harmed in this process and focus your attention on them.  Even if your mistake was self-destructive there is some collateral consequence.  Always.  Someone trusted you or counted on you and that relationship is now damaged.  You may also notice someone was offended or upset but not actually affected by your infelicity.  And in some cases this person may become your loudest critic.  Do not waste your time trying to please them.  It's just as important to make amends to the right person as it is to move on and free yourself from the critics.

"Living life in the straight and narrow is often easier said than done.  As such, making amends and rebuilding your character are necessary traits to master in this life.  Focus on the people who matter: the ones capable of seeing your entire journey rather than just how far off the line your foot slipped." ~ Jason Huntsinger